How do I refuse in-law’s moving in with us? We have a handicap apt that my mom used, but I had a nervous breakdown when Mom was here.

We also have a apartment above a second garage and I've had to learn to just say NO when someone asks if they can stay there. Sometimes, it's for a couple of weeks, sometimes a month, or sometimes a few days a week for a longer period of time. I realized that I don't want neighbors right next door which is why I live in the country! It took me a while but it finally hit me one day when I didn't want to come home because we had people in our apartment. And this doesn't even start to account for taking care of one or two elderly in-laws who will need help. So - regardless of the reason - it's still your home and property and you have every right to say NO and not feel guilty about it.

Talk to your husband and cement a united decision: the in-laws need help in planning their future needs and because you both have gone through this before it will not be in your care. It will be a care plan that not only addresses their immediate needs but also the inevitable life changes that only skilled care can provide.

I needed to read this my husband is saying no to moving my mom in. He’s right.

you need to talk to your spouse about how you feel and why

You have already answered your question.
You had a nervous breakdown and that was your mom.Being a full time caregiver is taxing and emotional.I have done it twice, and am currently for my father.If anyone were to ask me to do it again.I would politely decline.

You have to take care of yourself first.Let your husband,father in law,and sister in law figure it out.

stand your ground and say no. surely your hubby should care about YOUR health over his parents. its hard for sure, but truly if your hubby saw how things went with your own family member, and will YOU get stuck doing everything again, then it will happen all over. I would say that if they move in..........you are done helping with everything, do NOT feet guilty. and your hubby should realize that and insist that the MIL go into a NH or wherever. do they rent or own their own home? and just how long will it be before the FIL will need help...then what. sounds like you are being the "used floor mat" while everyone else is getting a free ride. sorry, just my opinion and I wish you luck.

Very easily! You just say you aren’t emotional stable to take care of anybody.

Some very rude questions that you shouldn't answer here ... Was "nervous breakdown" diagnosed by a therapist or psychiatrist? Did you develop a drinking or other substance problem? Were you medicated for a psychiatric disorder including depression? Were you hospitalized or unable to perform basic tasks? If any of those answers is "yes," I know this sounds ridiculous, but can you get a doctors note stating that you are unable to provide care? It's not your fault, every one knows you wish you could. In the end, you will be the one who needs the most care, and this time you may not survive it.

Part 2 of this is if it will destroy your marriage.

If none of these helps, you can seek out a therapist to discuss this issue with. The therapist may help you to set firm boundaries and say "no" to protect yourself, or may help you to heal from the past situation with your mom and resolve some of those feelings. I would guess you stuffed down a lot during that time. In short, you would get some support and perhaps end your sense of shame.

Whatever choice you make, know that there are no perfect decisions these days. Own your decision and love and forgive yourself. You deserve that.

And finally, if anything here seems unkind, I apologize, I did not mean it that way. Sending hugs!

I can tell by your having said you feel guilty and ashamed to say no, that you are a very caring and sensitive soul, so once they are under your roof it will be all the harder to say you need to leave. Please don't sacrifice your own health and well being. I thought I could handle it, and didn't mind, and still don't to some extent helping my parents, though it is reversed with me living under their roof. However, everything caught up with me last fall and I nearly died of an aortic dissection....So I am slowly grasping the concept of pacing myself and not being the "it" girl to meet every need or task. I pray I can take care of myself and not need others as I am getting older myself. If you move forward at least generate a plan including the daughter to spread the care out. Everyone needs to be able to count on some respite time.

First I’m not sure if you are thinking because they have a daughter living nearby this should fall on her or if you mention that because your hoping she would help out if they came to live with you but try not to get into the trap of where you feel she would figure in the equation. There are all kinds of considerations we can’t know about others and other households so transferring our beliefs on others is simply a recipient for disappointment and resentment. It’s not easy and seems obvious to us (maybe to her too but a different perspective) but if we aren’t walking in the other persons shoes we don’t really know what their limitations are and why.

