Help help help. I finally accused my mother of being crazy.

Several things to realize:

1 - she might not remember - THEN IGNORE THE WHOLE SITUATION - if she can't remember a confrontation like that she needs to be supervised 100% of time

2 - people who see things can be a danger to themselves & others - make sure there are no guns etc that she can get hold of - she may try to 'fix' her problem with BIL by shooting him - or do something to start a fire etc

3 - she needs to be cared for by professionals A.S.A.P. - some meds may help

4 - if mom is 94 then you are probably in your 60's or older - this is a lot at this age - I'm 69 taking care of 92 year old mom who is in an NH - so start looking at you, hubby, BIL, etc - what are all those health issues + mom=stress - that is probably bad overview - get mom secured in an appropriate facility now to relieve the stress on the rest of you

I can so relate. Have just moved my mother in with me about a month ago. She is 93, beginnings of dementia and so difficult. She will push my buttons until she knows I will speak up and say something back. I don’t like to be involved in a heated discussion but I’m only human.
Give yourself a break. She won’t remember. She will scream at me one minute and everything is ok the next.
I cannot afford to put her into a nursing home, like most people say just put her in a home. It’s not always possible.
When you know you are doing all you can then give yourself credit for doing that.

I saw this with my grandmother and then my mother. All you can do is ignore it and change the subject. Sometimes that is due to a UTI but if she doesn’t have one, her mind is just getting worse especially at her advanced age. My mother is in a skilled nursing facility now. It is impossible to converse with them when they get like that and they are worse some days than others. Just part of the dreaded dementia is my best guess. My grandmother accused everybody in the family of stealing from her and we were all upset at first until the doctor said do not argue with her. She had diabetes and was on meds and 86 years old. We ignored it and changed the subject and that alone kept everybody from stressing out. You will understand this after a while. It took a little while for us to learn to smile and move on to a different subject. All you can do. Good luck.

If she is in Independent Living can you have a meeting with the Director and talk about the situation? Suggest a move to Assisted Living without making a big deal of it. Possible, if it is a matter of locations in the facility tell her that they are going to "renovate the room she is in and she will have to relocate to another room. Move all her things into the AL room. If she asks to go back to her old room tell her that it is not done yet, they found problems and she has to stay where she is.
repeat when you have to move her to Memory Care if you have to.

A side note if the Hallucinations are new or more common you might want to schedule a visit with her Doctor to discuss this and the anxiety that goes with it. The hallucinations might be an indication of other problems.

This behavior only gets worse! The VA put my 71 year old husband in a nursing home after i had the cops haul him to the VA . He got so mad when I told him there is no second floor in our trailor, he tried to strangle our 44 year old son. He swore someone stole the porch! NEVER HAD A PORCH! When I take him out for a visit, He can't wait to go back to the nursing home. Please do something before things get out of hand. They become very mad, because you called them a lair. In their mind they are always right, and you are wrong. I got a medical warrent, for his saftey and ours.

Do not stress over snapping at her. It is a normal reaction when you are thrown into this different world with your mother. It is a shock and different every day it seems and extremely tough on family members.
My mother was afraid of someone breaking in which I found to be ridiculous because she lived in a very nice independent living facility. She was taken to the emergency room because supposedly someone broke in and shoved her. I went to her apartment the following day to get her things because the hospital was keeping her for evaluation. When I realized she had chairs against the door I then knew whatever was happening in her mind was fearful. I learned that night that her fears were very real to her - logic no longer applies. The hallucinations, the stories they are real to her if only for moments at a time. This is a hurtful time for you, her and family members. But at the same time it is an unknown territory for all of you.
There is a very tough journey ahead for you but know there is some help.
The right medications will help and the right facility is important. But it may take quite a while for her to realize she is in a different and safe place. Personally, I have found it helpful to visit more often but keep visits short. No long discussions or arguments. Things don’t make sense to any of you but try to realize how scared she probably is.
Good luck to you and this daily site is very comforting I think.

Don't bring it up again. It will, in time, fade into the background. Good grief. No one is God, but HIM.

Dear Lightening,

It is human to reach our limits, and completely understandable when we feel guilt for what we’ve said or done. Mom WILL forget what happened.

Let it go. You have a long road and a lot of work ahead of you to support your Mom through the progression of dementia and aging.

I agree with others that a medical assessment is an important first step. Schedule Mom to see a geriatrician if available, and request a neuropsychiatric evaluation if possible. 

The sooner a doctor can identify the nature of the dementia/problem, the sooner Mom can get the appropriate care and possibly medications. 

Start looking for assisted living or a nursing home. But, don’t do it alone. Enlist the assistance of a local or state agency on aging, a social worker or case manager, and be ready to consider an application to Medicaid.

Remember to be kind to yourself.  Best of luck to you.

Hi Lightening. So sorry for your situation. It is so difficult when your loved ones mind is miss firing. My suggestion would be to find a couple of assisted living facilities that you like and set up a luncheon with a couple of their residents and the representatives and just talk and see if she might like the living arrangements. I really thought my father would hate his facility but it was really, really good. She might adore it s well. Good luck to you!

Your mother needs HELP! If she was bleeding you’d call 911. Is she had chest pain you’d all 911. This is no different. Just call 911 and say that she is a danger to herself. A 94 year old who is delusional and hallucinating should not be living independently. She won’t know that you called; she’ll forget how she got to a hospital. You can plan placement with their social worker.

My Mom had LBD and used to hallucinate. More hearing things then seeing them, but it was scary. At first I tried to snap her out of it, I begged and pleaded and talked sense but nothing worked. So I started to go along with it. We put her on different meds and then moved her to a home where she seemed to calm down and she settled in..

