Follow
Share

Hello, fellow caregivers,



I'm a 41 year-old woman living with my disabled husband of the same age, and I'm clinically depressed and feeling hopeless about the future as I watch my husband decline before my eyes. He is very manipulative and difficult to handle, and I don't feel like I can handle him anymore. I've become a shell of a person, morbidly obese, and hopeless since our marriage began 12 years ago. We have a dog but never had kids, as he can't ejaculate. I was really sad about that at first, but now am glad.



We currently live with my husband's father who is difficult and enables my husband. He helps some although I'm my husband's full-time caretaker but not compensated for more than 2 hours daily.



DH is an uncompliant, type 2 diabetic with kidney failure, on dialysis, who needs help with everything related to vision, standing, transport, breathing, and using the bathroom. He's currently on oxygen and in diapers. He calls me around the clock to wait on him hand and foot and has a bad attitude about everything.



My father-in-law is moving away this summer and we would be homeless (because I'm only paid working part-time and husband has small disability check) except I'm inheriting money from my dad who recently passed.



I'm considering getting myself a little condo and some new work and moving away so I can have some semblance of a life. My husband expects to go with me and continue as is, but I want to put him in a nursing home, even if I have to divorce him. I'm so burned out and torn. He got fired from physical therapy and all his doctors call me to vent. I don't want the responsibility of dealing with him anymore. He picks holes in his flesh, all over his body, because he's bored. I understand he's depressed, but I am too (maybe even more than him), and he expects everyone to solve his problems.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
wow. sad to read some of these postings. Save yourself they say but they are saying is dump that person. You make the decision, If you believe in God. you'll either have to answer or you will be blessed. If you choose to have to answer. I am sure he will not except you dumping someone because of thier condition but people are souless, especially the ones that responded with flee while you can, dump him in a facility, live your life, hire a lawyer to separate accounts.

Let your conscious guide you
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
cignal Jun 2022
Earlier in this same post you wrote "The best thing for you to do.. is get him the best facility you possibly can for him. Just remember, If he's depressed now, imagine what he'll be once you leave him for good and he's in a facility."

so which is it? are you going to be judged just like the rest of us soulless commenters telling her to leave this horrible situation?
(0)
Report
Get him admitted to the hospital. Allow case management to place him into a skilled nursing facility. Tell them you do not want to be the one to make decisions about his care and can not care for him at home.

Check with a lawyer (or online) regarding laws for where you live and your financial responsibility for his care. Though I do not recommend divorce or legal separation, you may have to do so to protect that inheritance... and start a new life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I can see no reason why you would say. You are still young and you can turn your life around completely. But please, when you go.. take the dog.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm so sorry. I would protect my assets right away and keep accounts separate. Then I would contact an attorney. This does not sound like a marriage and if you put him in a facility, he will have caretakers. Save yourself. You are still very young.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Someone said: "We in this forum only give support and advice...". I wonder who really follows the advice. In regard to advice, most people only follow the advice they want to hear and ignore the ones they dislike. Support? People don't feel supported by totally strangers who have different points of view, some only guided by political correctness. I believe that the main value of this forum is being a source of hands-on information from caregivers who face similar situations in caring for others.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Not for nothin, but you are morbidly obese, meaning you are likely to have a lot of health issues yourself now or down the road a bit. Like diabetes, liver disease, heart disease and so many other health problems too numerous to mention. Who's going to take care of YOU down the road when you need it?

Your DH did not 'make' you overeat or cause you to become morbidly obese; you made those unhealthy decisions yourself, one bite at a time. Yes, it's probably been a coping mechanism to deal with an unhappy marriage, which I understand; I have addiction issues myself. So I'm saying this from an empathetic standpoint, not a judgmental one. My suggestion to you is to do whatever it takes to care for YOURSELF now, before it's too late. Can you do that while staying married, or is it necessary for you to move out first? Can you work? If so, do so. Focus on self-care and healing now, and if that means you get a divorce, then so be it. Get counseling to learn how to stop emotionally eating, too, that's a big one. And/or join a group like Overeaters Anonymous to help you take a spiritual outlook on things.

You should also think about seeing a Certified Elder Care attorney for advice moving forward; if your DH has any dementia going on, you'll need to see how to go about filing for divorce under those circumstances and if it's even possible to do so.

