How do I get my Father (88) out of his depression when he has a bad day?

Give him a brake he's 88 I realize you are all trying but his time is short he knows it and you know it too yes you and all are doing good but he miss his life his family if you could set up vision call with his sisters that would be nice or go tape the places he misses sit with him if he plays brag about him ask him to play invite his group over take out the old photos and laugh at funny story's go fishing sit in the middle of a feid and have a picnic together if you have grand kids let him teach them how to play get a hot car and take him for a ride with the top down play cards loss every one loves to win your good please enjoy these end days together as a family

You have received some excellent responses, lkwjohnson, and as usual Carol is spot on.

I have a major depressive disorder, which is well managed right now. I'm repeating some of what others have said, from my own perspective:

1. Clinical depression is not a character flaw. It is a chemical flaw. This is not Dad's fault and it absolutely is not your fault.

2. Depression is treatable. I'm not sure if it is "curable" but treatment can often bring life back into balance.

3. An outsider cannot make someone not be depressed, but how you treat a depressed person can have a major impact on their perception and happiness. Really. You do have the power to make a difference! This is not your fault and not your responsibility, but it is an opportunity to promote healing. As many others have said, acknowledge the grain of truth in what they say. Arguing that the funeral went perfectly fine, for example, is not respectful of his reality. As he gets the depression managed he may look back and realize the funeral was OK. But that is something only he can do. Support him where he is at in this journey.

4. Exercise is great therapy! Not necessarily gym-type exercise, but moving the body -- vacuuming, raking, mowing, dancing to silly music. And, of course,walking! Don't nag, but encourage some movement if you can. "Let's walk over to the park and eat our sandwiches there."

5. Initiative is one of the first casualties of depression. I recall sitting on the couch and looking through the same magazine three times because it seemed too much trouble to walk across the room to get a newer one. This is where a friend or family member can provide an invaluable service. It's tricky because you don't want to nag, But when you have no initiative of your own, someone else's enthusiasm can be a great help. "You know what would perk up this room? Some of those awesome flowers growing along the fence. Where do you keep your bug spray? I'll go out with you and we'll get a great bouquet!"

6. Support from others can be extremely valuable. It works best, though, and has its best chance of success, as a supplement to medical intervention.

7. Treat all health issues promptly. A tooth-ache, sore feet, a persistent cough, constipation -- anything not right with the body can exacerbate depression.symptoms. Encourage good and prompt health care.

8. Accept that even in well-managed depression there are going to be some bad days. That is just the nature of the disease. Sometimes the cause is obvious -- the anniversary of a loved one's death, a new loss, even the dishwasher breaking down. And often the trigger is not obvious and it just seems to come out of nowhere. Don't panic. Having the occasional bad day is normal. It is when the bad days run into each other with no breaks and it is time to adjust the treatment plan.

It sounds like your family is doing many helpful things for Dad. Keep it up! Add professional care (if he is not getting it now.)

You did not cause this. Don't feel guilty! You can make a positive difference. Feel empowered!

You can no more talk someone out of depression than you could talk them out of having a cold. You can be loving, supportive, lend a listening ear, offer advice (if asked, doesn't sound like dad wants any)...just be there. As a person who has suffered MAJOR depression in life, for me, twice it required medication. That may be a good route to start with dad. Your dad also sounds like he has a "right" to feel what he feels. I know it is so hard to see someone you care about being sad and you can't do much. It IS hard to find out your kids don't want or need you in their lives...I have that going on too. DO ask your dad what YOU can DO to help him. Let him know he doesn't have to accept chronic depression as his lot in life. Men (sorry, guys) are often a lot more resistant to the idea of them having a "chemical imbalance" than women. My hubby was suffering panic attacks and he was referred to a psych dr. He would only go in to see this dr "under the radar"--so the dr agreed to see him on a cash only, no insurance involved basis (so his company wouldn't know). It was silly, but it was the only way to get him to see the dr. Hubby felt better knowing what was causing his distress and MUCH better knowing that there was basically no paper trail. Most GP's can handle treating depression, I chose to use a psychiatrist for mine, but that's me. If your dad is 88, he is likely VERY resistant to anything being "wrong" with him, emotionally/mentally. I wish you luck--you are obviously very caring towards him.

First don't scream back, it adds fuel to the fire. He is begging for his kids attention and misses his wife completely. My husband goes through this from time to time when his is frustrated it happen most. I tell him to calm by three deep breaths. When that don't work I calmly remind him of the wonderful things he still can do and point out a few he don't that day or the day before. Your dad needs to know you guys care, and that he did so well raising you, that you all have wonderful jobs. He knows how important doing a good job is, and providing for your family, he taught you that. That your there and you love him.

oh yah Freddynb...have to set bounderies!! With my dad, I just stopped talking to him and would not do ANYTHING for him...he had to fend for himself. He didn't like that and is stubborn as a rat!! He would not ask me for anything for 2 weeks at a time! lol Fine with me...no contact is better than fighting!! This aging deal is a PROCESS...nothing happens overnight...but, posting on this site...and reading answers will help you a LOT emotionally...and eventually you will have that divine intervention!

