I have mixed feelings about this. It all depends on how bad the abuse was.
In general (there are exceptions), I would say, yes visit your father in hospital. In a time in need, we need someone there. Even in war, there are things one does for one’s “enemy”.
We're in the midst of my MIL trying to rewrite her narative of her life and nobody is buying into it. She isn't going to have 'closure' with all the people she treated so poorly--mainly family.
I cannot forget the way she treated me, my DH and my kids and now my grandkids. I have to forgive her, someday, but right now? No, she will eventually die and I will not have had any contact with her in years.
And that was what was best for both of us.
Deathbed scenes? Rarely 'good' and often just make things much worse.
Don't go. What good could come of it? Why invite even the chance of more toxicity into your life?
Abuse is never okay, and those who have abused us have no right to our time and care.
There are plenty of nice worthy people in the world who deserve us. Find some, and interact with them. There is no need to allow your father to make you even sadder. It's enough work to get over the abuse he's already committed. Be happy!
Welcome to Forum, Kiko. We have so many new members of late with questions for us. Keeps us busy!
I would say that one of the most common questions we get involves parent/s who were in some way abusive, and about what to do when that parent is needy/failing due to age and illness.
I can only suggest that this should be a matter of what works best for YOU. For myself I would have nothing to do with a toxic and abusive person, nor would I allow that person to be a part of my life. For others they find that simple infrequent visits and wishing a parent a good day suffices to make them feel better.
If, as an adult, you have confusion about relationships with a parent I would see a counselor, whether LSW in private practice or psychologist. This person is trained to help you sort out options. They can also help us to recognize that the abusive parent was himself a victim of his own limitations. Letting go of fault/blame can help us move on with a healthy life so we don't pay our trauma forward on our own families.
How did you find out that he was in the hospital? If he called you in order to make you feel guilty and you don’t want to go, ignore his request. You don’t owe him anything.
Was your toxic father thinking about what he "should" do in terms of taking loving care of you as a child? Yet now you are thinking in terms of what you "should" do for him.
Do what YOU feel you want to do......a sentiment that is genuine and comes from the heart. If such a sentiment exists, go to the hospital and express it. If not, don't invent one bc it's something you feel you "should" do. That ship has sailed.
I'm sorry you've been put in such a situation to begin with. I hope you make a decision that brings you peace at this difficult time.
Only go for yourself. Is it something you want to do before he dies? So that you can put an end to it? He won't apologise. So don't go expecting a movie ending. I come from a toxic family and my Dad died last year, afterwards, where I was expecting peace the family imploded. These type of families, the toxicity just keeps on rolling on. If you have been badly hurt, what good will it do? If you have to see him die, if that helps you, one last time then go... Good luck to you, take care of yourself.
You don't need to visit toxic family members and fall into the trap of fear, obligation and guilt. It is something about these types of families that will have you doing the toxic song and dance whenever you get onboard with their nonsense again.
Leave it to family, and they will derail the trajectory of your life every time. Toxic people have a way of weaving themselves back into your life under the guise of family, but what this is; is a need that they've developed for you to help solve a problem for them. You can't solve their issues that are lifelong issues anyway.
You can send him a card and that is about it; especially, if you don't want to get on that merry-go-round of chaos again.
Some people who have been abused want at least an apology from their toxic parents. The only time you will get any type of apology is if they've done some real soul searching and want to be forgiven before they pass on. You can't erase lifelong abuse by one simple apology or conversation. Trust me, the change would have come way before now if they truly wanted to reunite with you. I think in these instances, the abusive parent is afraid of going to hell when they pass on. If this sounds a little harsh, I apologize in advance. My father did the same thing. He abused his wife and kids for years. He was extremely hard on me. We did get a chance to spend some time together a month before he died. However, the time we spent was a pleasant visit, and I ended up pampering him that day. However, when I tried to talk to him later that next month, his wife kept taking the phone away from him and getting on the phone.