Whatever you decide, you matter too, not just your husband. You deserve a good life and he deserves a good life. How you go about achieving such a result I don't know, but I wish you the best of luck figuring it all out.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
BurntCaregiver May 2022
Nicely stated, lealonnie. An elder attorney will be of no use to the OP considering that she and her husband are only 41 years old.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Sunsetpup. Your posting is an all too frequent one on these pages. Invalid is demanding (implicit lack of gratitude) and you are the pitiful and burned out caregiver. You have the right and responsibility to take care of yourself and plan wisely for your future. Just do it! You don’t have to state every fault of his; focus on what you need to do and proceed.
Am I unsympathetic? No. But he deserves sympathy too; perhaps even more than you. You seem to want to avoid guilt - A normal human response. Fine - but not at your husband’s expense.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It is possible that you both may be better off without each other.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I think you should consider calling your local county for help with seniors. They have great resources and could point you in the right direction. Your husband should be in a professional care facility. You need help and you're young yet to live a happy, fulfilling life. Life is short so start enjoying it now.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Run! See a divorce attorney, live your best life.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Why are you looking for sympathy and approval, when you already have the answer?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
MountainMoose May 2022
Where do you get Sunsetpup is looking for sympathy and approval? We give support and advice here, TChamp. Some posters here have been involved in such matters and far more have great perspective. If your post is the best you can do, then I advise you to step away.
(7)
Report
You give rather too much intimate detail about your husband and I'm sure he would not appreciate his wife cuckolding him to a group of strangers on the internet. You say he has a bad attitude about everything. Judging from how you're talking about him here you are probably a large part of why his attitude is so bad.
With all due respect to you, I do not believe that you wait on your husband hand and foot or work yourself to the bone caregiving for him. Nor do I believe his doctors call you to vent. They don't do that.
Keep in mind that because of your husband you have somewhere to live. You even admit that you'd both be homeless without your FIL. I'm so sure your FIL would not have you living in his home which I imagine is rent-free if not for his son.
If divorce is what you want there's no crime in that. I'm twice divorced myself. Get out if the marriage isn't working, but have some respect for yourself.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am very sorry for your situation and wish you the best. That said, I do not think this is the proper place to ask for marital and legal advice. No one can make this decision for you. There are 2 sides to every story and being total strangers, we are not “ qualified” to give you sound advice. You need PROFESSIONALS to help you in your situation. Good luck to you and I hope things work out well. 💜
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

He needs placement ..might actually prolong his life if they can help him mentally as well.
Was he like this when you married .personality wise ? Did he need your assistance then ..I’m assuming he all ready had health issues if he couldn’t ejaculate …did he marry you due to the need for someone to take care of him? Sorry if I sound harsh ..but wondering if that is the reality of this relationship. If so ..then leave ASAP. Get your lawyer , keep inheritance for yourself and explore starting a new life. Also look into relocating if this may be cheaper than if you live in an expensive area. I have a friend who moved to Mexico just for the lower costs . If this was a loving relationship then perhaps you want to look at it from an illness perspective. As in , perhaps his health issues caused his depression, anger and dependence on you for all care. That could have led to brain damage due to the diabetes or kidney issues . If so, perhaps , consult lawyer to get your inheritance protected from his bills. Then get him placed and started on Medicaid . If he’s on disability this might be easier. Also, he might qualify for hospice. Sometimes also places have counseling services available for loved ones/caregivers.
either way..start living healthier ..make time for self , walk with dog, eat better - reward yourself sometimes though , when you are able perhaps join a gym . If you are staying with husband..his disability should qualify you for subsidized housing ..some have gyms and programming too- so look into that ..and then you could get caregivers through Medicare or hospice and get yourself a paying full time job. What did you do before marriage ?
good luck .
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Sunsetpup: Perhaps you should seek the help of a counselor.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

OMG, i am in similar situation, but its hard for me to get out of him living here in my home, this is my brother not husband. You should get that condo and forget about taking your husband with you. You deserve better. He's not going to get better. He should be in a nursing home in his condition. Tell him you will visit him and bring special treats and food or something. Please do yourself a favor, don't be falling into the guilt trap like i did, we all did. Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I recommend getting a full time job, and then counseling. If you can't work full time, get out of the house, even if you just go and sit in a mall or library. That way, he can't bug you to get him a beer or whatever. If you are as hard up as you say, an apartment would be out of reach. If you do leave, get a divorce.

I have started counseling because only I am responsible my thoughts and behavior. Since I am having problems along that line, I have to find a way to change myself.

My good thoughts and hugs are coming your way. There is a way out, trust me.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Why are you still there????????????????

Call the local nursing home and ask to speak to a social worker (with or without your husband): then set a date for his placement and your departure.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Cover999 May 2022
All-For-One "I Swear"
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
I haven't read all the answers here, but I 100% agree with the one that says you don't need our approval to do what you need to do. This is not a marriage. This is him taking advantage of you (and the underpaid help). Run while you still have something to run with.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Stay and all your inheritance will be used to pay for his care. Eventually you run out of money and still in the homeless situation. I really don't understand about hubby plans to move with you, what's the point in moving? If you are going to continue to be together, his care needs won't change, you'll have one less person with dad gone to help him, so can't see that you could get a FT job to pay bills where you are or where you would move to.

If you stay how long would that inheritance last whether you live where you are or move to a condo? If bills would eat up the money quite quickly, you really have no choice but to get gainful employment.

