Patchie1, I just looked quickly at your profile. So, your mother is living in a nursing home at the moment; but she is reminding you of your "promise" from years back and you are feeling bad/sad that you can't just scoop her up and bring her to live with you?
You don't owe her that, no matter what, you just don't. You don't owe her because she had you, raised you, helped you. That's what parents do for children. You only owe her a level of respect, caring, and oversight of her future. Just keep that in mind, maintain your independence, hold your head high and know that YOU matter as much (or more) than her. If you keep reminding yourself of these things you will know what to say.
Aug 14, 2019 You don't owe her that, no matter what, you just don't. You don't owe her because she had you, raised you, helped you. That's what parents do for children. You only owe her a level of respect, caring, and oversight of her future. Just keep that in mind,
Do you and she have a history of arguing with each other? You might kindly remind her that the two of you never got along under the same roof (if that’s the case.) Just a thought. I don’t really know what happens between the two of you that stresses you out. Does she really WANT to leave and live with you, or does she just want a little more attention from you?
Often our LOs don't understand the scope or impact of what they are asking. You can't take care of her as she is romanticizing in her mind. How long has she been in the facility? It took my MIL 3 years to completely adjust and start becoming social and happier, not just from antidepressants, but also understanding that her pouting and refusing to get out of bed wasn't going to move the needle with us. Her transformation as of late has been incredible. Stay firm in your position, but hopeful. Divert her with outings if possible, or taking her to the social offerings in her facility. Don't allow every visit with her to be about breaking her out. Parents have no clue what they are asking their children to sacrifice, including their mental and physical health, and all because THEY didn't make an effort to come to grips with it prior. This is everyone's responsibility. Wishing you peace with your mom!
It’s so nice your mom settled in!.. 3 years, geez. And your stance helped. I’m 8 months in and there’s still tons of pity parties (about her excellent safety and comfort). I shall renew my hope that it will improve. :)
Your profile says that Mom is in LTC with Dementia. You need to understand that her mind is dying. We call it broken. She is living in the past. She probably has lost the ability to reason. The ability to process what you are saying. She will have lucid moments, she will be confused. Please, don't take anything she says to heart. Her mind will jump from one thing to another. And get stuck on one thing. If she seems to be "stressed" out like you say, there are medications. Also, the person who tends to do and be there, gets the brunt.
In hindsight we should never promise. You never know where life will lead and in your instance, ur having health problems.
Just enjoy what you can when it comes to Mom. If she gets agitated, just give her a hug and leave. The staff will handle her. Dementia is a horrible desease. Those suffering have lost their filter and have no idea what they say may hurt someone. Or are aware of what they say. They become self centered to.
I am an only child my parents divorced when I was 3. I am now 69 Mum is 91 we have been best friends, Mum had cervical cancer and bracitherapy 10 years ago. I cared for her through that and have always attended any other medical appointment with her, She has always been shy but has a strong will. She has always had a negative outlook on life the glass half full. Others have known she is not a mixer and is stressed and anxious, that is her personality. She told people she lived for me, I was the main thing in her life. I did everything for her, not housework or physical work but all dealings with organizations and trades people etc. I moved about 30 minutes drive away from her 3 years ago. We used to live 5 minutes away. I have health problems arthritris and had treatment and injections I cancelled a knee replacement as I couldnt drive to see Mum. Her depression was great 6 months ago I would stay some weekends and she would cry most of the time saying she didnt want to be alive she missed me she missed her mother and sister ( both long passed) I arranged an assessment and a rest home level care was confirmed. She chose a room and a place but wouldnt pack or dispose of anything just sat in her chair crying and saying do what you want with it. She has been at the resthome 6 months. She said she didnt think i would let it happen that she never wanted to go that I made her give up her beautiful life. Not happy sad crying saying she will walk out on the road. The Dr and staff know as I told them but when they observe her she makes out all is well. She asks me over and over again why dont I want her I lead her to believe that we would live together one day when she couldnt manage at home. I said but my own health is worse now. She said what would you have to do for me i do everything for myself. ( which she does) shower dress eat walk to shops with walking stick buy magazines. Her memory is not good though. She says you have your 14 year old grandson stay what extra do you think you would have to do for me . I cant say do your washing take you to the doctor look after your medication. That sounds petty and those are not the things that I couldnt do. It is the stress of dealing with the responsibility and her anxiety and negative attitude that would get me down and then my arthritis pain flares up and I am living on sleeping pills anti inflamitories and diazapan. In regards to the dementia. it is early and has only been a MOKA test the nurse did. I am advised that a true dementia diagnoses needs more tests and a brain scan. None of these have happened. I decided to write Mum a letter but dont know what to say as it all sounds like I just dont want her. I guess it is true and my guilt is horrific.
Oh Patchie I can relate! Especially to what you said about the Following: “ I cant say do your washing take you to the doctor look after your medication. That sounds petty and those are not the things that I couldnt do. It is the stress of dealing with the responsibility and her anxiety and negative attitude that would get me down”. All those tasks- doing the laundry, going to appointments, managing meds- pale in comparison to the enormity of dealing with the emotionally charged negativity of someone who doesn’t feel good and places so much of the burden of responsibility on you. All those tasks add up, like the straws on the camel’s back, but those negative emotions are so exhausting. My 94 yo MiL lives w me and my husband and she recently told me, I depend on you! You don’t know how much I depend on you! You’re my soldier! (This when I wanted to run to the post office while she was getting her haircut, and she didn’t think I should leave in case “something happened.”) Instead of feeling like a compliment , that feeling of responsibility felt like a burden I could not put down. Did you ever see the story about How Heavy is Your Glass? (Saw it on you/tube). A professor asked her students how heavy the glass of water she was holding was. They had varying answers, but the actual weight of the glass was unimportant compared to how heavy it felt to the holder depending on how long she had to hold it. The longer she had to hold it, the heavier it felt. So is it with us caregivers, who find it difficult to “put down our glass “ so that we can get some relief. I really don’t have a solution to offer, just understanding, as I am experiencing it myself. You are not alone. Hugs.
Patchie1, the situation you and your mother are in is really sad, I'm sorry.
I think what we can do is help you untangle which bits you can do anything about, and which you can't.
The ones you can't do anything about include, e.g.: that your mother is in her nineties; that you are nearly seventy; that your mother's personality makes her not a "people person" able to make new friends and develop a range of relationships; that life goes on, and we all get older and frailer, and - unless we're exceptionally philosophical and/or deserving - sadder.
Another question, I'm afraid - when you moved a half hour drive away from her three years ago, what was the reason for the move?
Hi again Country mouse. I had alot of what you say above in my letter to her, but she wont get it now as explained. Thank you for all your amazing support xxxx
You won't successfully be able to "explain" anything to someone with dementia.
Her brain is irretrievably broken and it doesn't recognize her own needs. In her disordered world, she is "no trouble at all" and you are simply being mean by not taking her in.
It's a bit like an infant telling you that she promises to sleep through the night.
You would be entitled to feelings of guilt if you'd done something wrong. You haven't. You are looking out for your health; unless you are around, mother won't have an advocate.
When your mother lays on the guilt trip, tell her that the doctor says she needs a team of carers, not one elderly lady, looking after her. Keep your visits short and cheerful. Bring her a sweet, take her outside, speak to other residents and introduce her. Try going less frequently; that may lead her to interact more with others.
You ask how to explain to your mom, that she needs to be in a care center and not at your home, although in the past, you have taken very good care of her.
And when you sit down to write her a note to explain it, her negative outlook ("you dont want me anymore, you're throwing me away, you've put me here to die") are all that come to mind.
(I'm looking at this situation and thinking, gee, you're in a nice facility with good caring staff, three meals a day, activities, volunteers who visit, other folks to interact with and a loving, caring daughter to advocate for me).
That's sort of proof of why she can't live with you, isnt it?
Her depression and illogical framing of all of life's events are catching.
So, no, you shouldn't try to care for her at home. In part because it's not possible or healthy for you to try to do the work of 3 shifts of caregivers. And in part because SHE needs to be protected from the negative emotions that you drag up.
Have you asked the staff how she is when you're NOT there? Is she mopey and moody? Or is she pleasant?
If she's sad and negative all the time, I'd look into getting a geriatric psychiatrist on board for an assessment. It's possible that antidepressant medication will make a big difference in her ability to see the good in life a bit more.
And when you sit down to write her a note to explain it, her negative outlook ("you dont want me anymore, you're throwing me away, you've put me here to die") are all that come to mind.
Her depression and illogical framing of all of life's events are catching.
Those two staements from you sure impacted on me. Thanks so much x
It's your life & it's up to you how you run it. Do not allow anyone control you, including your mother. As my parents got older, my mother became fearful, her love of her life would die first. If he did, she wanted to move in with us. NO, THANK YOU!! After I was married, my mother was good at controlling me. The answer was "No, stay put!! We lived close. We will take care of your every need & see you often, but I can't live with you!!"
A lot of people here seems to be stuck with the fact that they "promised" their LO they would never put them in a "home". That is a promise that must be broken. In most cases, the LO says to their adult child, "Promise me you will never put me in a home", and what are you supposed to say? Sometimes it goes out of the blue and you are taken aback and don't think to say what you really mean, which is some version of "Sorry, there is no actual way you can live with me". Some people are happy to care for their LO, especially a parent. This is hard work, very hard, that comes at a time when many of us are either winding down our careers, finally retired or maybe helping out with grandchildren. Our elderly mostly did not care for their own elderly loved ones, they got sick and died. Maybe they lived together for a time but they did not live 8-10 years with dementia requiring constant care. I think it is okay to "rethink" this promise if it does not reflect what you really want to do.
Yes. She is correct. You don't. Explain to her that it is too difficult for you to live with her. Most of us have problems living with the partners we CHOOSE, with roommates. It isn't unusual. So you explain that you love her, but that you are not up to living with her, that living with her causes you stress and anxiety. That you are sorry, but that is the case. That you are not asking that she change and that you know that in fact no matter how she may WANT TO, she is who she is and you are who you are, and it isn't working for you to live together. That visits will work well, but living together doesn't. She will guilt you. That's fine. She will threaten, and break down and cry. That's fine. Normal reactions all. Not all of life is pretty. Much of life is hard and worth not going gently. Much of life is heartbreaking and worth crying over. BUT IT IS LIFE. And it is fact. And it must be accepted, no matter the grief. So now, tell her gently and finally. Tell her that you will not argue the issue. That you love her but cannot live with her. That you will be the best you can be for her. As I just said to another man, Welcome to the Club of the Flawed and Human.
She will guilt you. That's fine. She will threaten, and break down and cry. That's fine. Normal reactions all. Not all of life is pretty. Much of life is hard and worth not going gently. Much of life is heartbreaking and worth crying over. BUT IT IS LIFE. And it is fact. And it must be accepted, no matter the grief.
WOW! YOU ARE AMAZING. Thank you. I needed a strong directive x
You cannot explain. Her brain is broken. She's probably right that you don't want her now because it would be a nightmare for the both of you. But only you understand that because you have forethought.
My FIL lives in indy living. This week's visit with FIL was horribly negative - worst deluge of negativity yet. He had just come back from a chair exercise class and I thought his negativity was weird. So I went downstairs and asked the activities director how my FIL is normally. She called him words like "pleasant" "gentleman" "positive"....and my jaw nearly hit the floor. Turns out, my FIL is negative only with me and my husband because it's our fault that he lives in indy living with a swimming pool, movie nights, gym class, three meals a day, activities, shuttle service, etc. Afterward, I told my FIL that I find it hard to be around him because of the negativity he reserves for us. I don't know if he'll remember it - probably not - but I said it.
Be honest with your mother. Bottling up feelings inside leads to resentment and impedes acceptance.
Well, what an illuminating story! My mother used to reserve it for me, and now shares it with her ‘visitors’ too. I have to ask myself which I prefer. :/ I’m so glad you said something, it should be said. The trick is for your FIL’s own child to say it as well, if possible. Just in a light way, to point it out. Since a key human trait is being awful to those closest to us, then we’re doing it outside our own notice mostly. I frequently remind my mother that “I didn’t do this to you, life did.”
You will save yourself a lot of frustration and pain if you don't try to explain this to your mother. Even if she does understand, she will not acknowledge the validity of your point-of-view and she probably will forget what you said anyway and you'll find yourself explaining over and over again.
