How do I refuse in-law’s moving in with us? We have a handicap apt that my mom used, but I had a nervous breakdown when Mom was here.

First I’m not sure if you are thinking because they have a daughter living nearby this should fall on her or if you mention that because your hoping she would help out if they came to live with you but try not to get into the trap of where you feel she would figure in the equation. There are all kinds of considerations we can’t know about others and other households so transferring our beliefs on others is simply a recipient for disappointment and resentment. It’s not easy and seems obvious to us (maybe to her too but a different perspective) but if we aren’t walking in the other persons shoes we don’t really know what their limitations are and why.

I would suggest taking at least some of this off your shoulders. We are talking about your in-laws here so what does your husband think? He lived through your mother being there and what it did to you so have the two of you discussed what it might look like and wether or not the two of you can live through it again? I think I would approach this with an open but realistic mind rather than a decided closed mind that you won’t do it. For better or worse and however much he did or didn’t do to help with your mom her living there affected him too and he may be having the same or more reservations but like you feels guilty about it. Be supportive and seriously discuss this idea with your husband, the pluses and the minuses for you, your household and his parents. What does he expect from you and what is he prepared to take on, what are his parents going to accept from each of you both now and as they each decline, will they even be happiest there at your house or is this the best time to set them up somewhere else where unrelated professionals might be helping them. Then either let DH or you as a couple depending on circumstances, present what you as a couple can and can’t do and let his parents and or the family decide if it’s what’s best for them. Maybe the perfect resolve will come to light without you having to carry the load or feel guilty about it. Your experience is invaluable for your husbands family let them tap on it rather than you imposing it, if that makes sense. They are all lucky to have you.

I can tell by your having said you feel guilty and ashamed to say no, that you are a very caring and sensitive soul, so once they are under your roof it will be all the harder to say you need to leave. Please don't sacrifice your own health and well being. I thought I could handle it, and didn't mind, and still don't to some extent helping my parents, though it is reversed with me living under their roof. However, everything caught up with me last fall and I nearly died of an aortic dissection....So I am slowly grasping the concept of pacing myself and not being the "it" girl to meet every need or task. I pray I can take care of myself and not need others as I am getting older myself. If you move forward at least generate a plan including the daughter to spread the care out. Everyone needs to be able to count on some respite time.

Some very rude questions that you shouldn't answer here ... Was "nervous breakdown" diagnosed by a therapist or psychiatrist? Did you develop a drinking or other substance problem? Were you medicated for a psychiatric disorder including depression? Were you hospitalized or unable to perform basic tasks? If any of those answers is "yes," I know this sounds ridiculous, but can you get a doctors note stating that you are unable to provide care? It's not your fault, every one knows you wish you could. In the end, you will be the one who needs the most care, and this time you may not survive it.

Part 2 of this is if it will destroy your marriage.

If none of these helps, you can seek out a therapist to discuss this issue with. The therapist may help you to set firm boundaries and say "no" to protect yourself, or may help you to heal from the past situation with your mom and resolve some of those feelings. I would guess you stuffed down a lot during that time. In short, you would get some support and perhaps end your sense of shame.

Whatever choice you make, know that there are no perfect decisions these days. Own your decision and love and forgive yourself. You deserve that.

And finally, if anything here seems unkind, I apologize, I did not mean it that way. Sending hugs!

Very easily! You just say you aren’t emotional stable to take care of anybody.

stand your ground and say no. surely your hubby should care about YOUR health over his parents. its hard for sure, but truly if your hubby saw how things went with your own family member, and will YOU get stuck doing everything again, then it will happen all over. I would say that if they move in..........you are done helping with everything, do NOT feet guilty. and your hubby should realize that and insist that the MIL go into a NH or wherever. do they rent or own their own home? and just how long will it be before the FIL will need help...then what. sounds like you are being the "used floor mat" while everyone else is getting a free ride. sorry, just my opinion and I wish you luck.

You have already answered your question.
You had a nervous breakdown and that was your mom.Being a full time caregiver is taxing and emotional.I have done it twice, and am currently for my father.If anyone were to ask me to do it again.I would politely decline.

You have to take care of yourself first.Let your husband,father in law,and sister in law figure it out.

you need to talk to your spouse about how you feel and why

I needed to read this my husband is saying no to moving my mom in. He’s right.

