I do everything for her. I had to quit my job.She will not leave her house, EVER. She said I owe her! My sister and I were verbally abused as children. Mom hated my father so much after they divorced when I was 5. She gave up on us when we were teens, and we needed a parent so badly during that time. Yes, she worked 3 jobs to support us, but she resented this.
When I had my first son, she would charge me money to watch him so I could get a break. When I got divorced from my husband in 2005, she actually said, "How can you do this to ME!" WHAT? My sister was in a horrific car accident in 2020 and is now permanently disabled. My sons moved in with her to help and I moved in with Mom. Under Mom's protest, she won't go to Independent living. EVER. She hates home health care nurses. So, I am the one who cleans the wound on her leg 3 times a week. I am her UBER driver, and can only work part time now doing food delivery so I can take her to her plethora of doctor appointments. The doctor's love her because she is nice to them. She told one doctor that I am her slave. JK. NOT.
I sing in a barbershop quartet with my sister and we are medalists in our Region. Mom used to sing and now she can't, so she is jealous of this. She pretends to be interested in an obligatory way. She came to hear us sing at a local gig, and she sat there with this rotten face the entire time. I couldn't look at her during our set. I am spent now, and I know things are going to get worse. There is no money for home health care. Medicare will not cover this. She is losing her sight and can barely walk. I am afraid to hire anyone who is not a registered nurse, like through a companion program. I have to make plans before her health gets worse. Any advice?
Did you ask to be born? The answer to that is no you did not. Your sister didn't either and neither did any other human being who's ever been alive.
So it is not your fault that your mother had to work three jobs. Or that she had a miserable marriage. You and your sister took the blame for it (as did I).
No one gets a registered nurse to come and take care of them unless they are a millionaire.
And Medicare will pay for some aide care homecare hours if your mother's doctor approves it and says she needs it.
Many adult children believe they have no choice but to obey an elderly parent when they say they refuse to allow outside help and will never leave their home.
Let me tell you something that comes from 25 years of experience as an in-home caregiver.
Caregiving is only ever successful when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
An elder will leave their home when there's no one around to do for them anymore. Most of the time it's not their choice.
Do not remain living with your mother because it will ruin and wreck your life.
Don't do that to yourself or your kid.
Go back to work and move out as quick as you can.
If mom is just going to scowl and behave like a senior brat when you take her somewhere, stop taking her places.
If she refuses to be respectful to and has the audacity to refer to you as her "slave" put her in her place at once.
DO NOT and NEVER tolerate that from anyone for even one second.
And last but certainly not least, please tell your mother what I have told countless seniors who refused to allow help and wouldn't work with their grown kids to remain in their homes.
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster then being stubborn.
So what? That doesn't mean you have to believe her.
Mama gets mad?
So?
Leave. Go back to work.
If she has a wound that needs care 3 times a week, is going blind and can barely walk, she needs more than independent living. Someone needs to tell this woman that her fantasy life is over. She's not able to be cared for by you in her home. That you need to go back to work for your own well-being. That you don't owe her a thing. Because you don't.
Get her doctors to tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she needs to be where she can get professional care. You stand firm. There's help for her, but as long as you enable this sick scenario, help won't arrive on little fluttering wings of happiness to take over. Mom can sell her house to pay for the care she needs. And no way should you think you'll stay in her house and take care of it if she goes to a care place. There are other places to live without mom's umbilical cord attaching you to them.
The problem started long ago with everyone catering to this angry dictatorial woman and letting her run your lives. You want her attention after a lifetime of her mistreatment, and you want to please her so finally she'll show that she loves you. It's never going to happen. That's truth.
So pull up your big girl pants, get away from mom, find a job and have a future. What happens to her is her own problem. She should have made better plans for her old age than dumping it all on you.
Good luck in getting your life back, and I hope you can do it soon.
The second mistake is that you apparently recently moved in with her and now let her tell you what she will and won't be doing.
We've had SO many posts on this forum about children who for some unknown reason feel obligated to care for a parent that was abusive to them and not there for them like you stated.
In case you don't know this.....you owe your mother nothing. As in NOTHING!
Please move out ASAP and if your mom doesn't have the money for her care then she'll have to apply for Medicaid and if needed be placed in the appropriate facility.
You say that your mom won't go to independent living ever. Well guess what? Besides actually requiring too much care to live in independent living anyway, she no longer gets a say about what she will and won't do.
If after you move out and she wants to stay living on her own you can call APS and report a vulnerable adult living on their own and they will come out and do an assessment, and take things from there.
Please for your own mental health sake, get out and don't look back. It's time to put your big girl panties on and do what is best for yourself.
Understand that we owe the CHILDREN we bring innocent and helpless into this world by our choice, chance or accident.
Caregiving should best be paid FORWARD to the next generation, not backward to the last one.
Do know that there are many FINE people in this world who did not have children.
They are now in their elder years with no one to care for them. The state then steps in to act as guardian for them.
Call APS and tell them you can no longer provide care. Get your own job so that you can save for your own elder years, being dependent on no one. Get your own place to live and make a good and happy life for yourself.
I wish you all the luck. Your mom's failures are due to her own limitations. But you can learn from them.
Really? Or it just feels like that.
"I had to quit my job".
No. You choose to.
"She will not leave her house".
Really? How does she attend the plethora of appoitnments mentioned.
Yes you have a situation. Maybe dial down all the drama & look at the facts.
1. Mom is getting older, needing more help.
2. You can OFFER your time & assistance - at the level that is reasonable for you to GIVE.
3. Mom will need to find other help for the rest.
If you truly want out, you will find a way to get out.
It’s nice to focus on the good times with her at the beach, but that was almost 50 years ago. Trips to the beach don’t negate her treatment of you now.
No one is saying to throw Momma from the train (heh). You can be of help and still have your own home and life.
People speak quickly forgetting that children do love their parents despite…if you are unhappy then find ways to do both so ur mind will be at ease….all the best!!!