How can I be a part of my Father's life whom has dementia when my narcissistic mother isn't allowing me to see him? Please help!

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My 60 yr old mother is not only a narcissist, emotional terrorist, I believe using drugs, the best at playing the victim role and refusing me access to my father for over 4 months now. Long story short as a daughter who wants to be involved in my Dad's life and help in caretaking is there any thing in the state of Ohio I can do to make her legally bond to not interfere with his well being. The situation is perverse and complexed. However, I see the more I push for my boundaries to be respected & she is seeing am a 1+ yrs now into my healing process she is getting worse. Calling the police claiming I am threatening her, which is a lie. Stating I believe she is doing drugs is not a threat in my opinion nor is telling the truth.


This isn't healthy for any of us and her game playing just seems to be getting more dramatic. Now I am being told by an Aunt she uses whom isn't aware she is being used as of yesterday said my mother will allow me to see him only if I sign a paper stating any paper he may sign is null and void???? Oh, and she needs to supervise where as before I wasn't able to see him because she need to find someone to supervise? I don't know what to do but I know this is cruel to do to a man who doesn't have time to waste nor doesn't ask me everytime. I do get 3 phone calls since Feb when begging my Aunt to plz have my mother have my father call...I miss you all the time when are u coming to see me.


I don't ever want to upset him nor know what to say and I just play dumb. This is breaking my heart and yet I fear that it will be worse if I legally call authorities and she fools them or idk I just dont know what to do. She won't allow my siblings and I to spend time with him together since she claims to be advised not to??? Everything is always a lead into something even more dramatic than the last time. Please any and all support is welcomed! Oh, and my siblings have chosen just to raise the white flag as to not have to deal with her as where I just can't do that. He is my dad and a human being! She refuses to accept any accountability nor just seems to distort reality as she pleases! It's maddening and am trying to keep my cool because I believe she uses my Aunt unknowingly to trigger me and wants me to freak out. However, seeing her do this when it concerns someone who is not able to do for themselves as she proclaims a caretaking martyrdom has made me sick in a way that I'm not sure I can ever see her the same way! Its been scary but profoundly eye opening! I just don't want to deal with her and if having to like it to be not in a way she can continue to play games cause she finally at 40 has lost control over her naively thought she wasn't this woman kid...sorry I know my grammar is dreadful but again this in and of itself is triggering but am proud of myself for even reaching out!

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Pepsee is right. Through both your posts, you have said, bottom line, that you cannot deal with your addict mother. There is nothing more to do but give up on her and call Adult Protective Services. As others have said, give no extended family history unless you’re asked for it, and then be brief. If and when APS gets involved, they see Dad is not being cared for and remove him from the home, you will nave access to him then. An addict to any substance or activity will not reform unless they want to and it is obvious your mom doesn’t want to.

Call APS on Monday. Give them only the information they ask for. If they need details, they will ask for them. Let them come up with a solution. Don’t give them one. Keep past experiences out of it until and unless they ask. Be brief, succinct and calm. And let us know how it goes. Good luck.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Dearest Needing support, my heart truly goes out to you!

It is very easy for the parents or children of drug addicts to enable them. Our hearts are way too involved to back up and see the situation as it really is. That is the case here by reading your two posts. There is nothing to be confused about here.

Your mom is a drug addict caring for your very sick and dependent dad. Your mom can't manage a visit from her concerned children who offer help,. Do you think she can manage dad's care? She's shown you she can't by not doing it before, when you set it all up and offered to go w/them to Drs. Appts. And she didn't take him. She's shown you who she is....believe her.

Again, call APS explain she is on meth and your dad needs help. And those ARE the facts! APS will do for Dad what you can't because of your emotional entanglements to both your parents.

Meth is a horrible drug and causes tremendous paranoia. Please get him help. You are an amazing daughter!
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Reply to Pepsee
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Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. I know that each of you have expressed that my post is fueled by emotions and I couldn't agree more. I am painfully aware after rereading my post I 100% need to be mindful of my own emotions not over shoadowing the facts. Thank you all for being so kind as to not be judgemental, but instead lending your help verses a wtf...lol Who would think that am actually a writer🤐

That being said, I have been dealing with my mother's drug addiction since I was in my 20s and in February confronted her once again while always coming from a place of love in hopes of her seeing that I am fully on board to provide her with whatever help she requires. In doing this, it always ends badly when confronting her. My mother's drug of choice currently is meth and has been for some time now. As you can guess her using isn't the best overall happiness for all involed. I worry not only for my Dad's well being, but my Mother's as well. And, yes crawling the walls is an understatement to say the least concerning the way I feel when not knowing if he is getting the proper care.

As I stated my mother & I have a very complexed relationship that I'm currently working through in therapy. I have been very clear when expressing that his care/health and our relationship is separate, but this seems to only add fuel to a roaring fire. I have for years tried to offer my help in the caretaking aspect & understand this is no easy task. I have worked in nursing homes and am more than qualified to do so. More importantly, these are my parents and this is not a burden, but my pleasure to be of service to them both. I have tried every nice gesture, rational solution and everything in between. The more sound my mind is the worse her reaction to me becomes. I assume it's to do with drugs and even when I try to give the benefit of the doubt there is always something she takes issue with and cuts me off. In February, after confronting her about using I was contacted by a police officer because she made claims of my threatening her and harassing her. This being said, 7 years ago she also filed for an order of protection against my father stating he was doing the same and she feared for her life. These accusations were also false, but I not having clarity as I do today assumed she truly felt this way. During this time my father was made to leave the childhood home that he built and eventually it was forcloesed on. Again, this is a very complexed situation and something I'm trying to get myself to wrap my mind around so I can only imagine how hard it is for all of you.