Talk to your husband and cement a united decision: the in-laws need help in planning their future needs and because you both have gone through this before it will not be in your care. It will be a care plan that not only addresses their immediate needs but also the inevitable life changes that only skilled care can provide.

We also have a apartment above a second garage and I've had to learn to just say NO when someone asks if they can stay there. Sometimes, it's for a couple of weeks, sometimes a month, or sometimes a few days a week for a longer period of time. I realized that I don't want neighbors right next door which is why I live in the country! It took me a while but it finally hit me one day when I didn't want to come home because we had people in our apartment. And this doesn't even start to account for taking care of one or two elderly in-laws who will need help. So - regardless of the reason - it's still your home and property and you have every right to say NO and not feel guilty about it.

Just curious, but what happens if she finds no 'united front' after seriously discussing having her mil and fil move in.? That both so and sil out vote her or decide to give it a try? I am asking due to my past experience with my (now) ex and all my in laws. My 'no' meant nothing. What does a person do? Divorce?

Don't let guilt overrule your knowing you do not want another care taking situation in your home. If your in-laws need more care, you can help them choose a facility, but it does not need to be you.

It sounds like you need a family discussion, you, husband, sister in law and in-laws.
maybe they don’t want to move in and you are worried for nothing. You may want to get a mediator for the discussion. Have an agenda ready:
1) where would you like to live
2) what are your resources for decision on #1.
3) how much are you willing to pay/contribute to a family member to care for you in their home using an outside caregiver.

they may say they want to be with the daughter, then she will need to step up and help with the solution.

do your in laws have a church, you could invite their Pastor or someone from the church to speak with them on some options.

and last but surely not least, pray about it and ask God for guidance the right place for the best care for your in laws.

praying the outcome is good for your mental health. It’s the hardest thing to navigate.

Just talk to your husband. Surely he would not want to put more stress on you. Then ask husband to speak to his sister to see if she can take that part of their care if your FiL wants too.

Hello All.....
I could be that MIL. I was pretty much in the same situation five years ago but without a husband to help me out. Do NOT take "me" in please! I was 75 at that time and felt a bit desperate because my health went South fast all of a sudden. I "saw" all kinds of doom and gloom creeping into my future: woe is me whatever would I do? Face the truth of the situation honestly instead of throwing myself on my son is what I did. It's very easy for me, (seniors...MIL's in general) to panic instead of rationally thinking through a life situation with family. Sometimes elderly family members need to be brought kicking and screaming to the table to discuss these matters and to talk about what is possible and what is NOT. They have a say in family matters they don't have a "right."

I am the one that said yes. We packed up our house and moved 2800 miles to care for Mom and step dad. No one else would, not even the sister that lives only 5 miles away from them. They refused to move in with us. Yes, we are the suckers or fools that gave up our own retirement dreams of traveling in the RV we purchased which is now in storage. Dad died last August of cancer and we were here taking care of him and mom. Now she is left, and she's even worse now that he's gone. She is controlling, childish and very narcissistic. She has commandeered our retirement and apparently doesn't even appreciate the care. She blows up on a weekly basis, fights with my husband and pouts in her room refusing to eat whenever she's mad, which is quite often. She's disrespectful to me but treats the two sisters that DON'T care for her with love. She's very rude to us. Our marriage has suffered and we are pretty much stuck in the house except for when she's at dialysis. Four hours of freedom three days a week. You guys no doubt think we are complete fools for doing this, but some of us cannot deal with the guilt we would feel if we didn't. All I can say is it's a tough situation and everyone has to find their own way thru it. I know this answer doesn't help with what you're facing, but it sounds to me like you've already made your decision and simply want affirmation from others to proceed. You do have that ... because almost everyone agrees you're doing the right thing. No one will blame you for choosing your life, least of all someone like me. I wish daily I could have said no. Some of us just can't

Even with a very cooperative and pleasant parent or in-law, there can be issues. My paternal grandmother used to spend winters with one of her children, of which there were several so they "rotated". One winter (1965-1966), she came to spend the winter with my parents, my sister and me. In her mid-80s, she was still lucid and ambulatory, and was one of the most considerate people one could expect to meet. She and my mother got along very well, and one particular memory I have is that one day my mother had given her a bath, and afterward my grandmother offered my mother $10 which she refused--my grandmother was so appreciative but my mother said she enjoyed being able to help her, and they both ended up crying about it and hugging each other. My grandmother stayed in our house the longest of any of her children, and we learned (from an uncle who lived near her) that she had said that was her most enjoyable winter.

