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My mother is 90. We’ve always had a super close relationship and I told her she could live with me if she ever needed to. About three years ago she told me she wanted to move in with me and she would remodel whatever would be necessary and pay for it since she would have money from selling her house in IL. She’s in a wheelchair with peripheral neuropathy. So we had to pull up our new carpet and put laminate down, widen the doors, make a full kitchen, bigger shower etc. etc. The plan was for her to live six months with me in Minnesota and six months with my brother in Florida. She had bought a mobile home and my brother lives across the street. In the last three months, her dementia has gotten really bad. She has called around and told everyone (even to my kids) that I have stolen from her and I forced her to pay $24K for the remodel. It actually cost 11 K. which at the time she was happy to pay for because she was going to be living there for a long time. Suddenly she decided she didn’t wanna live with me anymore and moved full-time to Florida. In Dec. my husband and I packed up all of her stuff and a 16 foot trailer and brought it to her.


Some of the things she doesn’t recognize and thinks I swapped them out, She wrote me a letter before we brought all of her stuff and told me I didn’t need to bring the full-size bed that I bought from her in IL and then when we arrived to Florida she didn’t thank us for bringing her stuff she yelled at me constantly and told everyone I swindled her out of her bed. So I spent $475 And freighted it to her. We went back to Minnesota and about a month later I went back again to see how she’s settled in and get her a doctors appointment etc. I have three brothers that helped her settle her in. When I left a couple weeks ago she has told everybody but me that I stole the sheets I slept on. She served me a sandwich and a fancy plate and I washed it and put it away and she thinks I stole that. So now she is calling my husband to talk to him and ask him to look for things that I stole. She also thinks I don’t want her to talk to him. I told her I would bring her on the trip to Paris and treat her. It’s going to be five days there and she usually does well with travel. I’m probably stupid to bring her but, I think it’s good for her to look forward to this big dream trip. We have been on many, many trips together.


She also thinks My daughter is a thief and tells everyone that. She missed placed some pajamas which we eventually found but that doesn’t matter she still think she’s a thief. My daughter would never steal from her. Again they were very close. My brother told me to have thicker skin. He gets yelled at all the time and she tells people that he ignores her and doesn’t help her and has stolen lots of things from her too. My sister-in-law who she’s always hated and despised for 40 years is now her best friend. When we were all together recently she constantly berated me and praised her. That didn’t bother me so much, but the idea of her lying about me and thinking I actually stole from her when I’ve only been kind and loving to her. My spirit is crushed. My heart is broken. Not sure what to do. Thank you for any advice you can give me. I’m new to this.

She just called me and very loving and told me to cancel Paris. She said her mind is so bad and she was crying a bit. So we aren’t going. Thank you for your input. I will stall if she calls me on another day and says she wants to go again.
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Most people providing they are level headed are not going to believe her. I doubt she can mask all her symptoms. She sounds unstable and I am sure that will come across. Maybe you could do just the vary bare minimum since you are being treated in such a manner. I know she has dementia. It is a sad reality it is causing such extreme verbal behavior and you are best as far away as possible. I think she would ruin any trip you take.
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jodall Feb 16, 2019
Thank you. She just called me this morning and was very loving and told me to cancel Paris. She said her mind is so bad and she was crying a bit. So we aren’t going. She said she can’t write a letter even are finish a sentence. When they go to the doctor soon they will tell the doctor how she has gotten worse and so quickly. Maybe they can get in sooner than her present two week appointment.
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Hugs to you. Remember that the things people say are a reflection of THEM, not you. That is always true, but I think especially so when dementia and other conditions are present. Sounds like it would be worth a doctor's visit if her condition is escalating - there could be something physical going on. If you have a constructive relationship with your siblings and their spouses it would be smart to sit down together or have a conference call to discuss and agree on a plan, including that you will all give eachother the benefit of the doubt and do nothing to encourage the baseless accusations and favoritism. It sounds like everyone is getting a turn under the bus so hopefully no one will try to take advantage or stoke the chaos. Lastly, if I was you the LAST thing I would think about is taking her to Paris, OMG! Keep your good memories of past trips and leave her home so you can enjoy the trip for heaven's sake. There is nothing to feel guilty about in that plan. It is not rational to travel with someone who is literally causing you pain and suffering. Set a good example for your daughter who is also being accused and say, with compassion, I love my mom but she is not herself and we need to leave her home. That is a healthy boundary. Take your daughter and have fun! Good luck,

Jane
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