After my mother passed away, I invited my 74-year-old cognitively intact and healthy father to live with my husband and I. For the 9 months, things were great, but now the honeymoon period has ended. For the last 10 months, Dad has become constantly irate with me over minor things like dirty dishes or the fact that I warmed up leftovers for my husband (but not for him).
Two weeks ago, out of nowhere, he went nuts and screamed at me for nearly an hour when I told him I was making spaghetti for dinner. The rant came down to his dissatisfaction about what he perceived as me running an "abnormal" family because I did not fully dedicate myself to homemaking responsibilities, like making him gourmet meals. I am a woman, the primary breadwinner in the family, and love my job as a mom and corporate lawyer. I actually do make dinner every night (and also pay for all of his expenses, groceries, etc., plan all of his weekend activities, and my husband drives him everywhere even though Dad is capable of driving and has financial means), but my cooking is just not up to the quality of Mom's because Mom was a full time stay at home mom and professional chef. I calmly explained my life choices and time constraints (I break from work from 5-8PM to take care of baby and make dinner then log back on until 12-1AM most nights), and he responded by accusing me of poor time management. It was extremely hurtful, but I stayed calm throughout and the conversation ended with a "game plan" for satisfactory meals for the next week.
A week later, I tried to approach him about that conversation and how it was causing me to have anxiety about making dinner every night. In response, he attacked me again for another hour and accused me of having "emotional problems" because, in his mind, there was no longer any conflict and I was unable to just get over things. He was extremely angry. He pointed at me, raised his voice, and pounded his fist on my kitchen counter. Both times he got so angry, my husband had to take our scared one-year-old out of the room.
After talking to a therapist, I realized Dad's behavior was abusive and that he would not change in response to me constantly trying to pull rabbits out of hats to please him. Unfortunately, having grown up with this behavior, I had normalized it, but seeing him display it in front of my toddler put it in a new light for me. He had exhibited the same behavior towards my Mom when she was alive for similar incidents where my Dad perceived "lack of effort" as personal disrespect and attacked her for failing to fulfill her womanly duties. Dad is an Asian man, so there are some patriarchal cultural tendencies here (not necessarily unique to being Asian).
Yesterday, my husband and I asked my Dad to leave the home because, to put it lightly, we are not a good fit to live together. This is not a situation where Dad has any cognitive or physical disabilities whatsoever; he is a young 75. Dad was livid in response to the eviction notice and he told us he would cut us out of his lives forever, which was expected. He also for the first time, said that he regretted yelling at me and that given his remorse, we were overreacting. But after witnessing his aggressiveness a third time, my husband and I decided to remove him from the house immediately and rented an Airbnb for him to stay at for two months while he figures out his next housing situation.
I feel like absolute crap for making my Dad temporarily homeless even though I think it was the right thing to do for my family, especially my child who shouldn't have to live with an angry/hostile person in the home. Should I have given him a second chance to show that he could behave reasonably? Was I wrong to not let him live with us while he figured out his next move?
There is still a part of me that feels like a child owes their parent respect in all circumstances; he did, after all, provide me with room and board.
You were kind to put him up in an Air B&B for 2 months while he figures out his next moves. In my view, your father is the one who needs to learn respect because you and your husband have gone above and beyond for him. Please don't take him back into your home if and when he calls with a big song and dance about why you "threw him out" for no good reason. Don't let him minimize his unacceptable behavior, as most abusive people try to do.
My condolences on the loss of your mom.
Best of luck to you.
Husband just says "I understand you are angry, and I'm sorry you feel that way." My husband is a saint, and he's planning to do this grocery run for Dad every week until March.
Maybe that's the 'lawyer' in you??
Your dad will be fine. You don't need his negativity. You can still respect his place in your life, but you do not have to put up with his crap.
Sending him to a B&B was brilliant. For one thing, it lets you have peace as you navigate helping him find a place. Or not. But you don't need the stress.
Knowing people like him--you did the absolute right thing. Hang tight and keep those boundaries TIGHT!!
Good for you!
Providing a child food, a place to live, clothing and the basic necessities is a parents #1 job. That is the requirement for being a parent. A child does not owe their parents for providing their children with the basic necessities and nor should a parent be considered a hero for doing so.
The fact that you could only come up with the fact that he provided you with room and board as the reason why you feel guilty and obligated to give your father the next potential 20 years of your life by having him live with you shows that things were not very good for you growing up with the man. If I am wrong I am sorry for interpreting it that way.
But even if your father was father of the year and went above and beyond and was nurturing, loving, not abusive, treated you well, etc it still doesn't justify you having to take care of him for the rest of his life.
