How do I say no?

By getting her the care she needs you are taking care of her, just not in the way some people want to use guilt to manipulate you into doing it so they don’t have to.

A 93 year old person with dementia should be at a facility with memory care. Us "normal" people are not equipped to deal with all of the issues that come with someone who has this disease, no matter how much we wish we could. That is the reality of the situation.
You don't need to justify to anyone why you do what you do. The answer is no. Plain and simple. They don't need to like it, they don't need to understand it (but I bet your siblings do understand) they just need to accept it.

You can't live your life trying to make everyone else happy.  Tell them you are going to be the best daughter you can be by assisting your mother in finding the best care available.  Running yourself into the ground and giving up your life doesn't make you a better daughter and if your siblings need you to do that then they don't have your best interests at heart.  Help your mom find a great place half way between you and your siblings so that everyone can visit mom.

Don't let them bully you into doing something you don't want to do.

Great question great responses. With Covid now I’m struggling with this same issue, but these viruses are adding more fear.

To quote my sister in law (who loved my mom dearly) "well, I always thought mom would come live with us, but with this dementia thing and the delusions, no, not happening".

Dementia is a one way street. It does not get better. But it IS better to get someone with early dementia into a facility while they still have some skills that will allow them to adjust.

You are perfectly justified in saying that moving in with you is not the best care plan for mom. She needs professionals, not tired and retired children, caring for her.

Wish I could follow my own advice sometimes... but... Just say, "I just can't. Sorry" and don't say why except "I just can't". If you give them a reason the'll come up as to why you can. She may outlive you. Keep that in mine when saying it as many times as you need to. There are plenty of nice assisted living places out there. Keep us posted. Stay strong.

I’m 61 & my mother is 93. I’m in good shape & health ...have no husband or children but have home a mother with dementia who sometimes gets violent. She’s incontinent & immobile. She gets transferred with lift machine. I discharged her 3 years ago from SNF she was in for 10 months. She declined much & needs medications for agitation. I’m exhausted. DON’T TAKE HER HOME!!!!!!! You will regret it.
HUGS 🤗!!!

DO NOT DO IT! You will regret it. You don't have to explain anything really - just say it's not possible. Your mother sounds like she needs to be in a nursing home. Your dementia will only get worse - along with the rest of her problems. If she wants to stay in her home - then she will need home health care. I'm getting to that point now - my mother is in my house and is 93. She does o.k. except for the fact that she tries to STILL tell me what to do - how to spend my money when I have worked for 40 years! I'm just waiting to retire - SSN at 62. She keeps telling me that I wouldn't have to still work if I would just quit spending money. Trust me - I buy clothes on the clearance rack, color my own hair, and hardly EVER take a vacation. Only a night away for a year. I'm so tired of this life but with the pandemic am really stuck at the moment. I plan to tell her she needs to figure something out because I CANNOT take care of her. I have joint issues - cannot bend down and pick someone up or help her shower when it gets to that. God Bless - but find other avenues. I too feel like I deserve to have a life - she has lived with me off/on for over 20 years. I'm just tired as she can be a very manipulative, negative, narcissistic person. She has also driven a wedge between other family members. So no one really comes around to see/visit her. Tired of this!!!!

As a 66 y.o. who just retired and brought Mom who is 95 to live with me 2 years ago, say NO. It is going ok for me at the current time, but my youngest, the 38 y.o. lives between with me and her longtime boyfriend who lives a mile away. They are over here a lot which helps tremendously. ( My brother passed away a few years ago, so I am the only child. )

But different things are a constant struggle, and I have no life outside of home. Be strong, say NO, don't let it get started. Find a good place for her to live in assisted living and then you and your siblings can visit.

It is a constant struggle for instance having her use her walker, bending over to pick things up. She is SO unsteady. She constantly leaves her walker in a different room and "forgets" it vs. purposely leaves it. Her vision and hearing are not good. Memory so-so. She is a very young 95 and very healthy; I see her living to and past 100. I love my mom very much, but if she has one bad fall and breaks anything, she will wind up in a nursing home for sure.

I think you need to answer your question by asking yourself what if your children were saying “no” about you,

Ricky, that's a perfectly fair point - provided that you first of all imagine yourself to be 93 years old and very much attached to your own ways.

You would also have to imagine expecting your children to make the necessary sacrifices, which I for one hope will remain unthinkable.

You care for her as much as possible already. What do your siblings do for your mother? Where do they live?

What are her finances? Can she afford an assisted living place? Can she afford hiring her own in-home caregivers? Why hasn't that been considered? I hope the attitude isn't that "Mama will never go into a home."

Whatever you do, do NOT take her temporarily "to see how it goes." Say no and mean it from the beginning.

