How do I say no?

It's hard to say "No" when you are the, perhaps, obvious choice, but you still need to.

I think meeting with your siblings to put the subject of mum's increasing needs and care on the table is a good idea, so the hints can be openly voiced, options discussed and duties shared, as appropriate. I made it clear for years that I would not take my mother into my home. I did agree to be POA financial and medical which is something that needs to be discussed with your mum and sibs. If she is in early dementia she can still appoint a POA. That needs to be done asap.

When mum pressures you about moving to your home, gently answer that you love her and will always see that she is looked after. She is probably sensing her own decline and needs reassurance that her offspring will care for her.

You and your sibs need to discuss and look into suitable facilities, financial resources (medicaid application if there aren't any), and evaluation of your mum's dementia. She needs to have a needs assessment so you know what type of facility she would fit into.

"How can I say no and have them understand that I just don’t want to be tied down to a 93 year old person with dementia just when I can start living my life."

You can say no even if they don't understand. That they understand is not necessary. It would be nice and might help cooperation, but it is not necessary. You say it will not go down well with your sibs. You are not alone. Many here have critical sibs, who, on the other hand will not lift a finger to help. We get a tougher skin, look after ourselves and look after our parent as works for us. Having POA and being a supportive daughter is still a lot of work.

Stay firm, don't explain, state what you are prepared and not prepared to do, don't expect understanding. If you get it great. If not, oh well.

I was POA from a distance - physically and emotionally. Both my mother was and my sister is a handful, to say the least. Mother finally passed in 2018 aged 106 in a nursing home, having been first in assisted living. I was 80 at the time. You are wise to plan for some enjoyment in your retirement. I managed to have some trips and new experiences even though I was POA and aging myself.

Please come back and let us know how you are and how things are going. ((((((hugs))))))

One of the best things I ever learned was that I don’t owe others an explanation for my decisions. As a fully formed grown up I have a right to my decisions and don’t have to justify, explain, or defend. Please give yourself this freedom. Ignore all talk of your mother living with you and when you’re directly asked, say it won’t be possible. No discussions of why, but you can offer to help her find a suitable place to go or help in her own home. It’s one of the joys of being an adult, we get to decide! I wish you the best

Hello - it seems like you feel guilty a little for not wanting your mom in your house. Understandable. But you aren't obligated. It also seems like you might have difficulty being direct "no".

From someone who had lots of therapy to say "no" - you can start the conversation politely "what options should we consider for mom's future care?" with your siblings. if they nominate you - politely decline "no, i am not able to do that, her care needs are beyond my ability and will only increase" and do not explain more. Any argument about wanting leisure time, etc will be railroaded by siblings. The explanation is that mom needs more care than you can provide - so the conversation needs to be around where will she get that care - what type of living arrangement. (assisted living, etc)

An arrangement that does not depend on you to spend 24/7 or significant time being hands on. You will have involvement in her care as will your siblings. But you will not be providing the hands on care.

Well, I don't think you should have to explain the 'whys' to your siblings. It just won't work for you, PERIOD. You don't need justification, you don't need reasons or excuses.............you just can't do it. I would never in a million years care for my 93 y/o mother in my home! No two ways about it. She lives in Memory Care and it's always something over THERE. I can't even imagine what it would be like over HERE! On Monday she had a 'huge corn' on her pinkie toe that was KILLING HER. When the nurse came and saw absolutely nothing whatsoever on her toe, she suddenly let go of that story. On Wednesday, she was 'throwing up and throwing up and throwing up' and had to use a plastic 'puke bucket' all day, but meanwhile, she was REALLY having some acid reflux and regurgitating about a teaspoon of fluid. Her doctor comes into the ALF once a week which is a GODSEND. Being wheelchair bound, there's no way I could possibly get her back & forth to a doctor's office, especially for fabricated problems. And that is just ONE tiny detail out of 1,000 details to deal with on an ongoing basis at home. Let's face it.

My cousin who lives in Staten Island NY is fond of telling my mother she'd LOVE to have her come live with HER!! Um, then why hasn't she come to get her yet, after being in Assisted Living for 6 years now? You know why? Because talk is cheap, that's why. It sounds good for my cousin to make those noises but not mean a word of it. It's very very difficult to care for a demented elder inside of one's home. And, at your age (and my age), we should NOT have to be doing it! It's just too much, the incontinence issue alone.