I would suggest taking at least some of this off your shoulders. We are talking about your in-laws here so what does your husband think? He lived through your mother being there and what it did to you so have the two of you discussed what it might look like and wether or not the two of you can live through it again? I think I would approach this with an open but realistic mind rather than a decided closed mind that you won’t do it. For better or worse and however much he did or didn’t do to help with your mom her living there affected him too and he may be having the same or more reservations but like you feels guilty about it. Be supportive and seriously discuss this idea with your husband, the pluses and the minuses for you, your household and his parents. What does he expect from you and what is he prepared to take on, what are his parents going to accept from each of you both now and as they each decline, will they even be happiest there at your house or is this the best time to set them up somewhere else where unrelated professionals might be helping them. Then either let DH or you as a couple depending on circumstances, present what you as a couple can and can’t do and let his parents and or the family decide if it’s what’s best for them. Maybe the perfect resolve will come to light without you having to carry the load or feel guilty about it. Your experience is invaluable for your husbands family let them tap on it rather than you imposing it, if that makes sense. They are all lucky to have you.

As cherokeegrrl54 said on May 13, 2021:

"And always remember….NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE!!!!"

There is NO need for any explanation. None. Just NO. Not loud or sarcastic, just NO.

You stated "My husband knows how I feel & really doesn’t want to deal with the upcoming change in his parents living situation." so it sounds like he's got your back, at least for the discussion/hints about them moving in.

Also notgoodenough said:
"I think what you need to tell your husband is he and his sister need to sit down and have a frank, honest conversation with each other on what each of them is willing to do with caregiving - and not just today, but down the road as MIL and FIL need further help - and then stand together as a united front to explain to FIL/MIL what they are and are not willing to do, and then form a plan from there. The plan doesn't have to be they live with either you or your SIL. But its not really fair for your SIL to be the bearer of this news all by herself, she should have the support of her brother."

I haven't seen any indication that the in-laws are asking to move in, so that's a plus. If it is only the little hints from SIL, now is the time to squash that. Your husband and his sister *should* have that discussion, decide what each is willing AND not willing to do. There are plenty of options that are available for the care the ILs might need down the road. If/when the time comes that changes need to happen, hopefully they will be on board with each other and be able to present the options to FIL. IF he mentions the apartment, the answer should be the same: NO. No explanations necessary. Your options are A, B, C, whatever those options might be, but the apartment is NOT option D.

Suggestions about how to avoid the care-giving should the decision be made to let them move in is just a disaster in the making. All too often there are promises made that your husband and his sister will do all the work and little by little that is chipped away, getting you to do this little thing, then that, and the next thing you know, it's all on your plate. NO NO NO NO NO. Period. NO.

It is so antiquated for parents to expect their own children to be their caregivers.

It is even more unrealistic for an in-law to expect a daughter-in-law to be their caretaker.

This is your husband's problem, not yours.

Will he take care of his own mother, on his own, if she moves in???? if not, he can help his father make other plans, or he can choose to walk away.

Life is complicated for everyone young or old.

People should not have children because they want to grow their own elder-care nurse maids.

They should plan ahead or apply for medicaid, if they can not afford their own care.

I hear horror stories daily of people who blew their life savings on traveling extensively in their old age, yet, they expect their financially struggling children to bail them out in the end.

I also hear of men who spend their retirement savings on much younger lady friends only to have these women leave them when their is nothing left but a dried financial husk.

At that point they expect their children to care for them.

Don't let misplaced guilt force you into a position you are not financially or emotionally prepared to accept.

Explain that you can not possibly be a live-in caregiver to anybody. Explain that you had tired in the past and it severely undermined your health.

Offer other help that you are able to do for them.

Don't let anybody pressure you into doing more than you know you are capable of doing.

Unfortunately I can only see a paragraph of your story:
From reading other replies:
From what I am understanding you took care of your OWN mother? Because your are at home full time? This was your parent, so you felt responsible. Now your husband's father wants to move in? He is not your parent he is your husband's?
If this is going to happen let your husband take on the responsibility of taking care of him. It's ridiculous that you have to, he has a daughter, let her and your husband figure out how THEY are going to handle this, without you. Your husband should not expect you to take care of him. It does not make sense that you should have to take on this responsibility, it's not yours to take on. You need to say NO, I am not getting involved, I'm out, do not look on me to share in this, I will not. Your husband needs to realize how unreasonable a request this is.

IN MY OPINION ONLY
The apartment is off limits.
The only say your husband has should be: "I understand".


No one has the right to force this on you Netty.

It is not "as if" the people wanting something from you are bad. There is nothing wrong with having unoccupied housing on your property.

I have a new RV potty stored in my shed. There is no way anyone is going to use it just because it's there! It would fall on me to clean it, as if I need an excuse. Not ever!