Just a thought!
Is it possible your Dad is deeply grieving all of the losses that have suddenly, like the proverbial chickens, "come home to roost'? It might be well to contact someone who is well trained in the process of grief to spend some time with your dad.

My dad is he same way. He refuses to go to the doctor to get checked for depression. In some people sadness turns to anger and this becomes difficult for family members and friends. My dad's social network has shrunk after he lost my mom since his prolonged grieving was accompanied by so much anger. He refused to try grief support or therapy or medication. In his view there is nothing wrong with him it is everyone that has a problem. I am the only sibling in town and like you I have him over almost every night for dinner and was getting all the angry rants. When they started to get directed at me, I got some counselling to help me cope. The advice I got was to put up a caring boundary with my dad and and tell him that he could no longer direct his anger towards me. It was not easy and provoked his anger even more at times,but I found a way to communicate with him that I no longer could tolerate his angry rants. I told him he was welcome to come and spend time with my family, but that he had to check his attitude before coming over. I let him know we were supportive of him and want to care for him,but the angry outbursts were too much. Things are much better now, it took a year but with the support of my husband we are able to have pleasant dinners with my dad. He still has the occasional angry rant, but I can tolerate it better and when it gets too much I let him know. Best wishes with your dad. Don't get racked with guilt, by coming to this site and seeking advice it shows that you care and are a good daughter. I hope you find a way to cope.

Replaying and judging old events is typical of depression at any age. One thing about the meds--most of them take 3-6 weeks to have an effect, it can be tricky to get them set up right.

Is he on meds for mental illness (depression or clinical depression)? If not, get him to a doctor who will prescribe these meds STAT. They will, quite literally, save his life!

Its great that you see him every day and take him places... kudos to you. If he lives alone he may need more frequent social interaction. If you can convince him to move to Assisted Living they can keep him as busy as he wants. Most resist but love it when they get there. It's like being on a cruise every day. There are also daycare programs for elderly, and I think some provide transportation.

try anti-depressants...

When a person is depressed only that person can get over it. Nothing you do or say will help. He has to help himself. He will just get worse if you try to reassure him that he is not looking at situations accurately etc.
Depression is the most painful disease there is. Each day the person faces a horrible world and cannot bring himself out of it. They become inervated and cannot pull themselves up. Have you talked to his physician about this. There are lots of medicines which may just help take the edge off. Unfortunately depressed people resent taking "happy" pills but it is necessary just like insulin is necessary if one has diabetes. His physician may prescribe something or recommend a psychiatrist or therapist. Sometimes caregivers need therapy or calming med also. He needs loving care and so do you. Luanne 30

Lack of dietary fat can affect mood in negative ways. Adding natural fats like butter, olive oil, coconut oil, and fish oil might help. If it's not convenient to use them in foods, fish oil and coconut oil are available in capsule form.

Also important for him to understand that, if diagnosed with depression, it's not a 'mental problem' but a 'chemical imbalance', and taking medication is no different than taking medication for your heart or cholesterol.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. If this is the case, see the primary care Physician or Psychiatrist.
It can also present as a situational event such as a death. Sometimes medication is required, in this case also. Sometimes medication is not required. (this is rare)
Allow the Physician or Psychiatrist or the RN, NURSE PRACTITIONER assigned to the individual to make the assessment. qualified to make the DX.

What you can do is to get the proper care, for all involved.

First of all, this is not your fault and we can’t make someone stop being depressed. You are right to be concerned and are doing what you can. So, try to ditch the guilt.

It seems to me that he has a "right" to his depression in that he's lost so much. As others have noted, he's only seeing the grain of truth - his truth. He's incapable of seeing the full picture. Whether this is a sign of dementia is hard to tell. It certainly does sound like depression.

Depression can sometimes be treated easily with medication - other times not. Medications are sadly limited in how they work so far and they aren’t right for many people, yet they do help a significant number of people so a doctor may want to consider this.

Whatever is wrong, he needs to see a doctor. His physical health needs to be checked, His medications need to be reviewed. His mental health should be evaluated.

I agree that a certain amount of agreeing with him is good. Even without dementia being present, someone with depression is not helped by people saying "oh, you don't have it so bad." For everyone's sake, it often helps to sympathize. But medical attention is needed to sort this out.

A geriatrician would be ideal as a starting point. If this aging specialist thinks that a psychiatrist and/or a neurologist is needed then you can move forward with that.

Read through this thread again and when you have time, browse other threads. There are wonderful people here with great wisdom. We'd love to have you keep us updated on how things are going.
Carol

Dear lkwjohnson,

When there is a dramatic, noticeable change in behavior, like the one you are describing, it is because something has really changed inside of your dad's head. His perceptions have changed. Here are some things to think about.

