How do I convince my father it's a good idea to move in with me?


My dad is a fully functional 74 year old man. But in the past year, he has become so depressed, he is not taking care of himself or anything else. And I believe his cancer is back. My mom, the love of his life, passed away from cancer last year. I had a younger sister who was a bipolar drug addict. She had a son whom my parents have full custody of. 2 months ago, my sister died of an overdose. I'm doing everything in my power to try to take care of them, but with the condition my father is in, his health is getting worse and he won't take care of anything in the house. My nephew is also not getting the attention he needs. Its such a delicate situation, I feel that the best thing I could do is have them move in with me. I'm married with no kids and my husband feels like this could benefit all of us. I've talked with my dad and he just refuses to listen. I'm not sure what to do, because the situation keeps getting worse.

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What do CPS say? Because if this 11 year old isn't already on their radar he certainly should be.

It may be that they think further disruption in the boy's living situation at this point would make things worse, and they're giving it a certain amount of time to settle down. But if that's an accurate description of how your father is coping with his grandson's needs I wouldn't hesitate to kick up a fuss.

Would you and your husband be in a position to consider adopting your nephew?

I don't mean to ignore your father's needs, and I am terribly sorry for the two awful losses in your family. But your father is an adult, responsible for himself even if he is struggling and needs help - he can wait a bit. The little boy can't.
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I'm so sorry about your sister.

Your dad has lost his wife and one of his daughters. He's grieving. It might be too much for him now to think about making such a huge change such as moving in with you and your husband.

Your nephew is kind of caught up in the middle and is dealing with intense pain himself. Perhaps therapy might be a good idea for him. At age 11 he's very vulnerable. He's at an age where bad habits are right around the corner and he has a couple of great rationalizations for making bad choices.

Have you and your husband considered inviting your nephew to move in with you? It would be a huge change for all of you but your dad may not be up to the task of raising an 11 year old boy right now. Then, if things go OK, maybe you can revisit the topic of your dad moving in with you all once a little more time has gone by.

You and your husband sound like generous people. Try to scoop up that boy and give him some stability.
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I agree. Is there a way you can care for this child in your home, get him the therapy he needs? Your dad would benefit from being seen for a complete physical and an evaluation by a geriatric psychiatrist of his mental state. There may be depression, but there might also be some cognitive decline in play.
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I agree with cwille. You can help this boy immediately . Dad may be a tough case. The kid needs to be away from his gramps for a while.

Good luck with this. I lost a sister to drug abuse. She left two small boys. This is about the toughest stuff in the world to deal with.
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This child need some stability in his life. If you and your husband are willing I would focus on finding a way for him to stay with you - maybe temporarily, maybe not - and finding a separate solution for your father.
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Thank you so much for you advice. The whole situation is very delicate and I’m just trying to do what is best. My nephew is only 11 years old and I fear that this is having such a horrible affect on him. He’s very shy & quite, but I’m one of the few people he actually talks to. He’s terrified that everyone is going to die on him now. He’s become very nervous and he suffers from a mild form of turrets syndrome. From everything that has been happening, it has been flairing up and he’s functioning well in school. He’s flunking most of his classes. I had to go and speak with all his teachers because my dad never told any of them what has been going on! Now, they’re all working with him. I just feel like with my dad being in the state of mind that he is, he’s not giving my nephew the attention he needs. He’s also very self-centered about everything. He keeps saying how horrible it is that he had to suffer the loss of his wife and daughter. Like he’s the only one suffering. I have to keep pointing out that both me & my nephew are hurting too. Another big problem with the whole situation is I don’t think my dad can take me seriously because I am his daughter. He can’t see me as an adult. He always sees me as his little girl. So, anything I try to do or any advice I give falls on deaf ears. I’ve tried to have my aunt, who is my mother’s sister talk to him. He treats her the same as he does me. I don’t know if it’s because she’s young or what. I’m just try to find some way to get him to understand that I want to help. I don’t want him to have so much burden and I need to help my nephew. Especially since he doesn’t seem to notice or care what’s happening with him. Need to do something before the issues become too big & too out of control, because they’re heading that way.
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I'm trying to convince myself that it's a good idea for your father and your nephew to move in with you. It might be good temporarily, it might be good forever, and it might be detrimental to all involved. Is there some objective third party you could discuss this with?

Your father is grieving for his wife and his daughter. And so are you. Making long-term decisions under those circumstances can backfire. But clearly this dear man needs some help.

Your father won't take care of anything in the house. That is not an uncommon grief behavior. Have you tried helping him hire a house keeper to clean and do laundry? Having the house orderly at least once a week or so can really be good for mental outlook. Is there a need for lawn care? Could you help with that, and also involve him? "Hubby and I will be over this weekend. Hubby will clean the gutters and you and I (and Nephew?) can rake."

Are bills and financial responsibilities being neglected? Would Dad agree to appoint you DPOA and let you handle that?

Would he and your nephew come to dinner at your house once a week, and take plenty of left-overs home?

Since Dad "refuses to listen" to suggestions he move, I wonder if there aren't some less drastic ways you can support him through his period of bereavement.

How old is your nephew? That poor lad! A mother too impaired to nurture him, the death of his nurturing grandmother, then his mother's death, and now his grandfather's severe problems with day-to-day functioning. Is he in therapy?

On the practical side, what is your house like? Are there two extra bedrooms? Adequate bathrooms to accommodate more people? Do both you and your husband work outside the home? Is your nephew still in school? Would this move mean he changes school districts? Is he employed? How would the move effect that?
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