Oh how many times have I wished my dad would stop asking why did I "put him in here". (LTC] No explanation made sense to him because he could only see the psychic pain he was in and that I must be the reason. So no explanation did any good. When you come at this from the realization that your answer will never be enough nor make sense to her, then you can breathe and just accept it as part of dementia. Is it easy? No. But they have a need to be heard, and so my answer would be something along the lines of "you can no longer walk" and I’m so sorry it turned out this way. Again I would validate with "I know dad. I’m sorry you broke your leg. I wished it hadn’t happened" and then you quickly divert with a different topic. Don’t sit there and let her go on and ruminate with you continuing to get her to understand... because she won’t. Divert and move the conversation elsewhere. Get involved in an activity, having tea and cookie, wheeling her out and about etc. keep visits short.
I take care of my mother but she still lives independently. She has an anxiety disorder and has always been negative. I worry that one day she still want to live with me, and I could not take it. As another poster mentioned, she presents another side to others. I have thought about what I would say. So far, I think I would say "I will always do that I think is best for you". I know that I could not be a good caregiver if I am overcome with depression and anxiety, and I struggle with that now. It would be constant if she lived with me. I cannot tell her that.
Learn2Cope, Me too. My mom has always been super-negative. I struggled with depression as a teenager, but that stopped once I moved out on my own. I now look back and think it was the negative/dark atmosphere in our household that caused my depression back then. My mom is on a boatload of medication for anxiety and depression, which is taking a toll on her physical health. She lives alone nearby, but is becoming dangerously close to not being able to live independently, and she's only 77 (uses a walker, major fall risk, etc.) Sometimes those in the medical community imply that she should be living with me or vice versa....OK I am not going to ruin my future for that. I am 52, and if my mom lives as long as her mom did, she will be with me until I am 70. I will have to place her in some sort of facility....
patchie, so glad you added the extra info in a reply! Great input in the previous answers. I am and only, with a mother who also doesn’t really connect to others, and acts like I’m her human lifeline. I think I went into this phase with more distance in place than you have now, she’s always put too much emotional burden with me and ~15 years ago I went to counseling and started making the changes *I* needed vs. just managing myself around what she needed. Please, if you don’t have one, find a counselor through your insurance. We’re never too old to relearn and redraw appropriate boundaries with our parents! You’re involved and supportive of her - as a separate human being, not as a sustaining force. I’m just so proud of you for getting her in the kind of place she needs to be. Consider the value of getting a counselor/coach now, and do the work. You’re worth it, and she’ll react in new ways to your new language and actions. A book or a forum can get you X far but you’ll go even faster with human support. I SO understand what you’ve been dealing with all these years. We are not a tool for someone else. You are not actually capable of fixing this for her, nor were you able to fix anything in all the past years. So both sides end up broken hearted. Get out of that dance. ((Hugs))
Patchie, my mother is extremely anxious and I had her live with me when she had various health issues for a total of 6 months. It nearly broke me. The demands and need for me to take care of her and be her entire support system and social outlet. I lost all joy. Following a rehab stint, i didn’t bring her back, And placed her in assisted living by telling her it was respite and the next phase in her recovery. She was miserable there for almost 3 months, and eventually she accepted it and is quite content now. You’ve done the right thing. Keep her safe and change your role back to just being her daughter. I see my mother all the time. I pop in and out to bring her a treat or just have a conversation, but keep the visits short. And every Sunday I taker her to lunch and have a longer leisurely visit. She’s adjusted. All the best to you. I know it’s a hard road.
She is experiencing stress and fears abandonment. Her stress is triggering anxiety in you. Hard to deal with. Start with yourself first.
1 - Is it only mom's stress that causes you anxiety or other situations as well? If you have other triggers, see a doctor to care for your anxiety symptoms.
2 - Mom's stress needs to be dealt with separately from yours. Does she have dementia starting or progressing? Has she always been stress-filled? If yes to either, take her to a doctor for anti-anxiety agents.
3 - Does her stress make it intolerable to visit her for long periods or care for her fulltime? Consider Adult Day Programs, in-home aides, assisted living, help from friends, family, community of faith...
4 - Finds ways to reassure mom of your support and love in ways that don't stress you out. Flowers, weekly outings, phone calls, letters...
