How do I refuse in-law’s moving in with us? We have a handicap apt that my mom used, but I had a nervous breakdown when Mom was here.

The hardest word to use is “no”. The shortest complete sentence is “No”. Most of us need to learn to set boundaries….without feeling guilty

You have to be honest and straightforward with them should they ask.  If the husband gets to a point where he can't take care of his wife, that would indicate that she needs to be placed.  Why would it automatically be assumed that if he can no longer manage it that you could?  What are you going to be able to do that he can't?  You just have to say, no, I don't think that is a good idea.  Taking care of my own mother just about did me in and she needed less care.  Offer to help them look for a LTC facility.

Why did you bring up their daughter living nearby?  If they have two children, one male and one female, and they need assistance, it should fall on both their shoulders, not just the daughters.

No, you just say you are not a well woman and you cannot take in any others who need any kind of care whatsoever. You say you are not capable of that level of care for anyone, and that you are barely able to do things for yourself. Pretty sure you're a woman, everyone assumes we'll just take care of whoever, but we have to say no sometimes. You sit down with your husband, you tell him you cannot do this and won't allow them to come and live with you. They need to go where they can be taken care of 24/7 by professionals in a care setting. Say as time has gone by you've gotten worse and that's that.

Don't feel guilty. Period. Even if you didn't have a breakdown or conditions or what have you, you do not have to be a caretaker. It is not a job for one person in any event and will get worse as time goes on. Please remember you don't need to have a reason to say no to anyone for anything. Your desire to not do it is enough. But first get your husband involved, state your boundaries, and then have him deal with the in laws. Yes, even if you've always handled all of this type of thing, you have him deal with his parents. Period.

Imho, you must not let your MIL move in as your mental and physical health is at risk.

Say no.

Please...Do what is right for you.
You can say no and I urge you to set the boundary and say no.

It is a false expectation in our culture that we will lovingly care for our parents and our in laws regardless of their condition.

I said yes when my mother started letting her bill lapse, was leaving the stove on, and would forget my brother's name. I wrapped my arms around her life and moved her into our home. It has not been a picnic and has adversely affected our lives in many ways. Yes...it is a blessing to give care and love back to our parents. However, we are only human and there is so much to do..like prepare for our own aging and working on our own health and the maintenance of our lives. Mom has fallen 3 times in 5 years at my home. Every time is traumatic. Then it is usually a 3AM ride in an ambulance and then the doctors, the nurses, the medication lists etc. I am at the end of my rope and seriously looking at putting mom in a good place. We have lives too and need to live them.

At the end of the day it may come down to your health, which is as important as anyone else’s, or the bowing knowing the stress levels might return in full force. No guilt here, just taking care of number one. God knows we all can use a breather. Best of luck.

You are in the middle of a predicament ---and it looks like you are the kingpin. After you practice saying NO, have this conversation with your husband. What is his position on all of this? It would be wonderful if the two of you were on the same page. I hope you don't come off as the bully.
Then, have this same conversation with his sister (and her spouse) and set your hopes and boundaries for YOU-all.
Finally, have a family meeting with all of you. This is a family issue. Your MIL needs care, and your FIL really needs some relief.
There are many facilities where there is progressive care, from independent living all the way to Alzheimer's and Hospice.
Everyone needs some calmness. I hope you find some.

Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying, "No", over and over until it becomes second nature. I'm only being a little facetious, because the fact that you ask your question says that you don't want to do something and are looking for support. You don't need anyone's permission to do what is best for you. Now, some people may be truly selfish in everything they do, but you obviously are not that person.

There is an excellent book called, When People are Big and God is Small, and the theme is that you should not be afraid of what anyone thinks. Ultimately, you are only responsible to God and your conscience, and you should never base your decisions on what other people might think of you. It's your life, and you must learn to stand up for yourself. Giving in to what others think or want is a recipe for misery for you, and even for them. Take courage, and just say no!

As always, take care of yourself FIRST...you do one any good by being "brave" and taking on the family problems all alone. Obviousely the rest of the family finds it easier to let someone else take on their responsibility....

