My 86 y/o father lives with me, and recently he is not changing his depends or going to the bathroom. He has dementia, but I feel he has become lazy about it. He will go all day w/o changing until he soaks through his clothes and chair. The only time I can get him to change now, is when I dress him or put his pjs on him at night. If I ask him to use the bathroom or to change, he gets mad at me, yells and slaps me, and calls me the B word. I spend all day doing his laundry, washing his chair cover, and showering him because of this. The other day I caught him going to the bathroom off the front porch! I am at my wits end!

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Oh, hon. You can’t do this anymore. You’re both miserable. It’s no longer safe for either of you. It’s time for a facility— to help him AND you. He’s angry and violent and that’s no fun for him either. One or both of you will be hurt if this keeps up, and he is not going to get better or ‘outgrow’ this phase. You aren’t giving up on him; you’d be getting him the help he needs that you cannot.
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It may be time to think about placing dad in memory care now, especially if he's slapping you and calling you ugly names. If he's refusing to change his soiled briefs, he will be facing skin breakdowns, potential UTIs and other health conditions resulting from sitting in urine for extended periods of time. Dementia tends to become more than we can handle at home, and presents a big safety issue if they start wandering or cooking, etc. Please look into memory care facilities or Skilled Nursing Facilities in your area as a potential next step in your dad's care. You need to care for YOU in this process, too, and being abused is NOT okay, even when the cause is dementia.
Best of luck
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Your father has become violent and abusive. If someone calls the police if they witness your father urinating in public, it will not go well for you. It’s a distinct possibility that Adult Protective Services will be called on you. It’s time for you to find a facility for your father. There will be three shifts of caregiver around the clock to take care of him. Apply for Medicaid if you need to. There’s no shame or guilt in it. It’s what you both need.
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