You are seeking approval, not advice, for a decision you are struggling with. Most of us have been in the same or a similar situation. Just remember, the decision you make will be one you will live with for the rest of your life. If you feel guilty now it will be compounded after she is gone. We all come into this world depending on help and we leave the same way. And you will someday find yourself in the same situation. What goes around comes around.

I have to agree with the comments suggesting that you just say no. Although a lot of people will disagree with your decision, and disagree with this post, we personally had to make this decision a long time ago and it was the right thing to do. The people who condemned us have moved on. My mother-in-law was fine mentally, but physically was giving out. We were under pressure to take her in by her friends and church. But, these people knew only the woman she wanted them to see, and not the woman we knew her to be. All of the children knew what would happen to their lives and their marriages if one of us decided to take her in. I knew this woman for over 40 years and I could go into detail about what problems she caused through our married life, but I'll let my husband's 3 other siblings multiple failed marriages speak for that. She was intrusive and manipulative, a thing my husband recognized around our third year of marriage, and he was the only one who was able to distance himself from her manipulations and handle her in a way that allowed us to remain part of the "family" but immune to her attacks. But, we also recognized that living with these attacks 24/7 would wear on us, and we know better than to invite this into our home when there are workable alternatives. Every family situation is different, and you have to decide for yourself. Making sure your mother is safe and cared for, in my opinion, is your responsibility, be it at her home with caregivers, in a nursing home, etc. Being pressured by outsiders who could never know your actual situation will always be an issue, but go with your gut and don't let other people guilt you into doing something you are going to regret. Yes, their comments and snubs will hurt and be hard to take, but you don't owe anybody any explanation for your decisions, you have to do what is right for you. We made this decision 8 years ago, and still get asked why we didn't you let her move in with us, but we just say "we made the decision that was right for Mom and the family." Good luck! Stay strong, and know there are those of us who completely understand and have made the same hard decisions and lived through it.

Do not let her live with you if you can avoid it. I wish someone had told me how difficult it would be before my Mom came to live with me 7 1/2 years ago. She is 91 years old now with dementia and it keeps getting more difficult.She has never appreciated the scarifice my family has made to have her live with us. Keep your Mom where she is if you can.

Please, just say "No, I am not able to" or "It is not possible for me to care for mom at this time". You do not need to explain why; it is your business. If she comes into your home she will never go to MC or a NH, and you may live the rest of your years being her staff, and/or die before she does. Do not feel guilty! You have your own life to live! Best wishes.

Could you and your siblings help your Mom find an ALF that has higher levels of care as well? I do not recommended having your Mom live with you, and I strongly disagree with comments others have made about “guilt”. I would never want to guilt my kids into taking me in! I do not ever want to be a burden to them!

You have a meeting with the siblings to discuss the best options for your mom. Could she moved to assisted living nearer to you and them? Just kids visiting is a plus when done on a regular basis. See who can offer what in the way of taking care of her if she was in a reasonable distance to all of you. If neither of them can offer any kind of help, then find a place close to you and tell them you cannot do the 24/7 job alone.

If finances allow, could 24/7 care be paid for if she did live in your home? That could be an option and you would be free to carry on with things you planned for retirement life. Financial situation is going to determine what kind of paid help you could get or type of facility she could live in. You might start the conversation there.

Simple: "NO." The more you try to explain and support your answer the less convincing it is. There will never be enough reasons for your sibs to take it on themselves as long as they think they might be able to bully you into it. If your reasons are enough for you, they are enough.

I am currently doing very little for my mother as my sisters and I decided that only one should go to Mom's during this crisis. Until I was completely free to do my gardening and run my life without those commitments, I had no idea how much stress a day or two with Mom each week added to my life. All of my sisters agree with me that we are glad we did not let Mom come and live with any of us. We are all in our late 60's/70's and it is more than enough stress to spend a day or two per week at Mom's house. At this point, I wish I had never been willing to "care" for my mother at all. I love visiting her, talking to her on the phone. I simply do not want the responsibility of her inabilities and her constantly deteriorating mind, body, and house. I wish that I had taken a few years between work and my own old age to do some travel, have some fun.

Be assured, if your Mom needs 24/7 care it is not possible for you or anyone else to do it alone. If she needs that kind of care she needs residential care, not an enslaved daughter. Say "No" and mean it.

Set mom up in a nice senior apt or assisted living facility. It was a lifesaver for me.

