How do I refuse in-law’s moving in with us? We have a handicap apt that my mom used, but I had a nervous breakdown when Mom was here.

As always, take care of yourself FIRST...you do one any good by being "brave" and taking on the family problems all alone. Obviousely the rest of the family finds it easier to let someone else take on their responsibility....

Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying, "No", over and over until it becomes second nature. I'm only being a little facetious, because the fact that you ask your question says that you don't want to do something and are looking for support. You don't need anyone's permission to do what is best for you. Now, some people may be truly selfish in everything they do, but you obviously are not that person.

There is an excellent book called, When People are Big and God is Small, and the theme is that you should not be afraid of what anyone thinks. Ultimately, you are only responsible to God and your conscience, and you should never base your decisions on what other people might think of you. It's your life, and you must learn to stand up for yourself. Giving in to what others think or want is a recipe for misery for you, and even for them. Take courage, and just say no!

You are in the middle of a predicament ---and it looks like you are the kingpin. After you practice saying NO, have this conversation with your husband. What is his position on all of this? It would be wonderful if the two of you were on the same page. I hope you don't come off as the bully.
Then, have this same conversation with his sister (and her spouse) and set your hopes and boundaries for YOU-all.
Finally, have a family meeting with all of you. This is a family issue. Your MIL needs care, and your FIL really needs some relief.
There are many facilities where there is progressive care, from independent living all the way to Alzheimer's and Hospice.
Everyone needs some calmness. I hope you find some.

At the end of the day it may come down to your health, which is as important as anyone else’s, or the bowing knowing the stress levels might return in full force. No guilt here, just taking care of number one. God knows we all can use a breather. Best of luck.

Please...Do what is right for you.
You can say no and I urge you to set the boundary and say no.

It is a false expectation in our culture that we will lovingly care for our parents and our in laws regardless of their condition.

I said yes when my mother started letting her bill lapse, was leaving the stove on, and would forget my brother's name. I wrapped my arms around her life and moved her into our home. It has not been a picnic and has adversely affected our lives in many ways. Yes...it is a blessing to give care and love back to our parents. However, we are only human and there is so much to do..like prepare for our own aging and working on our own health and the maintenance of our lives. Mom has fallen 3 times in 5 years at my home. Every time is traumatic. Then it is usually a 3AM ride in an ambulance and then the doctors, the nurses, the medication lists etc. I am at the end of my rope and seriously looking at putting mom in a good place. We have lives too and need to live them.

Say no.

Imho, you must not let your MIL move in as your mental and physical health is at risk.

No, you just say you are not a well woman and you cannot take in any others who need any kind of care whatsoever. You say you are not capable of that level of care for anyone, and that you are barely able to do things for yourself. Pretty sure you're a woman, everyone assumes we'll just take care of whoever, but we have to say no sometimes. You sit down with your husband, you tell him you cannot do this and won't allow them to come and live with you. They need to go where they can be taken care of 24/7 by professionals in a care setting. Say as time has gone by you've gotten worse and that's that.

Don't feel guilty. Period. Even if you didn't have a breakdown or conditions or what have you, you do not have to be a caretaker. It is not a job for one person in any event and will get worse as time goes on. Please remember you don't need to have a reason to say no to anyone for anything. Your desire to not do it is enough. But first get your husband involved, state your boundaries, and then have him deal with the in laws. Yes, even if you've always handled all of this type of thing, you have him deal with his parents. Period.

You have to be honest and straightforward with them should they ask.  If the husband gets to a point where he can't take care of his wife, that would indicate that she needs to be placed.  Why would it automatically be assumed that if he can no longer manage it that you could?  What are you going to be able to do that he can't?  You just have to say, no, I don't think that is a good idea.  Taking care of my own mother just about did me in and she needed less care.  Offer to help them look for a LTC facility.

Why did you bring up their daughter living nearby?  If they have two children, one male and one female, and they need assistance, it should fall on both their shoulders, not just the daughters.

The hardest word to use is “no”. The shortest complete sentence is “No”. Most of us need to learn to set boundaries….without feeling guilty