Go and use the money to start over by getting a job, getting your own health in order. If you still love the guy, then talk to his drs about putting him in facility for now to see if he can become more independent...which would allow you time to do for yourself and possibly have him return to home with better strength and more motivation. The stipulation would be you have to have a job so him coming home depends on being able to function all day while you're at work.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Maryjann May 2022
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
strategize how to move out
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Run. You deserve more.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I agree, start packing your bags. Can you afford to live on your own? You should be ok with your inheritance. Good luck
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

You do not need our approval to do what is best for you. RUN and do not look back.
Talk to 3 divorce lawyers, the 3 best you can find. Pick one to work with. The other two cannot contract with your husband once they have consumed with you, amber not fair , but that is the game.

Divorce on grounds that you are not husband and wife but a caretaker and patient. You can document hours and tasks that live not time for "marriage"activities. This will provide some protection if he tries to claim part of the inheritance .

Your F-I-L = is an a**! If he cared at all for you he would help out, counsel, not enable his child, and I mean child. He doe s even want to live with his son, that is perspective.

Take care of your self, because you know nobody else cares about you enough to help you.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Get out, girl, while you can. I am astonished that you have lasted as long as you have.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Divorce so he can get all Medicaid help and your assets will not be counted. After the divorce you can get him into a facility. They do all the paperwork. Move away have a new life that is what you want :/
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
Maryjann May 2022
Sounds like good advice. Just add in that OP needs to run this plan past a lawyer.
(1)
Report
From the description your husband sounds as if he has mental health issues that urgently need addressing before he can move forward. Has he seen a psychiatrist or psychologist? Since your husband receives a disability check (presuming SSI), then his healthcare needs should be met by Medicare/Medicaid. Can he be brought to an ER and can you ask for psych eval for the skin picking, non-compliance, depression, anxiety? He may need to be in a nursing facility.

As for divorcing...well, that's up to you.

Last question if you're living in his father's home and his father is leaving, does he care that you two will be homeless or is he banking on your inheritance to see you through? Even if you buy a condo with no mortgage by using the proceeds of the inheritance what will you use for the day-to-day expenses and maintenance fees for the condo?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
JeanLouise May 2022
ER is a GREAT idea. Given his medical and psych needs they will keep home and facilitate a placement. Especially is she tells the staff there EVERYTHING.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
RUN......................Get out, now. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself, everything. You are still young and shouldn't have to put up with this. Start a new life. He will get help on his own.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I think I am not qualified to give advice on divorce, and whether someone should leave and/or get a divorce. If you need counseling on that question I would suggest you see a professional therapist.
I will make one observation to you. That regards your money coming to you through inheritance:
Do know that this is SOLELY your MONEY. It is not community property as yours and your husbands assets accumulated in your married life are. And this holds under the law UNLESS you put you inheritance in a joint account with your husband. This makes it money BOTH of you hold equally.
No keep that inheritance under your own name, choosing a pay on death friend or loved relation.
Best of luck in your decisions. This doesn't sound like a happy marriage to me, whether there is illness and other things involved or not. I myself would be leaving, but I would never advise someone else to leave unless it was a case of abuse. I will trust you to make your own decisions for your own life.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Albigensian May 2022
This is SOLELY your MONEY only so long as you do not ever comingle it with marital funds. A joint account is one way that monies can be comingled, but not the only way.

In order for it to remain SOLELY your MONEY you must be vigilant to never, ever comingle it. For once that's done it can not be undone.

BUT that's not the sole issue; there are laws in many states regarding spousal responsibilities: in some circumstances (depending on your state) you can be required to pay for your spouses medical expenses just as surely as some parents can be forced to pay for child support.

So, this advice gets old, but, if this is a sizeable inheritance and you are determined to protect it you will probably need to consult an attorney.

Because, as costly as legal services are, sometimes they're a whole lot cheaper than the consequences of not obtaining them.
(5)
Report
The two of you are very young. Twelve years of marriage are a fairly short time. You have time to make a new life. So does he unless he is currently in the dying process.
Was he disabled when you married?
Was he so mean when you married?
If he was already disabled but not vicious in nature, consider the disease process could be causing the personality changes. Get help from social services.
If he was already an S.O.B., he will only get worse. The only person who can help with that is himself. So get your exit plan in place, quickly, with the help of experts.
As awful as it sounds, his father is the old person here. It’s not his responsibility to support the two of you. It was nice that he was willing to do so for this long. Perhaps, he, like you, is just trying to save himself and have some peace in his own last years.
Kidney disease, and other disease processes can cause toxins to build up in the body, causing personality changes that can be dangerous. While the behavior results are not the fault of anyone, they can be impossible to live with. Doctors treating your husband should be educated to know this, and be able to tell the difference between an asshat and a person exhibiting a disease symptom. They should be directing you to the appropriate social services and not complaining to you, unless their comments are intended apprise you that he is making a choice and that frees you up to make choices of your own.
Another hard truth is that you have responsibility for your own choices and behavior and while life is hard, there are choices you have made that have made your life worse. Acknowledging that can help you live more peacefully if you stay. And be crucial in making a new life for yourself if you go, because if you don’t, you will be taking those bad choices with you and you will find yourself just as unhappy.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter