How do I refuse in-law’s moving in with us? We have a handicap apt that my mom used, but I had a nervous breakdown when Mom was here.

I'm going to take this in a little bit of a different direction.

Are the hints about you in-laws moving in coming from them, or your SIL? Could it be that she's burnt out? Is your hubby doing anything to support his sister? Maybe her looking to bring MIL over to shower is a way of trying to engage HIM in helping with the caregiving?

I am not advocating you have them move in with you, mind you. I think what you need to tell your husband is he and his sister need to sit down and have a frank, honest conversation with each other on what each of them is willing to do with caregiving - and not just today, but down the road as MIL and FIL need further help - and then stand together as a united front to explain to FIL/MIL what they are and are not willing to do, and then form a plan from there. The plan doesn't have to be they live with either you or your SIL. But its not really fair for your SIL to be the bearer of this news all by herself, she should have the support of her brother.

Netty, in my community there is an independent living/AL that allows the public to book their bathing facilities. Perhaps you can check if there is something similar in your community and next time your sil calls asking to bring her mother over for a shower, you can pass along the information.

I am facing a similar, but different situation. My son in finally in a locked mental health ward, hopefully he will have a diagnosis, medication and follow up support when he is discharged. But I have made it clear to the SW in the hospital that he cannot live with me.

You need to be open with the family but also firm in your resolve. Actually let me rephrase that. Your husband, has to step up and clearly state to his parents and sister, that do to the toll of your mother living in your home, the two of you have decided that you will not consider anyone, including his parents living in the apartment. No further explanation, nor discussion is needed.

He needs to make this very clear, so his parents can look for other options.

There is no shame in looking after yourself, there should be no guilt in saying No.

NettyIR2,

You refuse it any and every way you can think of to prevent another caregiver situation that you do not want to be in.
Do whatever you have to do to make sure you don't become your FIL's caregiver. Put guilt and shame of saying no as far out of your mind as you can. Maybe you will get some backlash from family members for refusing to take him in, maybe you won't. If you do it's better to deal with that then to be forced to take on another caregiver situation that you don't want.
Family members that guilt-trip or chastise other family members when they refuse to willingly become an elder caregiver usually do so because they don't want it put on themselves and fear being judged and blamed by others if the elder gets placed in facility care. Don't let yourself fall into the trap family often sets when they don't want the situation themselves.
Say no and absolutely refuse if you don't want to take it on.

My almost 90 year old mom ask me just about every day for 2 1/2 years to move in with my 74 almost 75 year old husband and I (57 almost 58). I have told her no countless times. I have learned to cope but when I am really tired of all of this. I am an only child. My mother is physically fine with no signs of memory loss. She has high anxiety and depression but will not take any medication. She is miserable with her life and she tells me daily. I try to maintain my positive words with her but sometimes I just blow my top. I will not burden my husband with all the details but when he sees her, he says she looks great and that everything looks like normal. I told him only my mother, me, and God only know the whole truth about this situation. Sometimes it is just necessary to talk to someone but I don't have any contemporaries having this issue. I will not do anything to hinder my marriage with all of this. I visit my mother every other day to spend some time today. It is not quality time because all she does is complain. I have shed alot of tears these 2 1/2 years. She can't cry. Just needing someone to share this with. Good luck to prayers to all of us.

I think I want to reframe what you are thinking of as "selfish".

It's called "self preservation" or self interest.

Selfish means that you won't share what it costs you nothing to share. Having your in-laws reside there will mean you are at their beck and call, will have no privacy and will have loud noise invading your space.

I think it is your in-laws who are selfish, expecting you to put your fragile health in danger on their account.

They are not without resources, they have 2 homes, for crying out loud.

As FIL ages, he will NOT be able to care for her without the assistance of AL.

Who has asked you to let them move in? Your sister-in-law?

Is your H pressuring you to allow it?

Say NO over and over and over and over. If you want, research other options and suggest those. As for living with you, say NO, over and over and over. Then repeat NO, over and over and over. Get counseling for yourself as needed to say NO. Practice this with a friend in a role play scenario. Rehearse this as often as needed to prepare for this event. It will be much easier to do if the time comes if you have worked out how to do this in advance.

First can I ask where the pressure is coming from?
FIL? SIL? Family or cultural expectations?

Is your Husband for or against?

How is the request being communicated to you? Asked directly? Subtle hints? Assumptions? Rude demands?

Just trying to get a picture. To plan defence strategies.

A suggestion that might work.
If they currently have a house, they sell the house and can move into the apartment BUT they have to pay a current appropriate rent for the apartment.
They also have to pay for caregivers to come in to help when and if it is necessary.
Your husband can help when it is needed as well.
When you do shopping for your household you can offer to do shopping for them, they can give you a check, credit card or debit card to pay for their purchases.
When entering your home they knock just like any invited guest, they do not just barge in as if they live in your house.
Paying for the rent and all utilities and caregivers will help if down the road they need to apply for Medicaid.
This will also let your husband keep an eye on them and help out when they need it.
If you help out that is your decision.
And the added rent will help pay for any repairs that you need to make on the apartment or the house.
Make it clear that you can not physically and mentally care for them. And you can not be a daily caregiver.

AND with dementia often just having a handicap apartment or house is not enough it needs to be safe. Can she wander. Will she or he cause damage to the property? If either of these might happen then Memory Care might be a better option.

AND..since it is the FIL you seem to have more of a problem with what will become of him if MIL is placed in Memory Care or when she dies? Will he remain or will he move out and will your husband have his dad move after loosing his wife..my guess is not and you will be stuck with him!

Maybe the best option is Assisted Living so he can have help with her until she needs Memory Care and since he would be in the same building he could visit at any time and he would still have the help that he probably will need as well as the socialization that he will not get in an apartment.

Boy, I certainly made this as clear as mud for you!

It doesn't matter WHO they have living nearby.

You are allowed to say who lives in your home. No one is going to take care of YOUR health but you.

Say "regrettfully, I can't offer you housing here. What alternatives have you looked into?"

Recently, my son in-law's dad presumed that he could fly to our city and stay with his son and my daughter and toddler in their microscopic apartment. They said no. He was furious.

It didn't matter. If he wants to visit NYC, he needs to find himself an AirBnB or something similar. Don't let Fear, Obligation and Guilt rule and ruin your life.