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I have tried to tell him he would be closer to me, he would have his meals, his laundry done, ability to get to malls, 700sq foot end unit. He prefers to live in his condo til he dies, thinks he will get better. He has been diagnosed with mild/moderate (alcoholic) dementia, lost his license, and lost his wife in January this year. He won’t take any outside or in home help, relies on me to do finances, bring food, and lives eating cold food or microwaved food. With the Dementia he has no insight, is focused on one thing - getting his license back. He does not believe the diagnosis, saying the doctors are all in on it. Every time he is sick he plans the meds and goes off them. He gets difficult if you try to explain things. He says he has everything he needs right in his condo and can take care of himself. He’s been given a walker but rarely uses it. Don’t know what to do...it will get worse over time I know. He won’t go look or have lunch. I even asked him to bring his friend who is interested in retirement living now, but is not close to him. He has an answer for everything, but his answers leave him stuck where he is...and he is far from happy. It’s so hard on my brother and I.

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Thank you both. I so appreciate this forum. Your insights are so helpful and I don’t feel alone when everyone shares experiences and opinions. Thank you
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Eyerishlass, I remember one time when my Sig other had fallen down the stairs and was totally out of it, I called 911. My sig other refused to go to the hospital even though I had kept insisting. The EMT took the clue and he did an EKG.... then he told my sig other that he wasn't a doctor but the wave lines didn't look quite right. Right then and there my sig other got his coat and was ready to go to the hospital. The EMT did a "therapeutic fib" that worked !!

The fall did no injury but it turned out that Ambien didn't agree with sig other.... it made him go back into a deep sleep while he was walking down the stairs.
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When we are the ones who are taking care of our elderly parents they don't get to call the shots. We go out of our way, we interrupt our lives to help them. We do this when it's convenient for us, not when it's convenient and/or desired by them. We have to have boundaries. When someone is in a position of needing help that person can't dictate what kind of help they receive.

And I had the same thought as FreqFlyer about waiting for an emergency. i had to do this with my mom as she refused any help and refused to get out of bed except to hobble to the bathroom so I just waiting for her to fall, which I knew she would, and sure enough she did and was taken to the hospital. Once at the hospital she got the care she needed.

There's no use bugging your dad about assisted living. It just creates more stress for you and angers him. Let things go for now and be receptive to an emergency. It doesn't have to be a serious emergency. Even a little fall will do it. Don't be the one to pick him up from the floor. Call 911. But be aware: if your dad is lucid and can answer a few basic questions from the paramedics they won't take him to the hospital if he refuses to go.
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Kingsbridge, I had the same issue with my parents. They wouldn't even want to try the free lunch at the senior complex, which looked like a resort. They did look over the booklet that I had brought to them, and their answer was "maybe in a few years". Guess that meant when they were 100 they would consider... [sigh].

My Mom also refused caregivers. I tried, but she shooed them out on the 3rd day. Dad thought the caregivers were a good idea, but he and Mom would argue over this subject. Oh dear, Houston we have problem.

What many of us here on the forum had to do was to wait for a medical emergency. Where 911 is called, trip to the hospital, a stay in the hospital, a stay in Rehab, and then a transfer to either Assisted Living or a nursing home. I know it is a terrible wait, highly stressful, but that is pretty much all we can do. Or wait until the dementia gets to a point where a parent needs around the clock care.

And we also need to stop enabling our parent to continue their lifestyle while we change ours. Setting boundaries isn't easy. Like for groceries, I stopped spending a couple of hours in the grocery store and started ordering on-line. My Mom didn't like that idea, but she had no choice.
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