How do I talk to my husband who has had major stroke, brain damage, and is in skilled nursing, but thinks he should go home?


Thanks for your insight here. My husband of forty years is in skilled nursing after serious stokes last April and again in June. It is day to day. He started doing better - which was a miracle - but refused to eat, so all the PT to get him swallowing went away and he is on a feeding tube. He is paralyzed, but can talk - although it is harder and harder to understand him. Is on anti-psychotics for paranoia. He is 6'5" and it takes two people to care for him. This has all been so hard and there isn't much I can do. The absolute worst is that he believes he can walk, drive, eat etc.. and wants me to give him the car keys when I tell him I need to go. He wants to come home. And that's where I want him. I can't afford to bring him home and there is no prognosis. I don't want him to begin to be angry w me all the time. If anyone has advice for what to talk to him about and how to handle the going home issue, I would appreciate it. This site has been very helpful and people give warm advice that soothes my heart.



I would strongly suggest to let him know that he will need to continue his rehab and PT. He has 2 choices either stay at the Skilled Nursing Facility with a room mate and other patients yelling OR in a private room in an Assisted Living that's on a Month to Month 30 Day Notice when he gets better and ready to go home. (*wink wink)
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to jo2a0507

The fiblet I thought of was to tell him because of his stroke you are having the house modified to make it easier for him to get around but getting things approved by all of the government agencies is taking a long time.
Do some research in the various agency names and alphabet titles.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to OldSailor

Lenarie, sometimes when someone has brain damage or memory issues, when they say that they "want to go home" they mean going back to their childhood home where life was fun and simple.

Use what are called "therapeutic fibs", such as what eyerishlass had mentioned above. I had to use such fibs with my Mom [98] when she "wanted to go home" and visit with her parents and siblings. I had to tell Mom they were busy, they would call later, they are away for the weekend, etc. My Mom also thought she could stand up and walk, which was no longer possible, she kept falling. There was no way my Dad would take care of Mom in her condition. So I understand your concern.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to freqflyer

I think many people will agree with what cdnreader suggests and tell your husband something along the lines of, "I can't bring you home until the doctor signs off on it." Give your husband some vague point in the future that you can't be held accountable for and that gives all the power to some doctor.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Eyerishlass

Dear Lenarie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's condition. I know you love him very much and only want to make him happy. I wonder if you can pacify him for now and say let's see how you are doing in a month's time. It sounds like he needs a lot of care and it is a lot for one person to take on. I don't know if it would help to have a social worker, doctor or family therapist talk to him about his condition and that possibly a nursing home might be a better fit.

After my father's stroke, he was able to talk and move but he was severely weakened. And then all the meds weakened him further because he could not eat. I did everything the social worker asked so he could go home. But I failed to realize how much work it took to manage his pills, meals, daily care, doctor's appointments and managing the home on top of that.

It's really hard to see the people we love suffer. I know I wanted desperately to make my father happy. It was tough.

I know others will give more insight. Thinking of you and your family.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to cdnreader