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We invited Mom to move in with us in May. At first she kept a low profile, surveying the way we did things. We made a few rules, just to make sure she would respect our wishes. She didn't. She went behind our backs and did things we told her she was not to do. When confronted, she was defensive and lied to us. She thinks she's here to "help" us. She tells me when the mail comes and insists that she or I get it immediately. She tells me when the toilet paper is low, if the kleenex is getting low, that she only has 2 days of cereal left. She announces that my husband is leaving or coming in or sleeping or watching TV. She thinks I work too hard, don't sleep enough, don't eat when I should. She comes into the bathroom to tell me my phone rang. She "nags" me (she calls it helping me) about everything, over and over, the same things. When she's not telling me what to do or reminding me of something she's already told me 5 times, she's complain about something. When I tell her it doesn't help to remind me of what to do, she gets down right snotty, like a spoiled child. She looks for the worst case scenario so she is always stirred up about something. She has been taking tranquilizers for years but they don't help. I have no peace anymore. I have worked for years to make us a happy, tranquil home and maintaining that is becoming harder and harder. I feel like her negativity is wearing me down. So far nothing I say seems to make any difference. There has got to be something I can do to regain some joy again. Help!

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"Mum, you appear to be bored, lonely etc. I think you need to be living in a place with more socializing. Next weekend, we are going to take you to look at 3 assisted living places, you can choose the one you like best."

You need to set boundaries with her. She sounds like she is bored to tears, needs someone to talk to and you need the peace and tranquility of your home back.
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Sounds like your mother is going down the dementia highway since she is repeating herself incessantly. Not a good thing, and highly irritating to listen to all the time. How do you get her to stop micro-managing? You move her OUT into her own little place in independent or assisted living, depending on her needs. I'd definitely look into a community that has several levels of care, though, since she's exhibiting signs of possible dementia at this point in time. That way, as her care needs increase, she can just move levels accordingly.

My mother has always been a nervous wreck and riddled with OCD and anxiety/depression. So there was no way I was ever going to invite her to live with me. Nowadays, in Assisted Living memory care, she pays others to put up with her behavior and I only have to tolerate it in limited quantities, thank God. Tonight we're taking her to dinner and then dropping her off so we can ALL have a relaxing night.

Best of luck as you decide what the next phase of your life is going to look and feel like....its up to YOU. Dollyme is giving you great advice.

PS......just saw your mother is 95!!!!! Look around at some Assisted Living places nearby......shes likely going to need LOTS of help here very soon. She may love the activities and complaining about the food with the other residents!!! My mother has always liked it a lot fro a social standpoint.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2, 2019
Lealonnie,

Both of my parents were worry warts even when they were younger, just meddling types too.

No dementia in either. The repetition was in the form of interfering, controlling and nagging. If I ignored them, it didn’t help either. They would get furious and harp on me even more.

Isn’t it sad? May start out as caring or concern but somehow gets out of hand. My dad, on the other hand mellowed in his senior years and was so sweet.
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I went through the same thing with my mom. She lived with us for way too long, almost 15 years and it became a nightmare! It destroyed the mother/daughter relationship. I regret it.

I had unusual circumstances. I took her in initially because she lost her home in Katrina. If it would have been a temporary thing and then she moved out it would have been so much better.

It’s not my place to tell you what to do. End decision is yours. For some people it works out and mom and daughter are compatible. Personally, I don’t think anyone gets along all of the time. Too much togetherness causes problems.

I wish you the best no matter what you decide. Hugs!
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Why did you move your mother into your home? Generally, a disaster, since women of her age are focused on homemaking as their "thing." She sounds too nervous or has too much energy and lacks an activity to direct it toward. Is their some reason why she is not living on her own, or in assisted living?
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I think that you need to have a talk about what help you really need and what she does, that even though you know that her heart is in the right place, it is not helpful and in fact it is problematic. You should make it very clear that you are the mistress in your home and she is a welcome guest, however, that could change if she doesn't start respecting you and your rules.

If she doesn't change her behavior you may be dealing with the onset of cognitive impairment. In which case facility care may be the next step.

I don't think that we are obligated to give up our happy homes to accommodate a parent that requires care. You will be her daughter and advocate, you will have your safe haven to rebalance and you won't grow to resent her.

Have the talk and be kind and firm, but make it very clear that she will be moving to a new address if she doesn't honor your house rules and how you choose to do things.

Best of luck, it is a difficult situation when a parent wants to be the head of the house by running everybody's actions.
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Dollyme is absolutely right. It’s very, very difficult for two women to live in the same house, especially when one is the lady of the house and the other used to be the lady of her own house. The fact that she’s your mother and used to obedience from you makes it so much worse.

“Mom, we have tried this for 6 months and it’s just not working out. We think that it might be better for you if you went back to having your own home. We know you’ll be happier having your own place again. We’ve done some research and there are some very nice Senior Apartments on Main Street that we’re going to go look at for you. We will help you move. We will visit you often. We love you a lot but we just think we’d all be happier if you had your own place.”
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Sure, have her move out either to her own apartment or IL/AL what ever suits her better.

She has shown you who she is, believe her. You will have no joy or peace as long as she lives with you. Most of the time these arrangements do not work.

There can only be one Queen of the castle, and it must be you, not her.
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