Yes, I had come to terms with taking care of him and ignoring previous bad behavior (anger during his cancer & COPD journey). Was in hospital and transitioning to hospice at home. Early this morning RN called to say he kept sitting up (fall risk) and pulling out his nasal cannula… She said she just wanted to let me know.
That evening when I came home from visiting I was in a cleaning mode - to make room for possible hospital bed. She called when I had been asleep an hour. I thought about going back but RN didn’t sound alarmed and she had been his evening nurse 3 consecutive nights. An hour later the social worker called to say he had died. He looked like he was sleeping, not ashen and no painful expressions (drip fentanyl 10mcg and that night increased to 25mcg).
I am relieved he is not in pain but really thought he had a few more weeks. Lots of mixed emotions so I am glad I started lots of the end of life planning early. But I feel bad he died alone but comfortable. RN said they had just gone back to check on him and he wouldn’t respond… He was still warm and laying there quietly.
I know not being there was OK and we had a nice all day visit earlier (he was really loony but then asked about what else does hospice need - and not grumble to come home).
Have not had my cry yet.
This is a great source of comfort and information. Glad I found it early.
It wasn't the ending like you had imagined probably. But it sounds like you were there for him when he needed you. I hope you can take comfort in that.
I tell the family what you said and it helps…that if the RN didn’t know he slipped away the way he wanted.
Thanks and thanks to everyone here