I’ve read a lot of answers that stated “you don’t owe her that”. Be that as it may, I’m speaking for myself, I owe it to myself on how I treat my aging mother. Yes, it is very difficult and quite challenging. I had to change my mind-set. Instead of looking at her as a burden, I see it as a privilege to be with her in her old years. I lost my father when I was young. Difficult as it is, I figured out a way to cope. Mom too is having difficulties accepting the truth about aging. That’s her issue not mine. I have to be mindful of my limits and practice self care at all times.
This is so difficult, but I think she will eventually accept that she must have the kind of care she gets in the facility if it can be made clear that you will not take her home. You might have to repeat it many times because she will forget. In the meantime just try to change the subject when she starts in on the poor me act. It's manipulative and it has probably worked well in the past. Not that she is intentionally doing it. She doesn't realize it at all. I usually tried to agree with my mom on all the horribleness of life, then quickly changed the subject. If she wouldn't turn the corner with me to a brighter space, I'd say I had a million things to do, but would be back later to see how she's doing. She's in assisted living now and is very happy there.
As for your feelings about this situation, it's tearing your heart out to have your mom in this state of mind and hear the very untrue accusation that you don't want her. Center yourself, meditate, whatever helps you stay strong in the presence of her. Then cry or whatever is needed for release when you get home. The relationship with your mom has changed and it must be this way and it causes emotional upset for both of you. I just does. Change is hard.
If she's having stress then she might feel better on an anti-anxiety med that the doctor can review with you. Sometimes it takes trial & error before you find the right prescription and dose. Then your care for her will be more pleasant & you'll both feel better. Good luck!
Sure you do because if you didn't, you wouldn't care and you wouldn't be trying to help her. Just say that and keep backing it up every time she says you don't. Unless you plan to never go see her in the facility, go regularly, and she will understand, eventually. Takes the skin of a rhino to do it.
The skin of a rhino and nerves of steel. Funny we dont see as many males suffering from parents do we? No disrespect to men but maybe its their more black and white outlook? I WANT SOME!!!!!!!!!
I have a similar situation in that my moms stress and anxiety are (in the words of health professionals) off the charts, or through the roof. She will not take her anxiety meds prescribed.
I do not live with my mom but have to TRY to limit the time I spend at her house helping her out. Not just a matter of time but I cannot take her stress. When eventually I feel I have to tell her it is not the time, not the chores, but her stress I cannot take she feels brutally rejected.
I have found, in my case anyway, with people like that (high anxiety, et al) there really is no way to say it which will not upset them.
There are always humorous things here as well. When my mom asks, ,, no not asks, demands, shames, guilts me into spending more time with her I eventually have to say she is not always a very pleasant person to be with.
She counters, asking me if I think I (Karsten) am pleasant to be with. I say probably not, but then why is she demanding I be there all the time?
Does she want you to move in with her, or is she thinking about moving in with you? Do you have a family? I would just tell her the real reason and see if it is something that can be fixed. I am going to move in with my daughter. She is critical of me in many ways. She says I am critical. She told me her husband has taken up gambling. I'm a conservative person, so said "if it's just entertainment that's ok, but gambling can get to be an obsession". She thinks I am accusing my son-in-law of having a weak nature and picking up the gambling fever. I never said that. I like her husband. How can I talk about things without seeming critical? I have opinions. I am a retired computer programmer, we constantly think of solving problems even into the small details. We haven't spoken more than 5 words in a week. I am not angry at her, just don't know what to say that doesn't include an opinion. She told me once that she accepts the fact that we will reach an inpass, have an argument, yell, then it will pass (I never yell). But I don't want to live like that. I want to get along. How can I make her my friend? You need to ask yourself why she stresses you out. Perhaps she is still your mother and you are still her child, but she wants you to be her friend instead. Just a thought.
Why would you move in with your daughter since you don’t get along. I think you will be sorry along with the son in law that gambles. They will use you for money. I would go get a one room apt before moving in with my daughter. You better think about it.
Don’t let her quilt trip you, you need to do what is best for you. Make a decision and act quickly your health is important in her care. She will try to put the blame on you, she can only do that if you let her. Are there other family members who can help?
I'm sorry you're going through this time of stress. It's truly hard and heartbreaking. Dementia removes the ability to converse with a loved one in the rational manner we were used to. In my case, my father was a very smart man, an officer in the Air Force, a problem solver and a planner. It was always hard to remember that those attributes were no longer available to me- He could not help me, help him. I'd lost my confidant, the one who I would have consulted regularly. Anyway, my point is - we can't "fix" folks with dementia - "explain" the situation to folks with dementia. We have to do what you so smartly have done. We have to consult others who understand, like folks on this forum. But, most importantly, we have to work on ourselves. We study the literature, listen to the experiences of others, possibly seek out the help of doctors/therapists, etc., reflect on who we love and why we love them, and alter our own actions and words to reflect new understandings every day, so that we are aware and satisfied with ourselves and the improvements we make in our lives. That is ongoing and hard work, but it's the only thing we can control and always contributes to a peaceful way of life.
Is that about it?
You don't owe her that, no matter what, you just don't. You don't owe her because she had you, raised you, helped you. That's what parents do for children. You only owe her a level of respect, caring, and oversight of her future. Just keep that in mind,
That helps so much thank you x
Does she really WANT to leave and live with you, or does she just want a little more attention from you?
xx
In hindsight we should never promise. You never know where life will lead and in your instance, ur having health problems.
Just enjoy what you can when it comes to Mom. If she gets agitated, just give her a hug and leave. The staff will handle her. Dementia is a horrible desease. Those suffering have lost their filter and have no idea what they say may hurt someone. Or are aware of what they say. They become self centered to.
I am now 69 Mum is 91 we have been best friends, Mum had cervical cancer and bracitherapy 10 years ago. I cared for her through that and have always attended any other medical appointment with her, She has always been shy but has a strong will. She has always had a negative outlook on life the glass half full. Others have known she is not a mixer and is stressed and anxious, that is her personality.
She told people she lived for me, I was the main thing in her life.
I did everything for her, not housework or physical work but all dealings with organizations and trades people etc.
I moved about 30 minutes drive away from her 3 years ago. We used to live 5 minutes away.
I have health problems arthritris and had treatment and injections I cancelled a knee replacement as I couldnt drive to see Mum.
Her depression was great 6 months ago I would stay some weekends and she would cry most of the time saying she didnt want to be alive she missed me she missed her mother and sister ( both long passed) I arranged an assessment and a rest home level care was confirmed.
She chose a room and a place but wouldnt pack or dispose of anything just sat in her chair crying and saying do what you want with it.
She has been at the resthome 6 months.
She said she didnt think i would let it happen that she never wanted to go that I made her give up her beautiful life.
Not happy sad crying saying she will walk out on the road. The Dr and staff know as I told them but when they observe her she makes out all is well.
She asks me over and over again why dont I want her I lead her to believe that we would live together one day when she couldnt manage at home. I said but my own health is worse now. She said what would you have to do for me i do everything for myself. ( which she does) shower dress eat walk to shops with walking stick buy magazines.
Her memory is not good though.
She says you have your 14 year old grandson stay what extra do you think you would have to do for me .
I cant say do your washing take you to the doctor look after your medication.
That sounds petty and those are not the things that I couldnt do.
It is the stress of dealing with the responsibility and her anxiety and negative attitude that would get me down and then my arthritis pain flares up and I am living on sleeping pills anti inflamitories and diazapan.
In regards to the dementia. it is early and has only been a MOKA test the nurse did. I am advised that a true dementia diagnoses needs more tests and a brain scan.
None of these have happened.
I decided to write Mum a letter but dont know what to say as it all sounds like I just dont want her.
I guess it is true and my guilt is horrific.
“ I cant say do your washing take you to the doctor look after your medication.
That sounds petty and those are not the things that I couldnt do.
It is the stress of dealing with the responsibility and her anxiety and negative attitude that would get me down”. All those tasks- doing the laundry, going to appointments, managing meds- pale in comparison to the enormity of dealing with the emotionally charged negativity of someone who doesn’t feel good and places so much of the burden of responsibility on you. All those tasks add up, like the straws on the camel’s back, but those negative emotions are so exhausting. My 94 yo MiL lives w me and my husband and she recently told me, I depend on you! You don’t know how much I depend on you! You’re my soldier! (This when I wanted to run to the post office while she was getting her haircut, and she didn’t think I should leave in case “something happened.”)