This would seem a perfect situation, except for one thing--my grandmother was from the "old country" (and looked like a stereotypical "babushka") and she could speak only broken English, and quite often my mother (and my sister and I) could not grasp what she was trying to tell us, so sometimes my grandmother would just laugh, wave her hand and say "okay, okay". When my father came home, she might tell him and he would explain what she had said for us.

By the time it was well into spring and it was time for my grandmother to be taken back to her own home where she lived alone (with frequent visits and help from the nearby uncle), my mother had started developing some form of colitis that took quite a while to treat successfully. Some years later, my mother told me she thinks this happened due to the rather low-grade but constant stress of trying to communicate with someone all day when there was a language barrier (but of course she never mentioned this to anyone, and my father had been dead for a couple years when she told me).

I figure that if one is trying to deal with a parent or in-law with whom there is a personality clash, this would be MUCH more stressful, most likely leading to physical illness. I hope Netty keeps this in mind--having both her in-laws essentially moving in will not "end well".

What does your husband say about this?

Time to set boundaries. You are NOT obligated to have your relative living with you. Don't do it. You don't need more "trauma and drama" at your own house.

In reply to "you did it for yours, now you MUST do it for mine" would be accepting his wife's second mental breakdown as part of the "deal". Time for new terms and new players. There are many ways to take care of someone, and in some cases the only way is to seek professional care.

Dear Nettylr2,
I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ 5 yrs ago next month. I've spent a lot of time on Agingcare learning as I started on my journey. Most recently, my Neuropsych exam says I am in Mid-Severe Dementia and need 24/7 care, was the Neuropsych Doctors' opinion. My Neurologist and PC both feel that it is not a correct diagnosis. Be that as it may, I'm still stuck with that moniker in my medical records.
I have told my DW that when I do required 24/7 care, I want her to put me in a facility at least a 100 mi from where we live. I don't want my family to feel they have to spend every waking moment visiting me in MC. We have two sons that are adults and starting to make lives for themselves. We also have a teenage special needs child. I believe my DW should be spending her time focusing in our daughter. I also want her to feel as though she can go ahead creating a new life for herself. Should that mean meeting someone she wants to date. I say go ahead. My DW is 8yrs younger than me and I think she should be able to enjoy life with another husband. I don't think she should have to be focused on me at a stage that I don't even know who she is. I know this is contrary to the way many people think, but I've thought this way since before I was ever advised I had dementia. She's been totally devoted to me and she's taken good care of our family through many health issues I've had with Sleep Apnea and at 40 being diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. My Ortho Doctor couldn't believe I hadn't been diagnosed with the M D when I was a child. I'd always been told I just had a high arch.
I know I come from different experiences, but my DW has been so good to me, I think she should be able to live life to the fullest. We've been together 27 yrs dating and 25 yrs married. Life could never have been any better than it is.
I have long thought since I was taught by my mother who was DON for a Catholic Skilled Nursing Faciility, and I've told my 3 adult children, two of them ours, and our Teenage daughter that I don't want them giving my DW any trouble. We've done all of the financial and legal planning that needs to be done. Recent circumstances now require a little tweaking to make some matters conform to changes in the law of our state.

I struggle so much with my in-laws, they cause so much problem in my marriage. Let them figure it out. You come first, your health comes first. It’s different if they treat you nice but if they don’t, you come first.

Tell him you can rent the room as a AirB&B and make lots and lots of money to take everyone on extended ocean cruise vacations.
Its perfectly okay to want to avoid this contract and all the stress you know it will put on you, your home, your family, your limited time living on this beautiful planet.
You're okay, kiddo😘