You have a medical condition. If you had a heart condition nobody would question not taking in your in-laws. Simply tell whomever is advocating or suggesting that your in-laws move in that you are unable to offer the apartment. If they say “Well, your mother lived there,” you can respond with “Yes, she did and my health suffered severely because of it. I now know my limitations and I cannot do it.” You owe them no explanation about your health and they have no right to your private information. Simply tell them you are unable to help you in-laws. I would offer alternate suggestions like information on local ALs or foster care homes or home health agencies. You have no reason to feel guilty. You cannot be there for your own family if you are not well. Your own family is your priority—not your in-laws.

Netty,
Do not be ashamed to say "No".
Even "NO" to showering at your home.

I am reading that perhaps the whole "in-law" scene is stressful.
Maybe consider cutting back contact, even with Sil. Your dH can go visit them.

Try not sharing too much with Sil, what you have, what you are doing, not asking for advice. (you have your doctor).

Can you try that for awhile?

Well. You had a nervous breakdown when your mother was living in the adapted apartment, and presumably you quite liked her, and there was only one of her, and her being there didn't involve turning your house into Piccadilly Circus with Heaven knows what other friends-and-family turning up "only trying to help" at all hours. And your mother didn't actually have dementia to speak of.

So if anyone has given any thought at all to how on earth you're going to cope with your husband's family moving in on the territory... how do they see this going?

I'm guessing that they think, as FIL is the primary caregiver and SIL will be close at hand, you won't have such a workload on your hands and it won't be so stressful for you. Yes? Has the point been discussed at all?

There was a poster (many will remember Dorker) who's entire family were under a delusion that MIL moving to their guest bedroom would be a *nice* idea. The guest room, the 'Yellow Bedroom' became a symbol for me of just what boundaries can look like.

She had let her Mother stay before, so there was a precedent too - like the OP here. But, Mother was a fully functioning completely independent younger lady. MIL was older, had numerous medical issues (inc unstable CCF) very poor mobility, un-dx cog decline/dementia & regular incontinence. Not comparing apples with apples at all!

Family said it would be *nice* to help MIL, to take her in & look after her. When you whittled down which 'family' members would do the hands-on... whoa...silence...all busy working, raising kids, lived interstate. That left the ONE person (who wrote the saga out here). The one that already said no.

It was NOT a nice idea at all.. it was completely bonkers. *Magical Thinking*

I feel here for the OP is the same. Moving into their guest apt may look a *nice* idea on paper. But the reality is DH will work/hobbies/busy being a man, SIL will pop in & out. The OP lives there so it will get dropped on her - full force.

Do not let them in.

The OP is right to trust her instincts & has every right to say no.

Do not extend your hand with a crumb. Your hand will be bitten, your arm ripped off, then caged to become a servant. Harsh? Yes. But it happens.

You let your mom live there. How will your husband feel about not opening the apartment for his parents? There is a sibling that lives close, so talk to her. Maybe she and your hubby can take care of them at the apt. Father in law is healthy, so you could observe his care for her and when it's too much, let him continue to live there and m-i-l could go to facility care (unless they both want to go together). F-i-L would probably benefit from staying in the apartment with family close by until he can no longer live alone. I would at least talk to your husband and sis in law to get their thoughts on the matter. At that meeting you could let them know you already did the caregiver thing for your own mom and it's hard. You do not want to be the main caregiver again, so do they have a plan that is workable for 24-7 care as it is needed.

Netty, i think your psychiatrist is correct. Im sitting here in tears for you, hoping and praying your husband will take the bull by the horns and tell them they cannot live with yall, no way, no how.. your health is more important than them, your spouse should know this…..
i can literally feel the pain of your words coming through the comments….
please do what you need to, to take care of yourself……love and blessings….Liz

Imagine the worst thing that could happen if you just said outright ‘No you won’t be moving in with us’. Go on, imagine it. Then imagine how you would deal with the dreadful result. Shout and scream in your imagination. Tell them what you think of their behavior. Keep going. You can do it! Just practice – the first time you try it for real shouldn’t be an experiment.

Then tell yourself ‘The worst case outcome is not the most likely outcome’. I had that on a sign in front of my desk for about 4 years when our fraudulent neighbors were suing us for everything we had. It’s true – the actual outcome was not the worst we imagined, by a long way.

