Hello, fellow caregivers,
I'm a 41 year-old woman living with my disabled husband of the same age, and I'm clinically depressed and feeling hopeless about the future as I watch my husband decline before my eyes. He is very manipulative and difficult to handle, and I don't feel like I can handle him anymore. I've become a shell of a person, morbidly obese, and hopeless since our marriage began 12 years ago. We have a dog but never had kids, as he can't ejaculate. I was really sad about that at first, but now am glad.
We currently live with my husband's father who is difficult and enables my husband. He helps some although I'm my husband's full-time caretaker but not compensated for more than 2 hours daily.
DH is an uncompliant, type 2 diabetic with kidney failure, on dialysis, who needs help with everything related to vision, standing, transport, breathing, and using the bathroom. He's currently on oxygen and in diapers. He calls me around the clock to wait on him hand and foot and has a bad attitude about everything.
My father-in-law is moving away this summer and we would be homeless (because I'm only paid working part-time and husband has small disability check) except I'm inheriting money from my dad who recently passed.
I'm considering getting myself a little condo and some new work and moving away so I can have some semblance of a life. My husband expects to go with me and continue as is, but I want to put him in a nursing home, even if I have to divorce him. I'm so burned out and torn. He got fired from physical therapy and all his doctors call me to vent. I don't want the responsibility of dealing with him anymore. He picks holes in his flesh, all over his body, because he's bored. I understand he's depressed, but I am too (maybe even more than him), and he expects everyone to solve his problems.
The best thing for you to do.. is get him the best facility you possibly can for him.
Just remember, If he's depressed now, imagine what he'll be once you leave him for good and he's in a facility.
So your situation is a double edged sword. As long as you feel in your heart you did the best possible thing for him out of love not haste then you should be ok..
Sounds like your husband has checked out of the marriage and sees you as his 24/7 nurse, not a cherished spouse. Without you working yourself to death he WOULD be best suited for skilled nursing facility. I’m certain you will not surprise your attorney with your story and they will guide your steps to protect your assets. He will also have info with resources for husband’s placement and support. There may even be support for you to break the news to him when you’re ready to regain your life. It will be ugly. You’ve done enough. You deserve that condo you dream of and keep your eyes onto a peaceful future.
I wish you the very best.
What do they expect YOU to do?
When do you expect to actually receive your inheritance? Is it in a trust or an estate? Who is the executor/successor trustee? Is their property that has to be sold? Do you know for sure how much you will be getting?
In another post you wrote that your H refuses to hire caregivers. Does he have the money to do this? And if you were to have to leave immediately, do you have access to any funds?
The other post also stated "I hate changing my husband's disgusting poop/diarrhea diapers 12 times a day," UGH YUCK.
I am so sorry that the extreme stress of this has caused you to become morbidly obese. You must get yourself in shape and healthy for your new life. YOU CAN DO IT!
Please keep us updated -- we care about YOU!!!
I would be careful with the funds from your inheritance. I would not put them in a joint account because if he goes into a facility under Medicaid they likely will take any assets he has under his personal or joint accounts.
As for leaving him, I cannot advise you. I certainly understand your feelings of helplessness and desperation. I too would feel that way. Talk with a local pastor and/or therapist. Get some advise and encouragement from them.
Praying all goes well for you!
Park that money in an account that is in your name only. Then see a divorce attorney to get an idea of all of your options. THEN make the decision about whether or not to divorce your husband. Make sure your interests are protected before you make any decisions.
Good luck!
That money belongs to YOU alone, but if you co-mingle funds, he gets half. Open separate bank accounts in a different bank and keep that money completely separate. Don't spend any of it on anything for him, because that's your ticket out.
Start getting your plan to escape put together. Start eating right, for one thing, because your health matters. Take care of YOU first and foremost, so you'll be in good shape to bolt before his dad does. Get yourself a divorce lawyer before you mention anything to your husband and do what he tells you.
Begin the process with no guilt in your mind, and don't fall for any mind games from your husband or your FIL. You need to leave, and having a vision of your future in your mind will help you get through this.
I have been through an incredibly ugly divorce where, stupid me, I started out by playing fair only to discover that my ex really was a miserable arsehole. So, in addition to retaining a divorce lawyer ASAP, make sure its a GOOD divorce lawyer. Assume that your husband will get down in the mud and play as dirty as he can. Do everything your lawyer says and trust his/her experience.
Good luck. You are young and there is a big, gorgeous world out there waiting for you!
This is a good practical step. Whether this separation is your husband being admitted to hospital, to a NH or his final resting place - this time of transition is near.
His health needs warrent a team. You have done all you can. Now steer him to another place. Be at peace with that.
A lawyer can advice if divorce is required for this step or not.
Then look for grief support for yourself. While you cocoon & look after yourself before emerging into your own new life 🦋
You need to save yourself (and the dog).
Your father in law's decision to move away and leave both of you behind is very telling.
I have some concern that your husband may use threats of violence/destruction of your property once the divorce papers are served....or actually strike/injure you and the dog.
Use the public library as a place to do research and get some space for yourself, away from him. Find out about the resources available for women who have abusive partners, and take it seriously.
He is very depressed - which is a huge anger turned inside himself- and has a history of lashing out with verbal abuse when he is not getting his way.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when one person tries to leave.
Call the county bar association for referrals of some attorneys who do divorce law, see if local legal aid has suggestions (even if they cannot help you ), etc.
I'm not trying to frighten you, but am worried about your safety. Personal and professional experiences and education are the basis of my concern for you.
You deserve to be safe and contented in your own space.
DO NOT put your inheritance into a joint account. It is your money and he has no right to any of it, unless you put it in a joint account.
He has made his choice and you get to make yours. Please chose life and functionality over the slow, miserable death he is putting you through.