Listen to Nancy Reagan "Just Say No."
Accept that you feel guilty and shame.
Then get into therapy to deal with these strong negative emotions. They are deep rooted and require focused tenacity to dive in and through.
You might initially ask yourself:
How much do I care about MYself and the quality of MY own life?
Do I put others' needs before my own? If yes, consider "Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?"
It is NOT easy to change how we think of our self and if/how we love and/or respect our self. These are life-long patterns of behavior (and mental "I'm not good enough" - a message many of us get / got and carry with us). You will need to make a decision to allow yourself to FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE while being aware of your feelings (guilt, shame) and learn how to observe them without being attached to them. Watch them as an outside observer. Separating automatic behavior/thought patterns is one of the most difficult decisions we can make in our life. We do this when we are ready; when we know we deserve to be a whole person for our self first, then assist another as we can. Continuing to put an other's needs before our own translates into never knowing the essence of who we are.
BE BRAVE ! FEEL the shame and guilt. Observe it. Write it down. Then it will not be 'stuck' and you will feel other ways. Feelings want to move through, allow them to do what they need to do. You can do it.
Nancy may not have given the correct message in drug use (as addictions are extremely complicated and require more than Just Say No, however in this case, she is right. JUST SAY NO then start working on your (inner) self and build up your self-esteem.
DO READ RESPONSE FROM DEMI53 . . .
Heed her experience and be forewarned. . .

You mention at the end about a daughter who lives nearby. In all due respect, it sounds like you are a martyr:
One definition:
"In psychology a person who has a martyr complex, sometimes associated with the term "victim complex", desires the feeling of being a martyr for their own sake, seeking out suffering or persecution because it either feeds a psychical need or a desire to avoid responsibility."

Just politely but firmly explain that once was too much and you have no desire to repeat the experience again.
Besides, you have a daughter that is closer to you than I, so she would be better suited than I to help you.
Thank you for your respecting my decision it is greatly appreciated.

If he keeps on nagging you just politely explain that if he does not respect your decision about moving in then he would not respect the living arrangements. That would make it difficult and unpleasant for both of you.

If he keeps on nagging you just inform him that the telephone call is being recorded and if he does not stop immediately harassingly you, you will give the recording to a lawyer and the lawyer will be contacting the police. He can spend the rest of his time on this planet in a jail cell for harassment. Sometimes only tough love works.

Has anyone asked/talked about them living in the handicap apartment your mom had? Or are you anticipating this?

Based on your health issues - i would be surprised if anyone asked.

Why is "NO" not good enough? Is anyone pressuring you or are you doing this to yourself?

NO is a complete sentence and you do not need to explain. If pressed - "my doctor says absolutely not" end of story

Juse tell them exactly what you wrote here.

You are sorry but wouldn't be able to handle going thru it again.

Also let the daughter know this.

You can let them know that you would be happy to help out and give them an overnight or a few days break if they are going on vacation but they will have to make other arrangements than living with you.

Let them move in -- then get Power of Attorney. Then learn to lie well and often because sometimes that is what it takes to get them to an assisted living facility -- for example-- have an ambulance transport them to the ALF. And tell them they were responsible for burning down the house. So they will stay in this "hotel" and be served all meals and stay there until a new place is built or bought-- and it will not be soon. YES it is a white LIE but with dementia and Alzheimer's you cannot fight fair and it is not fair to anyone to fight fair. DO NOT TELL any one else in the family about this or any friends-- just do it. IT is either do what needs to be done or suffer the devil's wrath. And you will if you hold morals so high that you are a victim and not a victor. SO go ALF shopping NOW-- eat lunch there and get one with a good memory care. Make sure they have a full staff to keep your loved ones from falling, ending up with aneurysms, and ending up in worthless hospice "care" which ain't no care at all-- the lazybones.

You need to look out for yourself, you should not feel guilty about that. In laws can be difficult to deal with especially if you do not get along with them to begin with. Tell them and the rest of your husband's family that because of health reasons your doctor said you can not take on that kind of stress and stick to it. You don't have to tell them what health reasons your are talking about. Ask the sister if she is able to help she is in a better position that you are. Then you can check into assisted living places for them to live in. You can also call your county that you live in, Disability and Aging Resources Center to get help on dealing with their future living arrangements. They can give you advice on different facilities. If your in laws don't have the money for care some county or state facilities accept Medicaid. I am dealing with an elderly relative and I'm burned out and have had to have her move into an assisted living facility. Don't feel guilty this should not be put on you to take care of. Good luck.

"I'm sorry but no." No explanation is needed. Let them think whatever they want, they are going to do that anyway. Simply tell the truth and take care of yourself. If you loose your mind I don't believe your in-laws will be able to glue you back together. There is no shame in self preservation.