Remember: it doesn't have to 'go down well' with your siblings that you are not taking your mother into your home. If they don't like it, too bad. See about getting her placed in Memory Care Assisted Living, or into Skilled Nursing with Medicaid. And if that doesn't work for your siblings, THEY can take her in their home, regardless of their reasons why they can't.

Best of luck!

No. No. No.

I couldn't possibly do that. No

No.

No.

No.

Mom needs more care, there are some lovely facilities that provide 24/7 care for people that have that need. How about all 3 of us pick 2 that we really feel will meet mother's needs and work together to pick the best one.

Live with me? No.

Quite frankly they both could care for mom, you just have been chosen by them for this. It makes it easier for them. Don't buy into their wants. This is your life and you need to stand up for yourself and not be browbeat into doing something that you don't want to do.

It takes a village to care for an adult that can no longer care for themselves. You are not a village.

How do you say no?

"I'm physically and mentally unable to care for mom in my house 24/7."
"Mom's needs exceed my ability to care."
"If one of you (dear brother and sister) want to do it, go ahead."
"I work full-time. I can only help mom with xyz, for __ hours __ days a week. Someone else has to help her with the rest of her needs"
"Mom is incontinent, which of you wants to clean her lady parts, cuz I don't."

I have to agree. Undertaking caretaking when you are ready, willing and able is hard enough; going into it because you're being guilted into it is a recipe for disaster. Is there any reason why mom can't go into assisted living if she needs help? I think you should tell everyone, gently but firmly, no, this is not a job you are willing to do. You deserve to have a life, too.

You are not saying no to helping your mom. You are saying no to shouldering the total complete burden of her care. That is what you need to tell your siblings. Of course, your siblings don't like your honesty but it is not their lives that will change if your mom moves in your home. Yes-they want you to take her. Caring for an aging parent will quickly consume your life. Incontinence and dementia are not easy to deal with and will get worse. I agree with FloridaDD look around your community for care options, consult an attorney for Medicare availability. Do these things before it reaches a crisis situation.

To quote my sister in law (who loved my mom dearly) "well, I always thought mom would come live with us, but with this dementia thing and the delusions, no, not happening".

Dementia is a one way street. It does not get better. But it IS better to get someone with early dementia into a facility while they still have some skills that will allow them to adjust.

You are perfectly justified in saying that moving in with you is not the best care plan for mom. She needs professionals, not tired and retired children, caring for her.

I have to agree with the comments suggesting that you just say no. Although a lot of people will disagree with your decision, and disagree with this post, we personally had to make this decision a long time ago and it was the right thing to do. The people who condemned us have moved on. My mother-in-law was fine mentally, but physically was giving out. We were under pressure to take her in by her friends and church. But, these people knew only the woman she wanted them to see, and not the woman we knew her to be. All of the children knew what would happen to their lives and their marriages if one of us decided to take her in. I knew this woman for over 40 years and I could go into detail about what problems she caused through our married life, but I'll let my husband's 3 other siblings multiple failed marriages speak for that. She was intrusive and manipulative, a thing my husband recognized around our third year of marriage, and he was the only one who was able to distance himself from her manipulations and handle her in a way that allowed us to remain part of the "family" but immune to her attacks. But, we also recognized that living with these attacks 24/7 would wear on us, and we know better than to invite this into our home when there are workable alternatives. Every family situation is different, and you have to decide for yourself. Making sure your mother is safe and cared for, in my opinion, is your responsibility, be it at her home with caregivers, in a nursing home, etc. Being pressured by outsiders who could never know your actual situation will always be an issue, but go with your gut and don't let other people guilt you into doing something you are going to regret. Yes, their comments and snubs will hurt and be hard to take, but you don't owe anybody any explanation for your decisions, you have to do what is right for you. We made this decision 8 years ago, and still get asked why we didn't you let her move in with us, but we just say "we made the decision that was right for Mom and the family." Good luck! Stay strong, and know there are those of us who completely understand and have made the same hard decisions and lived through it.