Having him move out was a good thing. He is quite capable of taking care of himself so there is no reason for him to live with you (and if he wasn't capable of living on his own I wouldn't recommend him living with you either).
It sounds like dad wants to be waited on hand and foot and sorry but this is 2024 and it's time dad started doing for himself or he can find himself a woman willing to be his servant for the rest of his life.
You appear a most reasonable person. You don't write with any bitterness but with insight, inclusing the cultural aspects behind his behaviour.
I agree with offering to help apartment hunt, then no more. Not until things improve.
I trust in time, your Father will come to realise how sensible his moving out was & attempt to mend your realtionship fully.
Until then, you got this!
He is living in an nice accommodation. He is an adult with the financial means to get himself housing.
He is disrespectful and abusive. Your FIRST duty is to your minor child. To protect that child's mental health, as yours was NOT protected when young.
We choose who we offer hospitality to. When the guest acts out and damages out peaceful home, they are asked to leave.
I'm glad you are seeking therapy for yourself. You are going to need to keep up those boundaries as your father ages and becomes less competent. It is in no way your duty to house him or cater to him, despite what the patriarchy/cultural norms tell you.
I’m sorry you are going through this .
His behavior will not change.
He’s an abuser. He only said he’s sorry because he isn’t getting his way . He also blamed it on you for overreacting. This is typical gas lighting to get his way also . Threatening to cut you out of his life , scare tactics all to get his way . Told you that you are the problem , that you are too emotional. I think you have a narcissist for a father.
You told him it’s not working out. You did nothing wrong. He’s not homeless out on the street .
Offer nothing else.
Then offer to assist him as you feel able and wish to.
And let this, please, be a lesson to you not to invite an elder into your home lightly again. It seldom works for people and it takes deep planning, discussion and trips to elder law attorney to work out shared housing expenses and so on. And it is a road that is going downhill fast, with no happy places. Unless you know exactly what it will be, and what you can take, and how often and when you will reassess whether it is working for ALL PARTIES involved, it should not be done.
I wish you good luck.
To be abused in your own home is out of the question. Dad is on his own. Since you are partially responsible for this move I feel you should assist him, if he will GRACIOUSLY accept it, with finding housing he can live in.
Best to you. Good luck.
Now that you have started, try to keep consistent with it!
He's hardly homeless- you are paying for 2 months of AirBnB. What he doesnt have is a personal chef .
You have not mentioned other family members. Are you an only child? If any siblings, whats there involvement and level of help? Cousins? His brothers/ sisters?
It's curious that he was able to hold in his temper for so long. It's proof that he's able to control himself if he wants/when he wants. But if this behavior of his was tolerated during his marriage, and for a time while he was living with your family, then he got the message it was "acceptable".
I need to ask you to consider the possibility that he has the beginnings of cognitive problems. Seventy-five is not too young. I have a cousin who was diagnosed with ALZ at 68, another friend's Mom was in her 50s. There are countless posts on this forum by people whose parents started declining in their 70s. It happens gradually and so sneaks past everyone until the behaviors become undeniable or there's a crisis created by an incident.
I think the best help you can give your Dad now is to encourage him to have an annual physical and maybe even see a neurologist for an evaluation. NONE of this should be coming out of your pocket. You are robbing from your own family if you pay one penny to help him. He's a grown adult who should have saved enough, and you probably weren't charging him rent or utilities or food while he sponged off of you in all his glorious old-work entitlement (been there done that with my Italian fam).
DO NOT allow him back in your home no matter how contrite he seems or threats he makes. Call his bluff about inheritance. My family did the same over a different issue. They never disinherited me because they needed me to be their PoA. Hopefully your Dad has assigned you or your husband (or another sibling) as his DPoA. If he didn't or won't -- do not agree to be his caregiver.
You aren't responsible for your Father's happiness. You aren't in the Old Country. We don't get to choose our parents but we can choose how and if we interact with them. You didn't ask to be born -- you don't "owe" him anything.
You're a lawyer. Think with your mind and not your emotions or FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I wish you all the best as you figure out your boundaries.
Secondly, your dad isn’t homeless because you provided a generous amount of time elsewhere for him to stay.
His apology doesn’t come across as sincere to me. I believe that your mom spoiled him to avoid his wrath. He does expect you to do the same things for him.
It’s your home. You have the right to cook however you choose to. Or not cook at all if you don’t want to.
Your dad overstepped his boundaries by disrespecting you and your family. He will find a new home.
I hope that he won’t throw his family away. My husband’s father became distant with us after my mother in law died. It was a different set of circumstances than you have. Still, I have witnessed the pain that this causes in a family.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. You have a wonderful husband who isn’t at all like your dad.
Wishing you peace. Know that you did what you had to do for yourself and your family.