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My father is 79 and showing signs of possible dementia (not diagnosed yet). A few years ago, I had to move him into a different home he owned due to a bad hoarding situation. I’ve tried to keep a handle on cleaning as much as I can, but I work full time. His current home is livable but reeks of cat urine, which he says he can’t smell. I’ve suggested several times we need to hire a house cleaner but he resists, saying they will take advantage of an older person. Has anyone else dealt with this?

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I’ve been through this twice now. LOs displaying poor hygiene or other daily living issues, yet refusing help/care. Politely waving away family concerns, sitting calmly in damp smelly clothing.. “No no. It’s ok. I don’t need..”

My post disappeared & I can’t retype now. The jist of it was I had to decide to either step in more or step back. I eventually fould a path I could live with.. I did all I could, alerted others, then moved myself to position of Advocate.

I agree with the line that not everything can be fixed.
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Reply to Beatty
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If he was serious enough to have AP involved. Call them and explain the situation. He will likely think it is a follow up.

As well. I would not clean for him. We had my Dad and his wife putting a lot of expectations on my husband, neighbours and family. We know they complain but we stopped managing their homes etc. if they insist to live in a house it comes with costs as you can no longer manage it.
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Reply to Rose33
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Really I doubt there is a thing you can do about this until/when/if your father has dementia and you get guardianship yourself or guardianship of the state and move Dad to care where several shifts of folks will look after him. At that time the state or you yourself will have to have the homes either condemned or cleaned out and sold for his care.

This is now a mental condition as defined in the DSM-5 if I am not mistaken. It is for professionals to handle. You won't be capable of doing so. If you feel Dad is in danger do report him to county officials and APS for assessment of whether or not his living conditions are sustainable as they are.

I am so sorry. Not everything can be fixed.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Have your father diagnosed for possible dementia. If memory care is necessary, I think your father will be forced in to memory care against his will for his safety. If he stays home As Is, contact APS to go his route.
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Reply to Patathome01
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Anonymous2025: Contact APS again.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Thank you BurntCaregiver.
I had to contact APS to get him out of his previous home due to this issue. They followed up once.
I’ll take your advice and talk to him again about this.
Thanks again.
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Reply to Anonymous2025
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2, 2025
I wish you the best of luck because I know how hard it is to deal with clients like your father. When they're family it's ten times harder.
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I have dealt with this more times than can even count because I was a homecare worker for 25 years. This is pretty much what I've told resistant seniors who didn't want me coming or wouldn't let me in:

You have nothing of value to me that I would try to steal. Your house is filthy and you're not even keeping up on your own hygiene. So here are your choices. Your (son or daughter) is at the end of their rope with you and they cannot come and get the work done here. You let me in to help, or I call my supervisor who then calls APS (Adult Protective Services) and you get put into a nursing home against your will. Trust me (name of client), nothing will get a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.

This usually did the trick with most 'stubborn' care-resistant elders. You can tweak it a litt bit and tell your father that either he allows help to come in or you will report him to APS because he cannot continue living in filthy and unsafe conditions.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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MainePoet Jul 10, 2025
I haven't posted a lot but when my mom was really ill with cancer and I was taking care of her as well as her husband, I signed up for support etc. This is a helpful site and I'm glad it exists! Now that I also have lost my dad and stepmom, I don't know if I'm allowed to stay and read, offer suggestions here and there but I just read your response to Anonymous and wanted to ask you a few questions out of curiosity.
Isn't having a caregiver up to the person that needs help? My dad and step mom were offered in home health and they politely declined. I may be missing something but it sounds like you INSIST they accept help? Maybe it's allowed depending on the agency? Or state?
Also, I know when writing, the reader can't hear tone or read body language, facial expression etc but your response sounds harsh to me in a few areas but likely not meant to be. If someone told me that I have nothing of value they'd care to steal, I'd think several things (just being honest). Firstly, I'd think to myself "Does that mean if it WAS deemed 'good/valuable enough for you that you WOULD steal it"? LOL. Secondly, I would think to myself (if not say politely aloud) " Value is subjective. Just because it's not worth anything in your eyes, to me it's my dearest possession because of the memories attached/who gave it to me etc" And lastly, when you got stern with what you suggested you say to clients, I could imagine certain people (my mom for instance who was ALWAYS kind and polite, easy going but hated having her dignity and autonomy taken away which I get that, we all want to have control of our own lives and choices) saying "Go ahead and call Adult Protective. Im not wanting any help right now so please leave." I guess that brings me back to my question initially about people having the right to refuse outside help. The other thought I had is about your comment re: "Your son/daughter is at the end of their rope with you..." For me, I'd be FURIOUS if someone told my parent that, just saying. And that is because I know it would break my mom's heart to have to wonder "How long has my daughter/son felt so desperate? Why didn't THEY tell me?" Or "Am I THAT much of a burden to them?"
I am not meaning to judge you. I just wonder if you were aware of how someone might feel, hearing some of that and also as I said, had a few questions to ask! Thank you, take care!
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