Instead of feeling like a compliment , that feeling of responsibility felt like a burden I could not put down. Did you ever see the story about How Heavy is Your Glass? (Saw it on you/tube). A professor asked her students how heavy the glass of water she was holding was. They had varying answers, but the actual weight of the glass was unimportant compared to how heavy it felt to the holder depending on how long she had to hold it. The longer she had to hold it, the heavier it felt. So is it with us caregivers, who find it difficult to “put down our glass “ so that we can get some relief. I really don’t have a solution to offer, just understanding, as I am experiencing it myself. You are not alone. Hugs.
I think what we can do is help you untangle which bits you can do anything about, and which you can't.
The ones you can't do anything about include, e.g.:
that your mother is in her nineties;
that you are nearly seventy;
that your mother's personality makes her not a "people person" able to make new friends and develop a range of relationships;
that life goes on, and we all get older and frailer, and - unless we're exceptionally philosophical and/or deserving - sadder.
Another question, I'm afraid - when you moved a half hour drive away from her three years ago, what was the reason for the move?
I had alot of what you say above in my letter to her, but she wont get it now as explained.
Thank you for all your amazing support xxxx
Her brain is irretrievably broken and it doesn't recognize her own needs. In her disordered world, she is "no trouble at all" and you are simply being mean by not taking her in.
It's a bit like an infant telling you that she promises to sleep through the night.
You would be entitled to feelings of guilt if you'd done something wrong. You haven't. You are looking out for your health; unless you are around, mother won't have an advocate.
When your mother lays on the guilt trip, tell her that the doctor says she needs a team of carers, not one elderly lady, looking after her. Keep your visits short and cheerful. Bring her a sweet, take her outside, speak to other residents and introduce her. Try going less frequently; that may lead her to interact more with others.
x
You ask how to explain to your mom, that she needs to be in a care center and not at your home, although in the past, you have taken very good care of her.
And when you sit down to write her a note to explain it, her negative outlook ("you dont want me anymore, you're throwing me away, you've put me here to die") are all that come to mind.
(I'm looking at this situation and thinking, gee, you're in a nice facility with good caring staff, three meals a day, activities, volunteers who visit, other folks to interact with and a loving, caring daughter to advocate for me).
That's sort of proof of why she can't live with you, isnt it?
Her depression and illogical framing of all of life's events are catching.
So, no, you shouldn't try to care for her at home. In part because it's not possible or healthy for you to try to do the work of 3 shifts of caregivers. And in part because SHE needs to be protected from the negative emotions that you drag up.
Have you asked the staff how she is when you're NOT there? Is she mopey and moody? Or is she pleasant?
If she's sad and negative all the time, I'd look into getting a geriatric psychiatrist on board for an assessment. It's possible that antidepressant medication will make a big difference in her ability to see the good in life a bit more.
Her depression and illogical framing of all of life's events are catching.
Those two staements from you sure impacted on me. Thanks so much x
That made me feel a bit better about myself
Cheers
xx
She will guilt you. That's fine. She will threaten, and break down and cry. That's fine. Normal reactions all. Not all of life is pretty. Much of life is hard and worth not going gently. Much of life is heartbreaking and worth crying over. BUT IT IS LIFE. And it is fact. And it must be accepted, no matter the grief.
So now, tell her gently and finally. Tell her that you will not argue the issue. That you love her but cannot live with her. That you will be the best you can be for her.
As I just said to another man, Welcome to the Club of the Flawed and Human.
WOW! YOU ARE AMAZING. Thank you.
I needed a strong directive x
My FIL lives in indy living. This week's visit with FIL was horribly negative - worst deluge of negativity yet. He had just come back from a chair exercise class and I thought his negativity was weird. So I went downstairs and asked the activities director how my FIL is normally. She called him words like "pleasant" "gentleman" "positive"....and my jaw nearly hit the floor. Turns out, my FIL is negative only with me and my husband because it's our fault that he lives in indy living with a swimming pool, movie nights, gym class, three meals a day, activities, shuttle service, etc. Afterward, I told my FIL that I find it hard to be around him because of the negativity he reserves for us. I don't know if he'll remember it - probably not - but I said it.
Be honest with your mother. Bottling up feelings inside leads to resentment and impedes acceptance.
I frequently remind my mother that “I didn’t do this to you, life did.”
I now realize.
Thanks so very much x
Your statement and words have given me much thought.