"I'm sorry but no." No explanation is needed. Let them think whatever they want, they are going to do that anyway. Simply tell the truth and take care of yourself. If you loose your mind I don't believe your in-laws will be able to glue you back together. There is no shame in self preservation.

You need to look out for yourself, you should not feel guilty about that. In laws can be difficult to deal with especially if you do not get along with them to begin with. Tell them and the rest of your husband's family that because of health reasons your doctor said you can not take on that kind of stress and stick to it. You don't have to tell them what health reasons your are talking about. Ask the sister if she is able to help she is in a better position that you are. Then you can check into assisted living places for them to live in. You can also call your county that you live in, Disability and Aging Resources Center to get help on dealing with their future living arrangements. They can give you advice on different facilities. If your in laws don't have the money for care some county or state facilities accept Medicaid. I am dealing with an elderly relative and I'm burned out and have had to have her move into an assisted living facility. Don't feel guilty this should not be put on you to take care of. Good luck.

Let them move in -- then get Power of Attorney. Then learn to lie well and often because sometimes that is what it takes to get them to an assisted living facility -- for example-- have an ambulance transport them to the ALF. And tell them they were responsible for burning down the house. So they will stay in this "hotel" and be served all meals and stay there until a new place is built or bought-- and it will not be soon. YES it is a white LIE but with dementia and Alzheimer's you cannot fight fair and it is not fair to anyone to fight fair. DO NOT TELL any one else in the family about this or any friends-- just do it. IT is either do what needs to be done or suffer the devil's wrath. And you will if you hold morals so high that you are a victim and not a victor. SO go ALF shopping NOW-- eat lunch there and get one with a good memory care. Make sure they have a full staff to keep your loved ones from falling, ending up with aneurysms, and ending up in worthless hospice "care" which ain't no care at all-- the lazybones.

Juse tell them exactly what you wrote here.

You are sorry but wouldn't be able to handle going thru it again.

Also let the daughter know this.

You can let them know that you would be happy to help out and give them an overnight or a few days break if they are going on vacation but they will have to make other arrangements than living with you.

Has anyone asked/talked about them living in the handicap apartment your mom had? Or are you anticipating this?

Based on your health issues - i would be surprised if anyone asked.

Why is "NO" not good enough? Is anyone pressuring you or are you doing this to yourself?

NO is a complete sentence and you do not need to explain. If pressed - "my doctor says absolutely not" end of story

Just politely but firmly explain that once was too much and you have no desire to repeat the experience again.
Besides, you have a daughter that is closer to you than I, so she would be better suited than I to help you.
Thank you for your respecting my decision it is greatly appreciated.

If he keeps on nagging you just politely explain that if he does not respect your decision about moving in then he would not respect the living arrangements. That would make it difficult and unpleasant for both of you.

If he keeps on nagging you just inform him that the telephone call is being recorded and if he does not stop immediately harassingly you, you will give the recording to a lawyer and the lawyer will be contacting the police. He can spend the rest of his time on this planet in a jail cell for harassment. Sometimes only tough love works.

Listen to Nancy Reagan "Just Say No."
Accept that you feel guilty and shame.
Then get into therapy to deal with these strong negative emotions. They are deep rooted and require focused tenacity to dive in and through.
You might initially ask yourself:
How much do I care about MYself and the quality of MY own life?
Do I put others' needs before my own? If yes, consider "Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?"
It is NOT easy to change how we think of our self and if/how we love and/or respect our self. These are life-long patterns of behavior (and mental "I'm not good enough" - a message many of us get / got and carry with us). You will need to make a decision to allow yourself to FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE while being aware of your feelings (guilt, shame) and learn how to observe them without being attached to them. Watch them as an outside observer. Separating automatic behavior/thought patterns is one of the most difficult decisions we can make in our life. We do this when we are ready; when we know we deserve to be a whole person for our self first, then assist another as we can. Continuing to put an other's needs before our own translates into never knowing the essence of who we are.
BE BRAVE ! FEEL the shame and guilt. Observe it. Write it down. Then it will not be 'stuck' and you will feel other ways. Feelings want to move through, allow them to do what they need to do. You can do it.
Nancy may not have given the correct message in drug use (as addictions are extremely complicated and require more than Just Say No, however in this case, she is right. JUST SAY NO then start working on your (inner) self and build up your self-esteem.
DO READ RESPONSE FROM DEMI53 . . .
Heed her experience and be forewarned. . .

