Yes, I had come to terms with taking care of him and ignoring previous bad behavior (anger during his cancer & COPD journey). Was in hospital and transitioning to hospice at home. Early this morning RN called to say he kept sitting up (fall risk) and pulling out his nasal cannula… She said she just wanted to let me know.
That evening when I came home from visiting I was in a cleaning mode - to make room for possible hospital bed. She called when I had been asleep an hour. I thought about going back but RN didn’t sound alarmed and she had been his evening nurse 3 consecutive nights. An hour later the social worker called to say he had died. He looked like he was sleeping, not ashen and no painful expressions (drip fentanyl 10mcg and that night increased to 25mcg).
I am relieved he is not in pain but really thought he had a few more weeks. Lots of mixed emotions so I am glad I started lots of the end of life planning early. But I feel bad he died alone but comfortable. RN said they had just gone back to check on him and he wouldn’t respond… He was still warm and laying there quietly.
I know not being there was OK and we had a nice all day visit earlier (he was really loony but then asked about what else does hospice need - and not grumble to come home).
Have not had my cry yet.
This is a great source of comfort and information. Glad I found it early.
You did so much for so long.
He's gone now and it is over.
You did enough. You did a good job. He was lucky so to have you.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Just because you weren't physically in the same room when your husband died, you did not let him die alone. You had been actively caring for and visiting him. He was aware of your care and presence. He was on your mind even when you weren't there.
To me, "dying alone" is how actor Gene Hackman died.
Big difference.
It's okay if you haven't had your "cry" yet. Everyone always thinks there's something wrong with them if they're not crying when someone dies. There isn't. Believe me, crying about it doesn't change anything or make it any better. Don't beat yourself up over that.
Now is the time when you need a rest yourself. Time just for you to relax and have some peace.
Anyway, he was in the hospital and, since my brother and SIL were both very sick with COVID, I went every day after work to visit him. He made it clear to everyone that, when he started to deteriorate, he wanted to go on hospice in the hospital. He didn't want to go home and be a burden to any of us. The hospital staff was great. They let me come in every day. They provided me with full PPE. They let me stay until I wanted to leave.
Toward the end, I made calls to his sister and his son (my step-brother) so he could say goodbye. I also called his pastor so the pastor could pray for and with Dad. The last day I saw him, he was unresponsive. I noticed his breathing changes (cheyne stokes breathing) and his skin was warm when it had been cool the entire time he was in the hospital. I wanted to talk to a nurse before I left, but they were so busy with other COVID patients that I couldn't. So, I took off my PPE, kissed Dad on the forehead and told him that I would come the next day but, if he had to go, I understood. Shortly after I got home, the nurse called me about his changes. I told her I noticed that too and asked if she thought I should come back down. She said it was up to me, but she has seen people last for days in his condition. So, I told her I would get some rest and come in the following morning. My brother called me at 11:30 PM and said that the nurse had just called him and Dad had passed away. I have beaten myself up for not going down every day since January 21, 2021. I was there when Mom died and I wanted to be there with Dad. But, some people say that he may have wanted to die alone. Some people will hold on until "everyone" is there. Others will hold out until nobody is there. I have just come to accept that I was not there for a reason.
Don't beat yourself up. If you were meant to have been there, you would have been.
Thank you for sharing
I think it’s going to take some time for you since it wasn’t unexpected but you didn’t expect it right then.
sending love and light to you
My mom did that! Waited til we were all gone.
I appreciate your supportive & kindness. I sit on his bed at home (a couple of times a day) just sit there quietly. And yes, I know he is gone but it is tough.
Your husband knows of the love and care you showed him. Please don’t feel bad anymore.
I was thinking today that his last 2 days I just sat quietly with him, holding his hand while he slept. All previous days and previous hospital admissions the TV would be on and some chit chat.
He had been in & out of the hospital since mid-December and almost every couple of weeks via ambulance when he said his breathing was difficult and twice our personal vehicle.
Thank you so very much for your kindness.
My mom lived with me for her last 2 ½ years. She started home hospice what ended up being her final 2 weeks. On her final day, I gave her meds at 12N. My sister arrived from states away a little before 1PM and went to her room and held her hand. After my sister came out, I went in and found she had passed away. (likely passed before my sister went in) I felt so bad that I wasn’t with her when she passed…how was anything else I was doing around the house more important.
Hospice people told me that some dying patients wait till their loved ones leave the room. For me, I think about the mornings I woke up early, couldn’t fall back asleep so sat at her bedside holding her hand. I look back on the care and companionship I provided in her declining years and the happy times we shared. I think about how I slept in the same room as her and made sure someone was always in the house with her. I have to think of these as more important than sitting at her bedside while she was unresponsive waiting for her final breath.
Thanks so much for sharing.