I almost thought that I wrote this post because I am in a very similar situation, so I wish you much luck!! My mother IS with me now and wants to go home, but with her mild dementia and this virus, it isnt possible yet. Her psych evaluations are on hold. I contacted an assisted living specialist and we talked about sending her to a facility because I am burnt out and my siblings are useless. I will have an uphill battle as they either want her at her home or with me as I dont "work." I do have a life, however, and this situation is making me angry and resentful. Mom is getting more and more impatient with the quarantine and sleeps and sulks a lot. I hope you can say "no" and not feel guilty and get hassled by your siblings and anyone else. I'm finding it harder and harder to control my emotions with her and I feel a confrontation coming on with family. I do not have POA, so I hope I can convince my siblings to see my perspective. Good luck to you! I feel your anguish. Apparently, there are a lot of people in our predicament.

One of my friends had to relocate in 2019 from CA to NV. She had done distance POA for her 96-year-old mother for one year until she died at her CA facility.

Just say no. Hold your ground. If your heart and mind are unwilling to care for your mother full time, then it would be a mistake for you to do so because of pressure. Why can't your siblings care for her? How come you were nominated? You live an hour away. Moving your mother in with you would necessiitate a change in physicians, hospitals, hairdressers,churches, friends,family- all things familiar and comforting to her. So not only would you be dealing with a possible cognitive decline; you would be dealing with a definite adjustment. In my area, there is a program through the Y called s3nior shared housing. A senior is paired with a younger senior who needs housing. In return, the roommate helps with household chores. Maybe that would work for you. Or if your mother has funds, a caregiver could be hired. Or you all can chip in and hire a caregiver. Guilt is never a good motivator.

Seems like it time for a family discussions about your mom and her future needs. It is a family issue, not just your issue, to deal with. With your siblings and their spouses, discuss what types of care you mom needs now and types of care that may be required in the future. Each person should decide what he or she is able and willing to complete - without pressure. Tasks that do not have a "taker" may need to be farmed out to a paid person - independent caretaker or home health car aide through an agency or a residential facility. Every person should help in researching options and finding out your mom's resources through insurance, social security, medicare...

Has mom been diagnosed with dementia? If not, a doctor visit is the next step.

Does mom have have will, Powers of Attorney (medical and financial), and living will or Do Not Resuscitate documents? If not, then a trip to a family lawyer is required.

It is initially a lot of work, but eventually it becomes more manageable.

Couldn't she stay with you and get caregivers?
I mean mom's sacrifice so much themselves raising kids.

This is an easy one. Say NO.

What's hard is the guilt you may feel about saying no. You need to recognize you are placing this pressure on yourself. If mom has assets or income to support it, it's time for assisted living. If she doesn't have the finances, contact your county's office on services for the aging. See what day programs are available for social engagement (once the covid nightmare is manageable). Are there waivers available for some daily home care? There are likely a lot of programs you don't know about. Explore them.

But, first decide that your mom is NOT going to move in with you. Your siblings 'can't' take her in and neither can you.

Momsgoto,
It seems to me that having Mom move in with you doesn't truly solve everything.
You say she does "ok" right now, however, you are seeing her mental decline.
You work fulltime. And sibs are unable to care for her.
Is Mom able to afford an in home caregiver?
Eventually Mom will reach the point that she is unable to safely be alone.
Most of us on this site understand how painful these decisions are.
You have to make the decision that you can live with!
You want Mom to be safe and well cared for, but you don't want to be resentful either.
Hang in there!
God bless!!

I would not give too many reasons for your answer. No, that won't work for me. No, I can't. No, Mom, we'll have to think of something else.

Whenever I offer a reason for saying no, I end up having to justify the decision over and over. I have learned that No is a complete sentence. Say No.

My husband's family has a habit of speaking indirectly. I have found it helpful to restate what they are saying "Are you saying I should be doing more to help with Mom?" "Are you saying we should visit more often?" I find it very helpful to make sure that I am interpreting the indirect comments properly and not receiving the wrong messages. It also brings the issue front and center so I can clearly communicate with them. I don't understand talking in hints. So much miscommunication can go on.

You've had a lot of good advice and need to go with your own gut instincts about taking on this herculean task. I chose not to. My brothers considered it when they found out what it costs, but never went beyond stating it once...

The best you can hope for is that they will work with you in finding the best solution for your mother's care. Just hinting or saying you should do it, what makes it better for you than them? Just because you might be a bit younger and almost done with full time employment? Not a good reason.

Do also work on getting everything needed in order - POAs, will, trust for assets, etc and research all the options. Every facility and every EC attorney will have different costs and offerings, so you'll have to research a lot while making plans! As noted in some of my responses to others, even the non-hands-on care takes a lot of time and effort, but you can remain your mother's daughter AND advocate for her without taking on the 24/7 care!

Do keep in mind that your mother will not likely stay in her current state of dementia and needs. This could and likely will get worse. You need to plan for this and make the best decision now to include this in your decision making re: placement. It would be more disruptive to her and you to have to move her acutely.
I share as have been there. Adjustment now is better for your mother and this does not mean not being involved.
My best to you and your mother.