How can I figure out my narcissistic mother's secrets?

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I'm 59, disabled with an inherited heart condition and am now taking care of my narcissistic mother. I learned through this sight what I'd been trying to figure out for years. A few weeks ago I discovered my mother is narcissistic. From that discovery I have cried many tears now knowing it wasn't me for all these years it was her. I've been having "flashbacks" that curl the toes. I've buried so much abuse and it's all coming to the forefront. Now, because of a widespread power outage and then massive flood my mom is living with me. She's 88 and showing signs of dementia. My only sibling passed away from cancer in 2003, my dad in 2005. I had no problem caring for my dad who had Alzheimer's and heart disease. I'm not handling my mom well at all. Three years ago she was dx with a tumor on her ovary and refused a biopsy. The Dr told me he was as certain as he could be that it was malignant. I woke up at 5 am this morning and in the bathroom I found blood on both of my bathroom rugs. I'm scared and know what this means and I'm angry she has continued to lie about it (and many other things). She refuses to go to the Dr, take a bath and many other things. I've had to reach out to my Dr for anxiety meds. My bp has been sky high. I'm at a loss. Once again she's keeping secrets and this one will kill her if her house situation doesn't. I'm leaving the rugs where they are so she'll see them when she gets up. Then what do I do?

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Dianne, listen to Barb. She gives good, straight advice, which is what you need to get out of this bad situation. There's too much emotion involved in your situation, and you're overcome with it to the point of being unable to see that your mother refuses to cooperate and undercuts any ability you might have to care for her. This is a lose-lose-lose situation.

You need to find a way to separate the two of you and get separate help for her, whether she wants it or not. You might have to contact APS and get them involved to force her into a placement.
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As you can probably tell, I'm not a very patient person. I have NO patience for elderly parents who aren't cooperative. Even less for those who are narcissistic and think they are running the show.

YOU are the adult in the room right now, even if your mom is still competent in the sense that she can refuse treatment. I'm all FOR refusing to do tests/treatments; but you have to have a plan, not just have your head in the sand the way your mom appears to.

She doesn't want treatment? Then she looks into Hospice Services.

She comes to your house in an emergency? Then she's going to have to play by YOUR rules.

Bleeding of unknown origin in an elderly person is a medical emergency. I understand that you may be in an area of the country right now with floods and power outages; if the hospitals are closed or overwhelmed, I would STILL call 911 and get the EMTs to evaluate what is going on and what the proper course of action is.

Find out what your local hospice organizations are; call Mom's doctor and ask if s/he thinks this might be appropriate and even if the answer is no, call a couple of the hospice places and ask for an evaluation.

Also, call your local Area Agency on Aging and find out what home care services are available to your mom.
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Since you can't convince her to get to a doctor, I agree that perhaps going drastic and calling 911 might be your best option if you can't get her to an ER on your own. Once admitted, then you have social workers and the like available about your options (such as hospice, etc.) and resources to find a better placement. You need help, not more obstinance. Obtaining help from your local ER to get the ball rolling might be your best option.

I'm sorry. I hope you get the help you need for both of your sakes.
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She's bleeding. From somewhere. Doesn't matter from where.

Call 911 when she gets up. Let them handle it.

You get her into the hospital and if she refuses treatment, at least she's in a bed and discharge is in the hospital's lap. THEY need to find an appropriate setting for her. Not you.

You are done.
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