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Yes, I had come to terms with taking care of him and ignoring previous bad behavior (anger during his cancer & COPD journey). Was in hospital and transitioning to hospice at home. Early this morning RN called to say he kept sitting up (fall risk) and pulling out his nasal cannula… She said she just wanted to let me know.


That evening when I came home from visiting I was in a cleaning mode - to make room for possible hospital bed. She called when I had been asleep an hour. I thought about going back but RN didn’t sound alarmed and she had been his evening nurse 3 consecutive nights. An hour later the social worker called to say he had died. He looked like he was sleeping, not ashen and no painful expressions (drip fentanyl 10mcg and that night increased to 25mcg).


I am relieved he is not in pain but really thought he had a few more weeks. Lots of mixed emotions so I am glad I started lots of the end of life planning early. But I feel bad he died alone but comfortable. RN said they had just gone back to check on him and he wouldn’t respond… He was still warm and laying there quietly.


I know not being there was OK and we had a nice all day visit earlier (he was really loony but then asked about what else does hospice need - and not grumble to come home).


Have not had my cry yet.


This is a great source of comfort and information. Glad I found it early.

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The fact that your husband died when you weren't with him was EXACTLY how he wanted his death to go down.
And if you are a Christian then you know that no one dies alone, as Jesus is right by their side along with many family members as well who have gone on before them.
You did a great job caring for your husband and he knew that, and obviously didn't want his last breath to be your last memory of him.
So honor that fact, and now move forward in ways that will continue to make him proud.
God bless you.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to funkygrandma59
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Happynana, I am so sorry for your loss.

May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength and comfort during this difficult time and new season in life.

I believe that he went exactly as he was supposed to, in his sleep. That is truly a blessing and you have NOTHING to feel bad about.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you spent his last hours lovingly preparing to take care of him. It wasn't the wrong thing to do. Sometimes, people wait until they are alone to die. The nurses didn't know, how could you have known? The fact is NO ONE ever knows.
It wasn't the ending like you had imagined probably. But it sounds like you were there for him when he needed you. I hope you can take comfort in that.
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Reply to Notwhoshewants
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HappyNana70 May 16, 2025
Thanks Not-
I tell the family what you said and it helps…that if the RN didn’t know he slipped away the way he wanted.

Thanks and thanks to everyone here
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My sincere condolences to you. He may have wanted it that way. I know I do.

Remind yourself that you did the best you could in handling his illness and passing. I wish you peace as you embark on the next phase of your life.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Happynana, no matter how well prepared we think we are for death, it can still surprise us.

I am sorry for your loss.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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I work in the health field. I have seen this time & time again. Many people slip away after their loved one has left the room.
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Reply to Beatty
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One of the things that I learned from this forum is that what we think is guilt is really just grief. I felt the same way when my husband died. He was in a coma at the Memory Care facility. I had been with him all day, praying, singing and holding his hand - hoping that he could hear me, even though he couldn't respond. The hospice nurse said there was no way to determine how long he would last that way, so I went home to get some rest in order to be with him the next day. He died that night. My first thought when they called was, "I SHOULD have stayed!" You and I did the best that we could - we have nothing to be guilty for. A wise friend once told me, Don't ever "SHOULD" on yourself.
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Reply to WearyJean
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HappyNana70 May 16, 2025
Thank you Weary- I hope you are getting along.

I had the similar thought “why didn’t I go back when the nurse called earlier” but feeling “better” with all the kindness and sharing here.
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So sorry for the loss of your husband. You were with him. It's not your fault. Your husband did not want you to watch him pass away. He gave that gift to you. My mom did the same thing to me. They want to spare us the gasping for air etc. Please remember the life you had. The good memories only.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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Thanks sooooo much! My girlfriend also added if I had been there he would have lingered and he was in so much pain (fractured vertebrae and his COPD & Lung cancer issues).

I cannot wrap my heart around his absence. The last 5 months he had been in & out of hospital so I have a sad headstart on being alone.

Love the forum💖

My next challenge is SS after I get his death certificate.
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Reply to HappyNana70
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I am sorry for your loss. Dying while alone is very common. My husband, father, mother & cousin all did that, it was the way they wanted to go.

Don't beat yourself up, remember the good times and accept that he is in a better place, no longer suffering.
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Reply to MeDolly
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