I never asked what that was about. My brother called me one morning about three weeks later and told my husband that my dad had died. Dad and I were estranged for about twenty five years.
In general (there are exceptions), I would say, yes visit your father in hospital. In a time in need, we need someone there. Even in war, there are things one does for one’s “enemy”.
My brother had numerous issues. I tried to help him when he was in the hospital after having a horrific accident. It ended up being a nightmare.
It’s important to acknowledge that we have the right to protect ourselves and that they don’t have the right to add misery to our lives.
It becomes necessary for us to walk away from the chaos and abuse.
We're in the midst of my MIL trying to rewrite her narative of her life and nobody is buying into it. She isn't going to have 'closure' with all the people she treated so poorly--mainly family.
I cannot forget the way she treated me, my DH and my kids and now my grandkids. I have to forgive her, someday, but right now? No, she will eventually die and I will not have had any contact with her in years.
And that was what was best for both of us.
Deathbed scenes? Rarely 'good' and often just make things much worse.
Abuse is never okay, and those who have abused us have no right to our time and care.
There are plenty of nice worthy people in the world who deserve us. Find some, and interact with them. There is no need to allow your father to make you even sadder. It's enough work to get over the abuse he's already committed. Be happy!
Keeps us busy!
I would say that one of the most common questions we get involves parent/s who were in some way abusive, and about what to do when that parent is needy/failing due to age and illness.
I can only suggest that this should be a matter of what works best for YOU. For myself I would have nothing to do with a toxic and abusive person, nor would I allow that person to be a part of my life. For others they find that simple infrequent visits and wishing a parent a good day suffices to make them feel better.
If, as an adult, you have confusion about relationships with a parent I would see a counselor, whether LSW in private practice or psychologist. This person is trained to help you sort out options.
They can also help us to recognize that the abusive parent was himself a victim of his own limitations. Letting go of fault/blame can help us move on with a healthy life so we don't pay our trauma forward on our own families.
Do what YOU feel you want to do......a sentiment that is genuine and comes from the heart. If such a sentiment exists, go to the hospital and express it. If not, don't invent one bc it's something you feel you "should" do. That ship has sailed.
I'm sorry you've been put in such a situation to begin with. I hope you make a decision that brings you peace at this difficult time.
Is it something you want to do before he dies?
So that you can put an end to it?
He won't apologise. So don't go expecting a movie ending.
I come from a toxic family and my Dad died last year, afterwards, where I was expecting peace the family imploded. These type of families, the toxicity just keeps on rolling on.
If you have been badly hurt, what good will it do?
If you have to see him die, if that helps you, one last time then go...
Good luck to you, take care of yourself.
Leave it to family, and they will derail the trajectory of your life every time. Toxic people have a way of weaving themselves back into your life under the guise of family, but what this is; is a need that they've developed for you to help solve a problem for them. You can't solve their issues that are lifelong issues anyway.
You can send him a card and that is about it; especially, if you don't want to get on that merry-go-round of chaos again.
Some people who have been abused want at least an apology from their toxic parents. The only time you will get any type of apology is if they've done some real soul searching and want to be forgiven before they pass on. You can't erase lifelong abuse by one simple apology or conversation. Trust me, the change would have come way before now if they truly wanted to reunite with you. I think in these instances, the abusive parent is afraid of going to hell when they pass on. If this sounds a little harsh, I apologize in advance. My father did the same thing. He abused his wife and kids for years. He was extremely hard on me. We did get a chance to spend some time together a month before he died. However, the time we spent was a pleasant visit, and I ended up pampering him that day. However, when I tried to talk to him later that next month, his wife kept taking the phone away from him and getting on the phone.
I never asked what that was about. My brother called me one morning about three weeks later and told my husband that my dad had died. Dad and I were estranged for about twenty five years.
Seriously, why invite that into your life?
You should only go if you really want to go. If the abuse was severe, I’m not sure if you would feel comfortable or if it would make you feel worse.
I wish you peace. I’m so sorry that you were abused by your father.