How do you ask your sister for information about what’s going in and out of our mom’s bank account for the past year and financial stocks?

Elder Law Attorney - Seek professional advice.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elder_law_(United_States)

If you are co-poa, you don't ask her, you go directly to the financial institutions and get statements.

If your sister is stealing mom's money via POA authority, she is breaking the law and can be prosecuted and jailed. Many states have strict, strong elder abuse laws and they are vigorously enforced.

You need to do something now, lest you be held accountable for not doing your POA duties.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about the future relationship with sister. Who wants a relationship with someone that would steal from an elderly parent? And put you at risk by doing so.

Does the credit card have both your mother and your sisters name on it? How is that paid each time a statement is due? This is how I have a card with my mother. Before she became more seriously ill she used it but we discussed what to use it for as her LTC policy had been used up and there is a finite amount left for her to private pay in a facility.

Your mother might hopefully be able to call the issuer of the card with you in the room and ask pertinent questions. They would discuss that with her but not with you unless you have POA and have filed that with them. They might be able to ask your mother if she gives permission to discuss charges with you. That would be the simplest way unless you are concerned your mother might get upset finding out about charges she is not comfortable with. We have done this with my husband about our shared card as he pays my mother's bill.

You don't indicate your mother's state of mind unless I missed that. Obviously the more cognitive she is the better. If you succeed with this then I guess you both have to decide how to proceed if there are questionable charges. Stock issues would be dealt with a financial planner and again you might run into the same problem or not. If you can make these calls with both of you together that would be best. Your post just leaves me wondering why your sister has been put in charge of this rather than yourself.

What does your mom think? I took over finances for MIL, she never let her daughter know what and how much she had. MIL made it absolutely clear that she did not want the daughter to know what she had or even allow her to go through bills, etc. I took over and am now in charge of her finances. SIL did suggest that all siblings know exactly what mom has, I felt for years I was told not to tell her. So I didn’t and wouldn’t. I felt at the time it was important to honor request of MIL.
i will add that MIL has dementia but we have had this conversation prior to the dementia. MIL was adamant about not allowing daughter any information. Once dementia set in I felt I still didn’t feel right in betraying MIL request so I didn’t. SIL stated she doesn’t know what she is thinking and that dementia is keeping her from making rational decisions….funny how SIL used MIL dementia when she wanted information and other times state she is fine and knows what she is talking about. Crazy! Anyway….ask your mom her thoughts. In the end Once MIL was moved to be closer to us(states away) I did give a vague glimps of what MIL has by saying she has X amount of years to cover MC with the use of cash on hand, sale of her home.

How about the two of you sit down and discuss whether it would be a good idea to get POA for your mother. Joint and Several would enable sister to use mum's card as needed (or you to do so) but you could ask financial institutions to supply you both with copies of statements. It would be wise to get POA sorted out whilst mother can do so mentally both for finances and health, it lets you all be on the same page as she gets older.

Sunshinestate13: Who is the OP? Sunshinestate13 or SavingMom2014? The later has responded throughout this thread.

Sunshinestate13: Imho, I would have to know who the "they" is who purchased the boat. If possible, you could ask to be a 'looker' on your mother's financial institution accounts. I did this with my late mother and uncovered some questionable activity by my brother, who had taken over her accounts and then got it remedied.

I would ask directly without accusation or innuendo. If she says she she can’t or won’t give you any information let it go. If you discover some proof of wrongdoing contact APS and have them do a fiscal investigation. She does not have to give any information and those may be your mother’s instructions.

As the sister who was the primary caregiver for a financially independent mother, who was also listed as the POA, DPOA, etc. I can tell you, unequivocally, I would have been *LIVID* if one of my sisters asked me for an accounting on how mom's money was being spent while she was alive.

I would have told them if they were that interested in it, they were welcome to take on the responsibility for her care themselves.

As far as "if you're not guilty of anything, then you shouldn't get upset" - bugger that. It's an accusation of theft, pure and simple, and it reeks more of a child's sibling rivalry - or worse, concern over inheritance - than any concern over a parent's care.

I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your sister, and what sort of relationship you want to have in the future. But if one of my sisters hit me with this, once my mom had passed, so would that relationship. You trust me with the life of our mom, but not with her money? It would take a lot for me to cut my either of my sisters off completely - even the one with whom I have a less cordial relationship - but by golly, accusation of stealing mom's money would do it.

Think long and hard before you ask for an accounting is the only advice I'm going to give.

To me it's a red flag sis bought a big ticket item; to lay your concerns to rest try to consult with an elder specialty attorney. On the surface, since you've just restored a more positive relationship with your sister, emphasize to her how grateful you are for a good relationship now, including your Trust she will include you in tracking your mom's finances for mom's sake and the harmony of the whole family.