I understand many of us want to be with our loved ones when they pass, to comfort them.
Please realize that you gave your husband the wonderful gift of a really happy day right before passing.
If you had been there, he may not have felt the freedom of letting go.
Let yourself grieve as long as you need and in the manner you need. But don't beat yourself up over not being there. It sounds like there wasn't anything left unsaid.
I told our sad little family similar (to give them relief) that if we had been there he may have lingered and he was in a lot of pain. That saddens me when I remember him telling the nurse his pain level was 8-9 (recent vertebrae fractures from the prednisone to ease hard lungs).
I will try to let go of the not-being-there.
Thank you
About 1:00 am, I awoke and checked my watch and noted that I had not gotten a call from the MC facility where she was and I thought "maybe she's going to make it through the night" and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I had wanted her to get her release for a long time, but after having one good day with my mom, I wanted one more. Fifteen minutes later, I got the call. They had been in and out of her room quite a lot since I had left (which gave me comfort, knowing that they were tending to her in my absence). One of the nurses had just given her a shot of morphine and when she went back to check on her a few minutes later, she had passed away. Alone.
Everyone has told me it wasn't my fault she died alone, that I had had a plan for being with her and I was wise for leaving when I did because I didn't need to wear myself out. Well - yes, to all of that. My brain acknowledges that but my heart doesn't recognize my own frailty.
Here's the thing that has helped me be okay with her dying alone: Our hospice social worker said that some people seem to wait to die until someone is able to be with them. Other people wait until everyone is gone. Would my presence have prolonged her leaving? Would she have wanted to linger with me for another good day if I had not left? I know that we don't order the time of our own deaths, but perhaps in cases like this, God gives a little leeway to allow it to happen the way we want it to happen. It seems like the least He could do when someone has suffered as my mother and your husband did.
That was very supportive of your husband. Thanks for your kindness. I do believe that our loved ones are at peace now.
As for not crying yet, don't beat yourself up about that either. I didn't cry when my mom died. I know now that I was in shock, but at the time, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn't cry until mid-way through her memorial, which was two weeks later. Suddenly it just broke free.
The memorial is in a couple of weeks. I enjoyed your mom’s Letterman Show story. Appreciate you sharing that
so you are not alone
in-unfounded guilt and grief - it’s very common and the
truth is..
you can’t be with someone all the time
they can go at anytime
and more often than not it’s when you aren’t prepared.
death has no timeline - it can happen whenever …
just rest assure that caring for someone is a mammoth task and mentally & physically draining with the changes in behaviour and actual illness that you also need to come to terms with …
you did your best and there’s no question of that.
try to be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot
you gave a lot !
and day of judgement - you can stand tall and feel proud.
forget the illness now and remember father for the good times.
dont feel bad about crying- either - let it out and if the emotions don’t calm down look to a little counselling maybe ..
you tho havent anything to feel guilty about …
look at the bigger picture- you should feel very very proud of how you supported father .
best wishes to you
You are so right! Getting all the business that comes after a death has kept me busy and packing up for donation the items he never used, never used the past year (my things too).
When I finished almost everything I was happy and told him “now to take care of me”
I had been getting things i order the past couple of months and told people I had to get things done, ask questions because I might fall apart when he dies. I did things quietly when he was at home so I wouldn’t make him sad.
Thanks so much for your kindness
I had the similar thought “why didn’t I go back when the nurse called earlier” but feeling “better” with all the kindness and sharing here.
Please do not berate yourself. This could have happened when he was home while you were sleeping.
Even though your husband had not begun hospice, they should have support available for you—I would advise you to ask about it or other grief support in your area. Groups with others experiencing loss have been invaluable to me, along with individual grief counseling. It sounds like your husband knew the plan, and was ready to let go. I think your mind understands that you have nothing to feel guilty about and I believe that your feelings will follow. All the best to you.
Don't beat yourself up, remember the good times and accept that he is in a better place, no longer suffering.
I cannot wrap my heart around his absence. The last 5 months he had been in & out of hospital so I have a sad headstart on being alone.
Love the forum💖
My next challenge is SS after I get his death certificate.
My deepest condolences 🙏 😔
I am sorry for your loss.
Remind yourself that you did the best you could in handling his illness and passing. I wish you peace as you embark on the next phase of your life.
And if you are a Christian then you know that no one dies alone, as Jesus is right by their side along with many family members as well who have gone on before them.
You did a great job caring for your husband and he knew that, and obviously didn't want his last breath to be your last memory of him.
So honor that fact, and now move forward in ways that will continue to make him proud.
God bless you.
May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength and comfort during this difficult time and new season in life.
I believe that he went exactly as he was supposed to, in his sleep. That is truly a blessing and you have NOTHING to feel bad about.