I now see that my father was probaly in the beginning stages of this terriable disease during the time he was being made to leave his home. Once everything was gone she sought him out and began living with him after not speaking with me for a year when I had confronted her about her using. Eventually, I was conviced she was clean and began trying to heal our relationship once again to obviously no avail. If I say and/or do anything she doesn't like she crys wolf and the cycle starts all over again!

My father's mother and each of his 4 siblings also have been inflicted with this illness. I have researched this disease to death. I have been nothing short of on my knees begging her to please take advantage of support groups and all the information about this disease I personally hand her over. I have given her a computer to have access to the same info I have, yet she continues to make his illness about her and not him. In February I pushed to have him go to the Cleveland Clinic after realizing she hadn't been getting him the healthcare he has access to that she'd said she had. I set up everything and she thanked me even for the help, but when the time came she canceled the appointment, told me I was not her boss and would not allow me to attend the doctor's appointments she claimed to go to. This being after I stated that myself, her and my 2 siblings should all be on his medical POA as to be able to assist not only our own Father but her as well so she wouldn't have to carry the weight of being alone in his caretaking. Again she agreed but per usual nothing ever happens. I can't think of any reasons why she isn't allowing us to be involved when she crys to everyone that she needs us to be more involved. It seems she prefers the ability to claim she gets no help verses accepting the help that is continuously offered. I assume maybe this medical POA is what she may be speaking of when saying if I have him sign anything it be null and void and in order to see him I mist sign a paper saying as much? This was just told to me yesterday and at this point am willing to do anything, but it also feels like another tactic to control me in some way, thus why am here asking for help. The man has nothing left besidesa check he gets once a month so there isn't anything besides him getting proper health care that I can see being wrong with his children being allowed to be on that medical POA. Again, IDK this is all very much over my head as to why there's any issues with me seeing my father or wanting to spend time with him doing things he enjoys & he wanting to spend time with me as well! Or, her accepting any help from us kids when hysterical that we aren't doing so.

I've chosen to stay in the state after my only child has been living in Nebraska for 3 years as to show I am here to help when I specifically not had more children to be able to do what I have no problem putting on hold for my parents if they need me. I had moved into the apt they have over a year ago to help, but only to leave after 2 weeks due to her behavior. I have an apt close by after selling my home prior to moving in with them that is explicitly made for his needs should she be unable to care for him. Once again, there is just so much to express but the proper words allude me.

I just want to do yhe right thing and I'm not sure how to go about it at thia point. As you can see even speaking of this frazzles me and I appear to be crazy. A tatic btw she has used on me all my life, but I'm actively involved in my healing to try and resolve this issue. The most important thing here to do what is best for my Dad's well being and him to have the dignity and respect any human deserves when facing this challenge in life. I don't want my emotionsto over shadow him getting the best quality of life possible because I can't express the situation at hand correctly all the time.

I hope this was a bit more legible than my last post;)
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Reply to NeedingSupport
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Your mother didn't go from a standing start to suspecting you of conspiring to usurp control of your father's care, did she now.

To whom did you state that you believe she is doing drugs, by the way? Just curious.

The conditions proposed for you to see your father, be involved in his life, cheer his later years, are that you formally agree not to attempt to obtain his signature on any documents and that you agree at least for the time being to see him only under supervision.

What is so intolerable about those things that you cannot accept them for an hour or two?

Your mother doesn't trust you. You need her to trust you because the fact is that she has the right to determine who has access to her home. So, you will have to suspend hating her for long enough to comply with her wishes, or - as you point out - your father will not benefit from seeing you.

I'm sure that there is a lot more to the family dynamic, and I do sincerely invite you to say more. Only, and this isn't a criticism of grammar because I just don't do that, some of your post is not so much ungrammatical as unintelligible - it sounds as though maybe the stress of detaching and building boundaries has left you incredibly sore and it's too painful to get down?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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I 100% agree with Ahmijoy. When we're emotional and we reach out to a doctor or nurse, lawyer, APS, or any other institution we lose our credibility the minute we start rambling on about who said what to whom and what we think might be going on because this person dropped a hint or we overheard something. None of that makes any difference and it's just wasting the time of the person whose help we're trying to get. I'm not saying that stuff isn't important. It is. To you. But to be taken seriously we have to stick to the facts. We have to be succinct and brief. If the person we're speaking with has questions we answer the questions but we don't go into a tirade.

You have an emotional situation and I don't blame you for being upset but to get someone to hear you you're going to have to boil down the emotion and lay out the facts as you know them.
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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I agree that you need to call Adult Protective Services. However, you need to calm down and keep your discussion with them only about the facts. If you go off the rails with them and make accusations you have no proof of you won’t have a leg to stand on. State only the facts. Mom is keeping you from seeing Dad. You’re afraid for his welfare and you want them to make a visit to make sure he’s ok. Keep everything else, opinions, accusations and past hurt feelings out of it with them. Be calm and careful about what you say and how you say it to them.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Is there money involved? Is she worried about loosing control of his care? Something is there or she would not want you to sign a paper claiming anything he signs is null and void. You could reassure her your intentions are pure and that's not your motive.

She is using this to make it about her, not truly about what's best for Dad.

Beyond that, your only option is to level the playing field by getting some back up and call APS. Tell them you believe she is using drugs and you're concerned about dad's care.

Forget about not wanting to cause more drama. This is about your dad's life. I would be climbing the walls if I couldn't get on the inside and be sure he was being cared for property.
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Reply to Pepsee
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I'm not sure I understand your question.

You want to see your dad, who has dementia.

He is living at home with your mom.

What happens if you show up at their door with some flowers for her and a small gift for dad?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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