I think I know the answer but perhaps there is hope? My grandma has always lived with us: my parents and 2 siblings. She pretty much raised us (me+sibling) and always gave me the nurture and comfort my mom has always lacked. She has been in my life for 32 years now, my age. She has 6 children (1 diseased) and 18 grandchildren. Even though she has lived with us she never not visited for long periods of time her other children and grand kids. She has been part of each an all of their milestone. I though we were the perfect close and loving family, boy was I wrong.
Present day my grandma is very sick. She receives dialysis 3 times a week, her dementia (Alzheimer) is worse. Often she is dazed and confused, a world of delirious state. There are more bad days than good ones. My mom, the care giver, hasn't had the patience with her and realistically doesn't do a good job taking care of her. Her bedding smells bad, her clothes smell bad, she needs bathing, and someone to actually clean her. My mom does cook for her, she also takes day off work to take her to her doctors appointments but it's not enough. I moved in last year and on my days off I have washed all her bedding, clothes, bathe my grandma, cook for her as well. When she uses the toilet I wipe her, I make her brush her teeth and wash her hands. I go to dialysis with her and spent all 4 hours there. It's not easy. If I can why can't she (my mom)? I do get frustrated and I also raise my voice and I instantly regret it. I am just so desperate. I am angry at my siblings, at my mom, my uncles, aunt and cousins for not stepping in more. All her grandchildren have forgotten her too. They stopped visiting a long time ago (when she got sick) and her children don't invite her out anymore and when they come visit it's only for a couple days/hours once or twice a year. One of my uncle thanked me for taking care of her but also reminded me that my caring for her is paying her back the time she spent with me.
My parents work full time and so do I. My mom is a hoarder and as much as I ask her to get rid of so many unnecessary things she won't. I was hoping for a hired in home caretaker but that won't be happening. I contacted a social worker to help me find a day care center while we're all out at work (she has fallen, she has left the oven on, she gets out the house so I got stressed out thinking I might find her dead one day). It was a long process but it's happening. I take the initiative, my mom and my siblings don't. If they're home they're in their rooms not taking her of her, she actually fell under my sister's and brother's watch while I was at work. I am so upset and have this anguish feeling for the past few months every time it's time to go back home whether it's from work, running errands, or anything else. I don't find happiness at home anymore all I feel is sorrow and that I am still not doing a good job bc my grandma deserves so much more. She is mentally and physically doing worse. I sense it's her last few months if not weeks. Even my mom has changed a bit of her demeanor towards my grandma, she is more patient. The rest of family is all hiding under rocks and I would hate to see them crawl out when it's too late. I'll probably kick them all out.