So now you know how to cope with the worst outcome, and you are clear that it’s likely to be easier than you thought. I can assure you that you will feel stronger about standing up for yourself – which is what you need to do. Be strong, be brave, be clever. Yours, Margaret

Just say no. If they argue, repeat it, increasing in volume each time.

I am so sorry that you are faced with this situation. It is an awkward position to be in. No one likes to be placed on the spot like this.

As far as your in laws are concerned, it is neither of their children’s responsibility to care for their parents.

Both children will have to tell their parents that they care about their welfare but will not do the ‘hands on’ caregiving in their homes. If their parents ask why, all they have to say is that it is huge responsibility and that they wish to remain being a son and daughter, instead of caregivers.

If they come back with, “We will hire someone to help.” You can say, “This space is now designated for our family and guests that visit from out of town. We never wish to have permanent residents in it.”

The family next door to me when I was growing up had an aunt, grandparents and great grandmother right down the street. One day the man next door said to his wife, “Let’s move, because they are all getting older and we will be the first ones that they call on for everything.” I suppose that there are pros and cons of living close to family. At first I thought that my neighbor was mean. The aunt, grandparents, and great grandmother always babysat their kids. I was young and didn’t have a clue about how being a caregiver would have interfered in their lives.

Anyway, they moved away to another state! They never had any family members living with them. Drastic solution but it worked for them!

I would tell SIL that you have been there, done that. That you will not care for your in laws or have them in your house. If you don't mind using BiPolar as an excuse, use it. My cousin suffers from this and calls me when is having anxiety. I don't know how you got thru caring for ur Mom.

These are your in laws so my question is .... where is your husband in all of this? Have you sat down and discussed this with him. If you mother is not living with you, I personally can't see why his parents should live with you particularly since you have already tried the caregiver route once and didn't like him. Hubby is going to have to man up to his Dad and tell him he and MIL can't live with you as he show him some of the lovely AL's that you've researched. And don't let Hubby get away with the "well, whatever you want" response to you (they love doing that). Tell him, "Fine! What I want is your parents not to live with us and I also want and expect you to tell them that." Don't back down and don't take his guff.

Nettylr2,
thank you for the response you gave me and given that info there is but 1 answer.
NO. That one word is a complete sentence.

You simply say "No, we couldn't possibly have this. I am sorry." Full stop, period and end of statement.
OR you can go ahead and let them run the show and have another nervous breakdown.
There is really very little in between, and if you cannot stand up for yourself I think no one else can do it for you. I know this sounds brutal, But that's the only answer. Not everything can be all tied up with a pretty bow. Some things just don't have a clean and neat "fixed" at the end of the day.I surely do wish you well.

One easy ‘out’ is to start a DIY reno of that apartment. Take apart some major features, like removing the bathroom cabinets. Move boxes and junk from your house into there for storage. Fill it up. Half paint a wall and leave drop clothes, brushes, paint rollers, and such sitting there with the project undone. Close and lock the door and don’t go back in. “Sorry, no one can live in it like this.” Never schedule any time or workers to finish the work.

Dear MIL & FIL, after having my folks living with us a while ago, I had a nervous breakdown due to the stress of the situation. Upon the advice & counseling of my psychiatrist, DH and I have made the decision to NEVER have anyone else living with us again. Ever. That decision has been made after very careful consideration of everyone's needs and feelings, and not without long discussions on the matter. Please know I love you very much, but have arrived at this decision for my own health and wellbeing which is very important. Please make other arrangements for your long term care and DH and I will be more than happy to support that decision and visit you as often as we can in your new location, should you decide to move to Assisted Living.

That's how you handle it. By being upfront and honest right from the get go, so there's no hinting around or cracks to sneak in through. I put my own foot down LONG ago about my decision that NOBODY would be moving in with me for care in their old age. Sorry not sorry. My mother and I have a relationship like gasoline and a match so living with her once was more than enough. I've done everything in my power to help my folks get set up in Independent Living, then Assisted Living, and now in Memory Care for my 94 year old mother with advanced dementia. I've stood my ground and it's been a very wise decision on my part. No shame in it, either. Why should there be? Elder care normally requires a TEAM of people working round the clock to ensure it's done properly. Not one or two old people struggling THEMSELVES to care for one or two much OLDER people who require constant care, attention and supervision. It's just common sense, really.

Best of luck standing your ground