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I'm hoping somebody can explain to me how I can get my mom placed in a Nursing Home if she refuses to go. There is one Nursing Home locally and that is not an option so the next closest place is 30 miles from here.


I was really wanting her doctor to put her in the hospital when she lost her ability to walk, then send her to long term from there, but her doctor sent her home. Her dementia seems to come and go, one day she can't dial the telephone but the next day she calls the bank and tells them to put more money in her account, then she's talking to somebody else and seems almost fine. Yesterday she forgot my name, but then remembered something I needed to do. Most often she can't remember what day it is or when appointments are. She gets her medication confused so I have to get it for her everyday and she really gets confused by her mail. I take care of her important business for her, yet she wants to see everything that came in the mail. It would be easier for me if she didn't see any of it, but she needs to read everything and then it can take hours to explain stuff to her.


The biggest problem is that she can't be left alone at all and the agency on aging has already told me that she can't be left alone. She might take too many pills or fall and seriously get hurt if left by herself. There's nobody who can take my place, I can only get a few hours of respite per week from an agency and that depends on their availability. I had a respite caregiver leave early and I came home to find my mom on the floor unable to get up. When I called to complain, they yelled at me and cussed me out because they said I was late getting back and the caregiver had to stay on schedule for another visit. Who would have been blamed if my mom would have died? I thought she told me she was there until 4pm but she had to leave at 3pm.


It feels selfish to say it's all about me, but that's what it's come down to, placing my mom in a Nursing Home for MY mental health. If she finds out she's going to a nursing home, she'll likely scream and become combative. I'll have to lie to her to get her in the car, then once she realizes they are taking her inside a nursing home, it won't be pretty.


I need to get this done fast because her Medicaid Waiver has scheduled renovations to be made to her bathroom and front entrance and I want to do this before work is started. I don't know what happens if the agency on aging selects a contractor and the contractor orders the materials but I don't have a timeline, just that the contractor would call me to let me know when they will be coming.


I think I've lost my ability to care how they fix the house, I just want to get by day by day until this is over. My big thing is Medicaid will be spending at least half the value of the house for the renovations. It's a small house and in order to widen the door, they will have to cut an opening in a perpendicular load bearing wall and the perpendicular load bearing wall will be about right in the middle of the new bathroom doorway. It's going to be possible to do this, but it's also going to be very expensive.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I hope you find a solution soon. I don’t know what else you can do.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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She even said "It's my house and I have the right to stay here until I die and you are here to take care of me so shut up and do what you are supposed to do"

Part 1: "It's my house and I have the right to stay here until I die" - correct.
Part 2: "and you are here to take care of me so shut up and do what you are supposed to do" - no longer correct. Now, incorrect. You are not here to take care of her from [date] because you will be starting a new job and returning to your own home.

So land your job, make arrangements to return to your home (it's still available, is it?) and inform your mother's social care team, whoever's involved, of that. Take it from there.

Your mother *does* have the right to make choices for herself. But not choices for you. That's the bit she needs to rethink, and can rethink with support from others. You're not doing anything dreadful to her by drawing a line.
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XenaJada Apr 7, 2021
This all sounds fine and good, but can't she be charged with abandonment if she leaves?
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The following Doctor was not afraid of his patient going ballistic!

I heard him tell his patient something like this (at yell volume, which is why I heard it);

Well here you again again. Fell again. I have TOLD you & TOLD you to pick out your nursing home. You are not safe to live alone anymore. You can't look after yourself. Not eating properly, dirty, falling. NO your family are NOT coming to do everything for you! You have worn them out with all your demands. Now I told you last time, pick out your Nursing Home or your family WILL. I will not sign off to send you home. You will be sent wherever your son has chosen. Goodbye & good luck (or maybe that was good riddance..)

The old guy yelled back.

He fought for his freedom. I give him credit for that. But apparently his house was a fire risk, vermin filled hoard & putting not just himself at risk as too unsanitary for home help & also impacting neighbours.

Outcome: Old man found not competent. Was transported to a Nursing Home.
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Reply to Beatty
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You wrote: "If she finds out she's going to a nursing home, she'll likely scream and become combative. I'll have to lie to her to get her in the car, then once she realizes they are taking her inside a nursing home, it won't be pretty".