You mention at the end about a daughter who lives nearby. In all due respect, it sounds like you are a martyr:
One definition:
"In psychology a person who has a martyr complex, sometimes associated with the term "victim complex", desires the feeling of being a martyr for their own sake, seeking out suffering or persecution because it either feeds a psychical need or a desire to avoid responsibility."

Tell him you can rent the room as a AirB&B and make lots and lots of money to take everyone on extended ocean cruise vacations.
Its perfectly okay to want to avoid this contract and all the stress you know it will put on you, your home, your family, your limited time living on this beautiful planet.
You're okay, kiddo😘

I struggle so much with my in-laws, they cause so much problem in my marriage. Let them figure it out. You come first, your health comes first. It’s different if they treat you nice but if they don’t, you come first.

Dear Nettylr2,
I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ 5 yrs ago next month. I've spent a lot of time on Agingcare learning as I started on my journey. Most recently, my Neuropsych exam says I am in Mid-Severe Dementia and need 24/7 care, was the Neuropsych Doctors' opinion. My Neurologist and PC both feel that it is not a correct diagnosis. Be that as it may, I'm still stuck with that moniker in my medical records.
I have told my DW that when I do required 24/7 care, I want her to put me in a facility at least a 100 mi from where we live. I don't want my family to feel they have to spend every waking moment visiting me in MC. We have two sons that are adults and starting to make lives for themselves. We also have a teenage special needs child. I believe my DW should be spending her time focusing in our daughter. I also want her to feel as though she can go ahead creating a new life for herself. Should that mean meeting someone she wants to date. I say go ahead. My DW is 8yrs younger than me and I think she should be able to enjoy life with another husband. I don't think she should have to be focused on me at a stage that I don't even know who she is. I know this is contrary to the way many people think, but I've thought this way since before I was ever advised I had dementia. She's been totally devoted to me and she's taken good care of our family through many health issues I've had with Sleep Apnea and at 40 being diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. My Ortho Doctor couldn't believe I hadn't been diagnosed with the M D when I was a child. I'd always been told I just had a high arch.
I know I come from different experiences, but my DW has been so good to me, I think she should be able to live life to the fullest. We've been together 27 yrs dating and 25 yrs married. Life could never have been any better than it is.
I have long thought since I was taught by my mother who was DON for a Catholic Skilled Nursing Faciility, and I've told my 3 adult children, two of them ours, and our Teenage daughter that I don't want them giving my DW any trouble. We've done all of the financial and legal planning that needs to be done. Recent circumstances now require a little tweaking to make some matters conform to changes in the law of our state.

In reply to "you did it for yours, now you MUST do it for mine" would be accepting his wife's second mental breakdown as part of the "deal". Time for new terms and new players. There are many ways to take care of someone, and in some cases the only way is to seek professional care.

Time to set boundaries. You are NOT obligated to have your relative living with you. Don't do it. You don't need more "trauma and drama" at your own house.

What does your husband say about this?

Even with a very cooperative and pleasant parent or in-law, there can be issues. My paternal grandmother used to spend winters with one of her children, of which there were several so they "rotated". One winter (1965-1966), she came to spend the winter with my parents, my sister and me. In her mid-80s, she was still lucid and ambulatory, and was one of the most considerate people one could expect to meet. She and my mother got along very well, and one particular memory I have is that one day my mother had given her a bath, and afterward my grandmother offered my mother $10 which she refused--my grandmother was so appreciative but my mother said she enjoyed being able to help her, and they both ended up crying about it and hugging each other. My grandmother stayed in our house the longest of any of her children, and we learned (from an uncle who lived near her) that she had said that was her most enjoyable winter.