1. This is "normal," that is to say, it happens to a lot of people . Read, read, read on this site and you will see how common this is. Also, you will see that your dad is having a mild problem at this moment: other stories here are much more severe. But, beware, your dad's situation will not stay as it is today. It will get worse with time.

2. The first reaction and the easiest is anger. You feel that he is being unreasonable and ungrateful. He is--but he cannot help it. Something has changed. We all react first with anger and frustration and regret it later. So, skip that and go straight to a solution.

3. Get your dad to a geriatric doctor, as Windyridge suggested. You will save yourself a LOT of time, frustration and trouble, if you take your dad to a geriatric specialist. They are the only ones who really understand the disease of dementia and related diseases, and the medications that can help him. There are many levels and stages of intervention. For example, my mom's family doctor gave her meds but too little to have any impact and she became uncontrollably angry and meddlesome (she called the police on me!). She eventually needed to go to a senior behavioral clinic for ten days to have her meds straightened out. But her situation was worse than your dad's--similar in the paranoia but more extreme. On the right meds my mom is now a pussy cat and always happy to see me. She plays bridge daily and has a nice time.

4. If your dad refuses to go to the doctor, ignore him. Just take him and that is that. Tell him he is going out for ice cream and firs there is just one stop. This sort of lying is necessary and all part of the strategizing... You are not cheating or hurting him. You are looking out for his welfare.

5. As many will suggest, you can always turn to Assisted Living (AL) but try these other options. Try the correct medications first.

Good luck!

People often don't realize how limited their lives have become. Your Dad misses your Mom and needs other people in his life. Hook him up with a senior center, a volunteer visitor, a religious based social group. Does he have neighbors? I agree you need to agree with him. He has more needs than his kids can provide while he lives alone. What does he want to do to change his life? Ask him.

Rumination over past wrongs is the hallmark of some kinds of depression. Has your dad been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? This would be a smart move if you haven't had him seen previously.

Maye that is how he remembers your mothers funeral. If he is depressed, he is probably feeling sorry for himself and thinks nobody cares. He may have convinced himself that this is true. He might feel alone and sad. Try not to argue with him, antidepressants will help. I agree it might be dementia. He needs to see a Doctor.

What I meant to say is does he take anything for his Depression?

It's just a thought: you could try agreeing with him.

The thing is, what he says is *partly* true. A very small part, but there is a grain of truth. The problem is that from time to time that grain is all he can see. At times when he is down, he has things wildly out of perspective; but that is how he sees it, and the only way to change his point of view is to start out by sharing it.

Look at the situation from his perspective. Now a lot of the time there are plenty of people showing him that they do indeed care, very much, and helping him to continue with all of the activities he enjoys. But, life being what it is, there are other times when people are busy, or absent, or when things just go horribly horribly wrong - not from anyone's ill intent or culpable negligence, but because that's life. Things go pear-shaped. They just do.

Take the funeral as an example. It's one of those experiences when all you can do is close your eyes and wail internally: you might bitterly regret what happened, even if none of it was your fault, but even so there is nothing you can do to change or remedy the fact. All you can do is agree with your father that it was a terrible thing, and sit by him reflecting together. Then you can move him gently on, perhaps, to happier memories.

To help with the guilt that you feel, ask yourself whether a given accusation is true, and isolate what part of it is true, and look at whether you have in fact done anything wrong by action or omission (hint: probably not). E.g. the incident with your brother's not replying to your father's request, leading to your father's accusation that "none" of you care. The grain of truth in that accusation is that the lack of reply *could* mean that your brother didn't care enough about that request to respond to it. Now that is a very long way from "none" of you caring about him; but it is a possibility. Acknowledge it. Then point out that your brother's email was down and you hadn't been able to get hold of him yourself; or that you happened to know he was away attending to his in-laws' business; or whatever might be the perfectly valid reasons for his lack of response. Then further point out that the plan to visit the old places and see his sister is indeed on the family agenda and will be put into action very soon.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that your father's view of reality is distorted, but his feelings about his own reality are real and need to be accepted before they can be changed. It's hard, and it's sad, and it can drive you up the wall. But at the heart of it you know that your father is loved by his family, and attended to by them, and that's why it hurts you when he says these things. Which makes you a good child, not a bad one, who has every right to let go of the guilt.

Does dad live alone unassited? Has he shown any signs of dementia, memory loss, confused, can't reason with him about simple obvious issues? It certainly sounds like your family is very active in spending time with him. Most people at this age have few if any visitors.

Maybe you should try to get him tested for dementia. It can really sneak up on you. I didn't recognise it with my Dad for a couple years. Just thought he was being a poop head. You should also read about dementia and depression on this site. Lots of good info. You could be dealing with one or both issues.