Our brother is 65, has dementia and lives in the moment. He may or may not recall having a conversation, etc.. He enjoys attention-from anyone. He is physically and mentally handicapped due to a TBI in 1979. I am the primary person in his life. My husband spends some time with him, primarily meals. We have a brother and sister who live in other states. I have suggested they send pictures, cards or call but it's been 2-1/2 yrs and only a few calls and one birthday gift. My brother doesn't ask about them but seems genuinely happy when they did call a couple of times. I am wondering if it really matters if they stay in closer contact as he truly doesn't remember things.
I guess my question has two parts. First, should I just forget about nudging or hinting for their attention based on the past 2 plus years? Secondly, if should try again to bring it up, how can I gracefully navigate the request without sounding coercive or judgemental?
Just to be clear. I am the one who is wanting this for my brother. I have specifically asked my brother if he misses talking to them and he says he doesn't. He seems content talking about the past.
I appreciate any thoughts on this. Maybe another perspective will help me accept the situation or sort the navigating. Thank you.
It is a blessing that he seems content. He has a very close relationship with God and has much faith. I have faith I will know the right time to put him in LTC.
Again, to you, to all of you, thank you for helping me navigate this very confusing maze called life. Hugs.
I cared for a mother who died recently and now I’m the responsible one for a brother who is 64 and disabled, too. My siblings were and are also fairly hands off, although at the end when I would update them as to my mother’s status, they came around--I think to have their own closure, on their terms. I tried requesting their involvement over the years prior to that, but it was clear to me after she died that they would have only done it the way they did it, by coming by just at the end. I felt relief when I stopped trying to get them to come over, by the way. I never even suspected they would appear when I gave those final updates. I was past the point of caring. Funny how that works.
I apply those memories now to my brother, who also never gets visited by them. I believe my siblings have their own ideas and me being just a sister, well, my cajoling or hinting or even asking for what I think is a good idea means little. They have their own ideas.
Hope it works out for you. Best of luck with it.
I wish you much good health and all the things you need to help you with your brother. Thank you for taking time out of your very busy day to help shine some light on my path. Big hugs to you and your brother. Take care of yourself.
When we were still talking, I tried to convince, and then shame, sister into visiting Mom. No luck. Now i just figure "Good, stay out of the picture."
I hope you and your sister find some common ground in time. Girl it's tough. Family has a way of hurting you like nothing else can. Thank you so much for being straightforward and taking the time to share your thoughts. Hugs to you and mom.
If brother doesn't care then you don't need to. I have two brothers and felt like Funkygrandma does, they are adults. We had the same loving Mother who treated all her kids the same. Everything she did she did for her family. One lives 7 hrs away, visited for a weekend once a year. The other 30 min away, hardly saw Mom. I never said anything. They never butted in concerning my care. I did get thanked by both for caring for Mom.
Are you the oldest, I am. I think the oldest kind of feel its up to them to keep the family going. At 75 I don't think like that anymore.
Your brother is content without them.
I can't imagine why you would do this, myself.
IF you make the decision to do anything at all, I would do it in a sweet note sent to all that says, for instance:
Hi All. I wanted to send you this snapshot of Joe at the zoo last week. He loves going.
I know you are all far away and can't visit, and just wanted to let you know if you ever want to send him any notes or snapshots of yourselves and family, he would love to have them. He is quite contented, really, and doing OK. If you ever want updates on him do let me know; I would love to chat with you. If not, I will send you the occasional note to update. Love, Kay
Then just leave it. They aren't you. YOU are wonderful and loving with your bro, so yours is the gift ongoing. My love to you for all you so lovingly do for and with him, and the thanks goes to whatever gods have given him the joy of peace.
And you're right. I have and I will leave it where it is. I don't wish to alienate them further nor make them feel worse about a situation that none of us wants.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I appreciate all of you.
Who knows? They may just take your words to heart and do it.
Maybe you should consider that a good facility will have more to offer your brother than you can. My MIL was in LTC in an excellent faith-based facility near our home. It had lots of activities and the staff was great. She was on Medicaid, in a private room for 7 years. There's no way I could have given her a better daily life without being completely absorbed and lost into the caregiving. Your brother could live 2 more decades. You and your husband need your lives back.
Yes LTC is on his horizon. I am putting it off as long as I can. But I know it's only a matter of time. I check in with hubby every so often to see where he's at with brother being here. We know this isn't and can't be a permanent arrangement. We are making the most of the time we've got.
Thank you so much for sharing your insights. The best advice comes from those who have been through it.
At least he has you and your husband. That just may be enough.
Life gets busy and before we know it months have passed without reaching out to our loved ones. Maybe having him send cards or make the calls will help nudge them towards reciprocating the effort without a word from you.
My advice would be to leave things as they are. It's good that your brother is happy and content; I hope that this is how he continues.
I might point out that due to changes that come with age, it's possible your brother wouldn't recognise his siblings now. His answers to your question about contact make it seem that he might, however he could be masking or having a good moment in terms of memory.
I think you could be feeling that this contact is needed because it's what you would want. Who knows what we would want, though, if we were affected by dementia?
If you think it would be nice to have contact, just say straight out that time has flown by and that you miss them and would love some updates, including photos. Perhaps, send some pics and updates yourself, including your brother.
There's no need for blame or bad feelings - it wasn't yours or your siblings' responsibility to care for your brother. It's lovely that you took it on, but that doesn't mean anyone needs to feel guilty. So, just give updates on his health in a matter of fact way.
When I contacted my brother to let him know the GP had suggested Mum be placed on palliative care, and I'd just picked up the prescription for her end of life meds, it was a shock to him. His partner told me it was the first time she had seen him break down in tears, when she rang later to check I was okay. So, I felt guilty that I hadn't updated him sooner on what I understood about her failing health. He felt guilty that I had been dealing with this on my own without his help. All that misplaced guilt - what a waste of emotion and energy!
We used to only see each other once or twice a year, at family gatherings, but we see each other more often now.
Re-read any message before you send it to your siblings, to check your tone. Be open and genuine. And be in the present - don't allow the past to ruin any chances of future communication.
Wishing you and your family the best.
Thank you so much for a well thought out and kind response. I am blessed and so is my brother. We have been given a little window of time and I want to make the most if it. Hugs to you.
My family was both broken and blended, with difficult characters, siblings growing up in different households, and mental health issues in the mix.
I think that I may be the glue that stops us all from breaking away completely (or I could have too high an opinion of my position). Whatever the reason, when push comes to shove, we are generally there for each other.
But, it's not easy or automatic; it takes a conscious effort.
The only outcome of such a push for attention is likely to be resentment against you. Is that what you want the family dynamic to look like?
Good for you and your husband! Brother is lucky to have you in his corner.
BTW, I'm in the same situation with family members unwilling, uninterested and unhelpful toward my husband, who is in memory care. At this point, it really doesn't matter. He doesn't know who they are, and that's fine. I don't need them here criticizing, suggesting things that don't work, staying overnight in my home, needing meals, attention, and explanations as to why husband this or that. I mean, WHY would that be helpful in any way?
I am sorry about your situation. It's hurtful when the people you should be able to rely on don't show up. But perhaps it's a blessing in disguise. (I have also applied this logic to my situation after reading the replies to my post yesterday.) As you pointed out, if they were there perhaps they would not provide the support you need or it would come at an emotional cost. And I don't know about you but I don't have that much energy anymore. Sometimes family just isn't there and people you do not know will show up for you. They are angels in disguise. Thank God for those folks. Hugs to you my friend.