How do I address my siblings who do not communicate scheduling needs changes except through my mother who has dementia?

If mom needs more help than just you, she needs to hire it

Do you have POA so that you can use her funds to hire aides?

Your siblings are doing what they choose to. They are not obligated to do more.

Some folks are not cut out to be caregivers. Others tightly prioritize their spouses and children over care for an elder.

The answer to troublesome siblings is that they never CAN be dealt with, sad as that news is. I am afraid you are on your own, Shaun, and am sorry for it.

While I agree that you can’t expect help from anyone, you can only control yourself the way I read it that isn’t the initial issue you were asking about. If your siblings have offered or agreed to receiving you for 10 hours a week and the regular schedule for that is Friday and Saturday that is a commitment they have made. It may be that since they don’t spend as much time with your mom they don’t really grasp just how far along her dementia has progressed and they think scheduling with your mom is the same as scheduling with you. They may even think it disrespectful to mom to go around her or perhaps they feel like discussions with you about schedule always turns into a discussion about what they aren’t doing or maybe that's just their perception because they do feel guilty they aren’t doing more. Believe it or not siblings who just aren’t able to spend more time helping or just spending time with their aging parent can often feel jealous of the sibling who is the primary caregiver, things always seem more glamorous on the outside than they really are.

Whatever their reason is for scheduling through your mom rather than confront them I might go for a preemptive and subtle approach, “sibling are you able to come next week same times? Mom often forgets to tell me when you need to change and then I have to cancel plans” and when you need to do something or just need a break “sibling I really need help on (date and time) could you come stay with Mom?”. Better yet sit down and have a conversation with all the siblings and say “Mom is needing more and more help and I can’t manage it alone anymore so I would like to hire some help” see what they say, if they offer to come more often, great, if they don’t it will be hard for them to say no to bringing someone in and then figuring out how to pay for it. Make them part of it all and part of solving the problem as well.

In my own experience with two sisters, you cannot make them do what they clearly don't want to do. Bottom line.
I have been caring for my Mother for the past almost 4 years with very little help if any from them. I decided early on to use Moms money (I'm POA), to hire help. My Mom is easily to care for as of now, however, she just turned 89 and I am preparing for her decline and move to a facility if needed.
I have sacrificed for my Mom to care for her (my choice) but I will not give up my own life to do so. Please consider that this is all on you, don't think they will help more eventually because it will actually be less. Do what is right for you and your Mom. If she can't afford in home help then a facility should be your next step.
I wish you the best and I understand how difficult it all is to handle. Take comfort in knowing you are NOT alone.

ShaunGraham: Sadly as proven in your own family (and probably some others), you can rely on no one but yourself.

Time to place Mom. If she has money, use it for her care in a NH. When it runs out, then apply for Medicaid. No money apply for Medicaid. Sit down with a Medicaid caseworker. I placed my Mom at age 89. She had 20k, that got her in the door. It paid for 2 months in the NH. Gave me time to apply for Medicaid, spend down her money and get info needed to Medicaid. The third month Medicaid kicked in.

If she is hospitalized, do not take her home. Have her transferred to a NH from the Hospital. You have done enough. You are older now too and just can't do it all anymore. Sisters are the smart ones.

I totally understand what you’re going through. I’m actually going through taking care of my father our family has three other siblings. Number 1 was good at first then I caught her calling my Dad screaming profanity at him, the second is the reason our father is living with me, and my husband. Elder abuse,financial abuse and emotional abuse. The only son is continuous in prison for DUI. They all only have monitor phone or in person visitation which they no longer did or do. I found a day program for my Dad for dementia/ Alzheimer’s patients. It’s a great program they do exercises, art, games and current events. We are currently doing 3 days a week to allow my husband and myself some time we can enjoy together and do some shopping, hiking or just alone time. We plan a vacation a year and my Dad goes to respite care. If we need a date night in the evening we will hire a in-home caregiver. You need time to yourself and if you can’t count on your siblings then you need to hire out so you don’t get resentful.We’re doing gods work and the right thing we just need some time for ourselves too. Put your mask on first so you may help others.

Your siblings are making it clear that they really don’t want to do more and that they don’t want to schedule their lives around their mother or your requests . They may be silently trying to quit caregiving (due to the scheduling issues ) and waiting for you to get fed up and tell them “ Don’t bother coming “. You can’t request they do anything , which could be why they ignore you . This is no longer working .

The truth is no one is obligated to do this at all including you . So help will need to be hired using your mother’s money to give you relief or Mom needs to be placed in a facility . Your mother’s needs are increasing and is too much for one person to handle .

Direct communication betweeen the two people involved is GOOD communication - is helpful.
Going via a third party is not. It can hinders good communication, add confusion. (I was told that by a Social Worker).

While you can't directly change how your siblings communicate, hopfully by using an open & clear communication style yourself it may rub off?

".. they ignore the request".

All behaviour is communication.

Ignoring your requests may be forgetfullness or flakey, but could be purposeful eg Be a way of saying "No" to you without the awkward conversation.

I'll be blunt here, check in with yourself to reflect on your requests. That the recipient is free to say yes or no.

If you do need more help, more help than family (whether supportive or flakey) can give - it is time to consider paid helpers.

And that's OK! Caring for elders can be a job too big for just family. Many families really struggle with that concept. They hold values of *family helps family*. Yes, lovely, but it depends how big your family is!! Got 10 siblings, all living nearby, all with the time, skill, apptitude & own health for caregiving? (I sure don't).

Suggest to phone each other DIRECTLY with requests & swaps. Or txt. So easy to txt these days. Get a group chat going. Every request openly able to be read, not confuddled by Mom or manipulated so easilty.

Start a group txt 'Team Mom' today 😀

The bottom line is they do not have to anything. Since you choose to be the main caregiver that is not their problem.

You might have to use your mother's money to hire a caregiver, or place her in either AL or MC.

Sometimes caregivers get too wrapped up in caring for another and they forget that they have a life of their own, whereas others are more dedicated to their own spouse/family.