Without a little more background if mom is competent and in charge of her own finances maybe you should ask her or better yet have a conversation with her about finances (not directing specifically at sister) rather than approach your sister about this. If mom doesn’t have POA/DPOA and MPOA set up have a conversation about that and her wishes rather than what is specifically happening now. Maybe suggest things be set up on line and she allow either you or your sister to help with managing the bills.

If you are already her POA or one of them all the better because this discussion should be easier. If mom is no longer able to handle her own finances and your sister is POA, well not sure there is a way to handle this that won’t be confrontational.

It seems to me that questioning your sisters families ability to afford a board without using your mothers money is the epitome of confrontational and I wouldn’t blame her for being less than accepting of the question. Just because mom gave her the OK to use her credit card for various things doesn’t mean she asked or even needs it. When I went to help care for my dad and his wife they insisted on buying things for me, things I would have picked up for myself but because I was away from home caring for them it made them feel good to do for me. Maybe that’s all that’s going on. I don’t think I would question your sister if I were you unless you are in charge of moms finances and can see that your sister is taking advantage. Guessing is just that, guessing and can only get you in trouble, trouble that’s apt to negatively affect mom too.

Who has the POA for mom's finances? If you, then you can ask for copies of the accounts so you can better manage her finances. If she has POA, then this may be a case for the authorities. Fraud of a susceptible elder is against the law almost everywhere. You can always call Adult Protective Services for their help. Realize that if your sister suspects you are the one making the call, it can damage your relationship permanently. However, your suspicions seem to indicate this relationship is already fraught with problems.

Since you were the one who took care of your father, make sure that you don't land in the position of becoming your mother's caregiver if the money is all gone.

You are not really close if you can not explore your mother’s finances together.

you do not say who, if anyone, has POA.

SunshineState, one of the challenges of providing helpful information on this site is responding to inquiries with inadequate information.

Your response re the source of the money is helpful, but many of the other necessary questions haven't been answered.   E.g., we can't asses the situation w/o knowing more about whether or not anyone is named proxy pursuant to POA or DPOA, an important issue.  

Or, what's the basis for your statement that you don't have a problem:  what role do you play and how is it a judgmental capacity?   And "who" just bought a $100K boat?   What standing do you have to explore your mother's credit card purchases?  

Do you see what I mean?  We have no idea what your role is, and what roles you and your sister are playing in your mother's care.

You can pull credit reports and see what the balances on accounts are.

You don't tell us anything we need here to advise you.
Firstly, is your Mother suffering from dementia or loss of mental capacity and is this diagnosed? As what?
Is your Sister your Mother's POA, acting for her in a fiduciary capacity (which has very hard and fast legal responsibilities? Or is she simply a preferred sibling who a mentally capable Mom with a lot of money chooses to spoil.
If there is no chance that Mom will "run through " her money and need the assistance of medicaid in her future, that is to say she is self-insured for life, then there won't be any repercussions to her gifting. So the person or persons she showers money upon is her business, and none of your own. No matter WHO that person is.
You have no rights to know what your Mother does with her money, and if your sister is the Mother's POA she not only has no obligation to report to you how Mom spends her money, but has an obligation NOT to report Mom's private financial transactions.
However, if your Mom is incapacitated, and your sister is her conservator, guardian or POA and is enriching herself with your Mom's money, this is illegal and should be reported to authorities with what suspicions you have. If you have proof of nefarious activity go to both the police and APS. If you have only your own suspicion, and have discussed all this with your Sister (if you are able) then ask for APS to open an investigation. They DO have ways to examine financial statements and activities if you feel your mother is being stolen from because of her own mental incapacities.
So the answer goes one of two ways according to the realities of your Mom's mental condition and health, and your Sister's obligations, legally, to your Mother.
Good luck in tracking down the information you need to protect your Mom. I wish you the best.

Not really an answer but a question to the answer if ok?

if the POA added their name to the bank account but never deposits money in there. The only deposits are mom’s social security and pension. Then the POA uses the debit card for her own medical expenses and huge 40,000 purchase. Then tells mom that stocks need to be sold to be bills. (Mom has dementia and doesn’t keep track of her accounts)

Good info thanks but All moms care is coming from her cash saved by dad for years. Not using Medicaid.

If sister is mom's POA, it is her job to keep mom's financial information private. You could have a discussion with sister to make sure that she understand the implications if she is using ANY of mom's money for sister's own purposes. Those types of transactions will be discovered by Medicaid and subject to penalty which is a period of time where mom will be ineligible for benefits. Dollar for dollar, For example, that 100K boat, if mom's assets had been spent, and a nursing home costs 10K a month, then Medicaid would not cover mom's expenses for 10 months.