Thank you x
Please, if you don’t have one, find a counselor through your insurance. We’re never too old to relearn and redraw appropriate boundaries with our parents! You’re involved and supportive of her - as a separate human being, not as a sustaining force. I’m just so proud of you for getting her in the kind of place she needs to be.
Consider the value of getting a counselor/coach now, and do the work. You’re worth it, and she’ll react in new ways to your new language and actions. A book or a forum can get you X far but you’ll go even faster with human support.
I SO understand what you’ve been dealing with all these years. We are not a tool for someone else. You are not actually capable of fixing this for her, nor were you able to fix anything in all the past years. So both sides end up broken hearted. Get out of that dance. ((Hugs))
my mother is extremely anxious and I had her live with me when she had various health issues for a total of 6 months. It nearly broke me. The demands and need for me to take care of her and be her entire support system and social outlet. I lost all joy. Following a rehab stint, i didn’t bring her back, And placed her in assisted living by telling her it was respite and the next phase in her recovery. She was miserable there for almost 3 months, and eventually she accepted it and is quite content now. You’ve done the right thing. Keep her safe and change your role back to just being her daughter. I see my mother all the time. I pop in and out to bring her a treat or just have a conversation, but keep the visits short. And every Sunday I taker her to lunch and have a longer leisurely visit. She’s adjusted. All the best to you. I know it’s a hard road.
You have it in one.
It is still lost but I am trying.
xx
xx
1 - Is it only mom's stress that causes you anxiety or other situations as well? If you have other triggers, see a doctor to care for your anxiety symptoms.
2 - Mom's stress needs to be dealt with separately from yours. Does she have dementia starting or progressing? Has she always been stress-filled? If yes to either, take her to a doctor for anti-anxiety agents.
3 - Does her stress make it intolerable to visit her for long periods or care for her fulltime? Consider Adult Day Programs, in-home aides, assisted living, help from friends, family, community of faith...
4 - Finds ways to reassure mom of your support and love in ways that don't stress you out. Flowers, weekly outings, phone calls, letters...
As for your feelings about this situation, it's tearing your heart out to have your mom in this state of mind and hear the very untrue accusation that you don't want her. Center yourself, meditate, whatever helps you stay strong in the presence of her. Then cry or whatever is needed for release when you get home. The relationship with your mom has changed and it must be this way and it causes emotional upset for both of you. I just does. Change is hard.
You are so correct it always worked and it is Mums personality.
. The relationship with your mom has changed and it must be this way and it causes emotional upset for both of you. I just does. Change is hard.
Comforting thank you x
Thanks you so very much
Funny we dont see as many males suffering from parents do we?
No disrespect to men but maybe its their more black and white outlook?
I WANT SOME!!!!!!!!!
I do not live with my mom but have to TRY to limit the time I spend at her house helping her out. Not just a matter of time but I cannot take her stress. When eventually I feel I have to tell her it is not the time, not the chores, but her stress I cannot take she feels brutally rejected.
I have found, in my case anyway, with people like that (high anxiety, et al) there really is no way to say it which will not upset them.
She counters, asking me if I think I (Karsten) am pleasant to be with. I say probably not, but then why is she demanding I be there all the time?
HA!
Life is funny sometimes as I am Isabels daughter also.
x
She will try to put the blame on you, she can only do that if you let her.
Are there other family members who can help?
You are so right I need to become stronger.
Thank you.
x
I'm sorry you're going through this time of stress. It's truly hard and heartbreaking. Dementia removes the ability to converse with a loved one in the rational manner we were used to. In my case, my father was a very smart man, an officer in the Air Force, a problem solver and a planner. It was always hard to remember that those attributes were no longer available to me- He could not help me, help him. I'd lost my confidant, the one who I would have consulted regularly.
Anyway, my point is - we can't "fix" folks with dementia - "explain" the situation to folks with dementia. We have to do what you so smartly have done. We have to consult others who understand, like folks on this forum. But, most importantly, we have to work on ourselves. We study the literature, listen to the experiences of others, possibly seek out the help of doctors/therapists, etc., reflect on who we love and why we love them, and alter our own actions and words to reflect new understandings every day, so that we are aware and satisfied with ourselves and the improvements we make in our lives. That is ongoing and hard work, but it's the only thing we can control and always contributes to a peaceful way of life.
My best to you and your family.
Thank you,x