So I take it that you haven't had any discussions with your mother on this subject? I think you owe it to her to be upfront about how difficult things are for you and how she will be better cared for in a facility (ideally of her choosing - she has to live there, after all).
I don't think you are being selfish or uncaring, but you can still approach this respectfully and find a common ground of understanding (if not an immediate result).
Due to the variability of your mother's cognition, be sensitive as to when you raise this with her - she may be more reasonable than you imagine. Just give her time to ponder your point of view and encourage open discussion.
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SGeorge24 Apr 6, 2021
If anyone even mentions "Nursing Home" or "Assisted Living" she goes ballistic. She actually demanded somebody leave her house and never come back because they mentioned the "N" word. She tells me "You know I don't want to go" "I won't go and nobody can make me" she's even told me to shut up. She even said "It's my house and I have the right to stay here until I die and you are here to take care of me so shut up and do what you are supposed to do"
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Ah. I should have read your earlier posts first.

So your mother was discharged home and with therapy was able to regain some mobility. You have been there as her full-time caregiver since ?February and receive the princely sum of $14 per hour for your support. Attempts have been made to provide your mother with what we in the UK call "a package of care" in addition, but the problem is logistics - you live too far away from town for any agency to get the workers to you for your full entitlement. So whatever anybody says, it ain't happening.

It sounds as if Medicaid and the Area Agency are making the assumption that you are willing to continue in your role (not unreasonably, if you've been going along with their proposals). So again I think I'd better ask: what has anyone asked or been told about whether that is possible?

Your willingness and ability to continue do matter, they're not going to be unsympathetic. If you went ahead on the basis that you would receive adequate support, and the reality is that that support cannot be provided, no one is going to blame you for saying you have tried and it is not working. Who can you talk to about this?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Who agreed to the adaptations to your mother's home - your mother or you?

I think you are half being given the runaround here, with your mother's Area Agency presenting their own special Catch-22. What it comes down to is this:

Your mother is of sound mind. She therefore decides where she lives. In THAT case, she is responsible for her own wellbeing, and it is up to *her* and not *you* to source whatever support services she needs, and she can't just decide that you're it. And although it might still be the case that she mustn't be left alone, you cannot be held responsible for making sure it doesn't happen.

Your mother is not of sound mind. She is therefore not able to make her own best interests decisions, including for example where she can be best cared for. In THAT case, either you - if you have the right kind of authority such as Durable Power of Attorney - or her local social care authorities such as APS must make those decisions for her, guided by her known habits and preferences.

Now then. In your conversations with the Area Agency and anyone else, have you discussed the option of residential care? What's been said about it?
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SGeorge24 Apr 7, 2021
My mom signed the papers. I tried to explain to her what they wanted to do but she said I didn't explain it to her correctly. Some of it was my mistake because I didn't realize how far they were going to have to move the door and how long the project was going to take. I mistakenly believed the project would take a day or two and I've now been informed it could take over a week.

Anyone who talks to my mom has a different opinion of her mind. They asked her some questions at the bank and she remembered what my grandma's maiden name was, I didn't even know the answer to that question but then she gets mixed up on what day it is and asks over and over when her doctor's appointment is. One minute she's looking forward to the lady from the home care agency coming by then the next minute she's complaining because they want to send her twice a week and my mom only wants her to come once a week.

Medicaid has countless offices with each office staffed with 1 to 5 people. My mom's caseworker approved her for 31 hours of home care but she said I have to contact a different office for residential care.
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You are living in Mother's home? If she can't safely live alone or arrange her own Aides then if you left she is 'up the creek' so to speak.

Tell Mother you need to go home. Go see her Doctor & tell inform him/her too. Ask for a Social Worker or other support professional to help with the transition.

I hope you have all the legal ducks..
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Reply to Beatty
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Do you have POA? That helps.

Write a list of concerns about your mom. Show the doc, or social worker. Document, or record things.
Tell them you can absolutely not take care of her.
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Reply to Lvnsm1826
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Has her doctor signed off on nursing home care? You cannot just decide to place her. If mom is cognizant, sounds like she is much of the time, she decides where and how she lives.

Do you live with her? Time to consider moving, let APS know, you just cannot do it any longer.
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