This would seem a perfect situation, except for one thing--my grandmother was from the "old country" (and looked like a stereotypical "babushka") and she could speak only broken English, and quite often my mother (and my sister and I) could not grasp what she was trying to tell us, so sometimes my grandmother would just laugh, wave her hand and say "okay, okay". When my father came home, she might tell him and he would explain what she had said for us.

By the time it was well into spring and it was time for my grandmother to be taken back to her own home where she lived alone (with frequent visits and help from the nearby uncle), my mother had started developing some form of colitis that took quite a while to treat successfully. Some years later, my mother told me she thinks this happened due to the rather low-grade but constant stress of trying to communicate with someone all day when there was a language barrier (but of course she never mentioned this to anyone, and my father had been dead for a couple years when she told me).

I figure that if one is trying to deal with a parent or in-law with whom there is a personality clash, this would be MUCH more stressful, most likely leading to physical illness. I hope Netty keeps this in mind--having both her in-laws essentially moving in will not "end well".

I am the one that said yes. We packed up our house and moved 2800 miles to care for Mom and step dad. No one else would, not even the sister that lives only 5 miles away from them. They refused to move in with us. Yes, we are the suckers or fools that gave up our own retirement dreams of traveling in the RV we purchased which is now in storage. Dad died last August of cancer and we were here taking care of him and mom. Now she is left, and she's even worse now that he's gone. She is controlling, childish and very narcissistic. She has commandeered our retirement and apparently doesn't even appreciate the care. She blows up on a weekly basis, fights with my husband and pouts in her room refusing to eat whenever she's mad, which is quite often. She's disrespectful to me but treats the two sisters that DON'T care for her with love. She's very rude to us. Our marriage has suffered and we are pretty much stuck in the house except for when she's at dialysis. Four hours of freedom three days a week. You guys no doubt think we are complete fools for doing this, but some of us cannot deal with the guilt we would feel if we didn't. All I can say is it's a tough situation and everyone has to find their own way thru it. I know this answer doesn't help with what you're facing, but it sounds to me like you've already made your decision and simply want affirmation from others to proceed. You do have that ... because almost everyone agrees you're doing the right thing. No one will blame you for choosing your life, least of all someone like me. I wish daily I could have said no. Some of us just can't

Hello All.....
I could be that MIL. I was pretty much in the same situation five years ago but without a husband to help me out. Do NOT take "me" in please! I was 75 at that time and felt a bit desperate because my health went South fast all of a sudden. I "saw" all kinds of doom and gloom creeping into my future: woe is me whatever would I do? Face the truth of the situation honestly instead of throwing myself on my son is what I did. It's very easy for me, (seniors...MIL's in general) to panic instead of rationally thinking through a life situation with family. Sometimes elderly family members need to be brought kicking and screaming to the table to discuss these matters and to talk about what is possible and what is NOT. They have a say in family matters they don't have a "right."

Just talk to your husband. Surely he would not want to put more stress on you. Then ask husband to speak to his sister to see if she can take that part of their care if your FiL wants too.

It sounds like you need a family discussion, you, husband, sister in law and in-laws.
maybe they don’t want to move in and you are worried for nothing. You may want to get a mediator for the discussion. Have an agenda ready:
1) where would you like to live
2) what are your resources for decision on #1.
3) how much are you willing to pay/contribute to a family member to care for you in their home using an outside caregiver.

they may say they want to be with the daughter, then she will need to step up and help with the solution.

do your in laws have a church, you could invite their Pastor or someone from the church to speak with them on some options.

and last but surely not least, pray about it and ask God for guidance the right place for the best care for your in laws.

praying the outcome is good for your mental health. It’s the hardest thing to navigate.

Don't let guilt overrule your knowing you do not want another care taking situation in your home. If your in-laws need more care, you can help them choose a facility, but it does not need to be you.

Just curious, but what happens if she finds no 'united front' after seriously discussing having her mil and fil move in.? That both so and sil out vote her or decide to give it a try? I am asking due to my past experience with my (now) ex and all my in laws. My 'no' meant nothing. What does a person do? Divorce?