Yes, I had come to terms with taking care of him and ignoring previous bad behavior (anger during his cancer & COPD journey). Was in hospital and transitioning to hospice at home. Early this morning RN called to say he kept sitting up (fall risk) and pulling out his nasal cannula… She said she just wanted to let me know.
That evening when I came home from visiting I was in a cleaning mode - to make room for possible hospital bed. She called when I had been asleep an hour. I thought about going back but RN didn’t sound alarmed and she had been his evening nurse 3 consecutive nights. An hour later the social worker called to say he had died. He looked like he was sleeping, not ashen and no painful expressions (drip fentanyl 10mcg and that night increased to 25mcg).
I am relieved he is not in pain but really thought he had a few more weeks. Lots of mixed emotions so I am glad I started lots of the end of life planning early. But I feel bad he died alone but comfortable. RN said they had just gone back to check on him and he wouldn’t respond… He was still warm and laying there quietly.
I know not being there was OK and we had a nice all day visit earlier (he was really loony but then asked about what else does hospice need - and not grumble to come home).
Have not had my cry yet.
This is a great source of comfort and information. Glad I found it early.
And if you are a Christian then you know that no one dies alone, as Jesus is right by their side along with many family members as well who have gone on before them.
You did a great job caring for your husband and he knew that, and obviously didn't want his last breath to be your last memory of him.
So honor that fact, and now move forward in ways that will continue to make him proud.
God bless you.
May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength and comfort during this difficult time and new season in life.
I believe that he went exactly as he was supposed to, in his sleep. That is truly a blessing and you have NOTHING to feel bad about.
It wasn't the ending like you had imagined probably. But it sounds like you were there for him when he needed you. I hope you can take comfort in that.
I tell the family what you said and it helps…that if the RN didn’t know he slipped away the way he wanted.
Thanks and thanks to everyone here
Remind yourself that you did the best you could in handling his illness and passing. I wish you peace as you embark on the next phase of your life.
I am sorry for your loss.
I had the similar thought “why didn’t I go back when the nurse called earlier” but feeling “better” with all the kindness and sharing here.
I cannot wrap my heart around his absence. The last 5 months he had been in & out of hospital so I have a sad headstart on being alone.
Love the forum💖
My next challenge is SS after I get his death certificate.
Don't beat yourself up, remember the good times and accept that he is in a better place, no longer suffering.
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