Calm down. She won't remember.

Welcome to our world--you are human!

Big hug!!!

At 94 most people need at least some kind of assistance. I spent 2 years (and many tours) trying to get my father to accept the idea of going into assisted living. When he had his last fall and couldn't figure out how to get to his medical assistance alert, everyone in the medical chain recommended memory care. It was a big leap for us and we are still working out the details but at least I don't have to worry about what he is doing at night when no one is there to keep track of him. Being "demented" sounds worse than "having dementia". It's like the difference between being disabled and having a disability. You are still the person you always were with a handicap to work around. We are all crazy in some sense. Please engage the help of her doctor and have a family meeting to determine how you are going to approach your mother on the subject of getting her assistance so the entire family can cope.

The “false beliefs” & hallucinations with animals were all a part of my mom’s Lewy Body Dementia at midstage. She had others stealing pretty regularly (from jewelry to Xmas cards) and saw animals (small non threatening cats & rabbits) & even had IL staff meeting in her apt when she went on an outing as her apt had “good lighting” (Lol, 3rd floor corner apt). But real to her and no amount of reality check by myself or others would change it. They did not stop per se but rather shifted into an acceptance by her & not mentioned with the same pressing drama that “something needed to be done about it NOW!” over tImo as Lewy progressed to later stages.

My mom was in IL when they shifted into higher gear. Staff at IL brought it up when it started to present issues for them. Like mom called the police more than once and wanted another resident arrested for stealing. Ah fun times. I got mom (slightly older than yours) moved from IL to a NH within about 5 mos of the police calls incidents. She did NOT do AL phase but did the jump to hyperspace from IL to NH. Really you may want to look into moving having her assessed for needing a higher level of care & be proactive in this before it becomes a crisis situation & she has a 30 Day Notice to move from the IL.

If your not not sure what type of dementia she has, you might want to google Lewy Body Dementia. It’s pretty different at earlier phases than Alzheimer’s. Lewy keep them very high functioning in thier ADLs so they seem very very ok (like can manage at their home or in IL) but have episodes of false beliefs. Personally i think these happen when there’s a plaque breakdown in their brain or a TIA happens. For us, Excelon was the drug of choice for Lewy & worked well for early & mid stages. Some psych / behavior meds should NEVER ever be given to those with Lewy so you do need to try to determine which dementia she probably has. My mom saw a teaching hospital based gerontology group for diagnosis and stage testing and she was totally Lewy by thier standards.

Hallucinations with animals and a shuffling (flat footed) walk and Visual distortions (like flooring & roads look different than they actually are) are all hallmarks of Lewy. Good luck.

Oh gosh yes I remember your thread about the talking cat!

What assessments have been done, though, remind me? Has your mother seen a neurologist or any other kind of specialist?

I feel for you, as I’ve been where you are. You must tell her Dr. all that she’s saying and or doing. The right medication can give her mind relief from the frightening things, that in her mind, are real. The sooner the better for all of you.
It sounds like she definitely has dementia.
God bless you!

94 is good . do not take things serious you need to stay cool ..there is no sense to cry over spilled milk ...just let it go in one ear & out the other ..so if need to be if she insist you to call the police go where she cannot hear you ..tell them her situation & tell them to play along with her & make up stuff like that it was a nother person that did it & they got them matter of fact do not call them could call a trusty relative or so & act like you are talking to the police & just act out they got the person that did it ...i got lucky my mom claimed to be raped ,,no way i was out side working on my car she yells call the cops ..so i did what i told you & she the cop was great she played a long & explain to her seargent of what happen & so they caught the guy but not ,,,so keep that in mind go slow dont mess up then it will be real hard to do & i bet she will forget it later .. was kinda fun so good luck

A similar situation occurred with my mom& she ordered me out of her house. Before I left I told her that if she really thought any of us would steal from her that there was something g seriously wrong & she needed to see her dr. A month went by & she wanted to see me again but nothing happened immediately. 6 months went by & she fell & broke her leg. I told the dr she could not go home unless she could walk. He sent her to a rehab & from there we got her into assisted living. When I cleaned her house I found a paper from her personal physician with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s Disease. She has continued inpatient now in a SNF. It’s been 6 years & she’s 92. I know your pain...

Do not feel upset or out of sync. WE ARE ALL CRAZY. All sad internally and depressed over a ton of different circumstances. YOU have two choices: Accept your Mothers' so called crazy talk (thank God she has lived long enough to enjoy talking as she wishes given her mental diagnosis) and unsnap back into sanity yourself OR accept the things about your Mother you CANNOT CHANGE and assist the bigger picture of caring for Mother RIGHT WHERE SHE IS AT. Getting to realizations with Mother is a fantasy and you know this....it is also time consuming, costly and from the heart JUST NOT CORRECT IN ACTION!

Dear LightningRod, Are you near Phoenix? There is a terrific support group for adult children whose parents have dementia. You will get lots of support and answers there.

Adult Child Support Group
When – Meets the last Tuesday of each month, 5:15 – 7:15 p.m.  
Where – Banner Alzheimer’s Institute, 901 E. Willetta St., Phoenix, First Floor Education Room

You can call APS (adult protective services) and they will visit your mother and do a needs assessment. That's an excellent starting place. I know this is overwhelming. There's little we can do for our elders other than get them well taken care of in a safe place. There's a lot that can be done for us in dealing with the difficult emotions that come losing a parent while there are right in front of us. The meeting is this coming Tuesday. Hope to see you there.

If you absolutely cannot get her out of her house to the doctor, maybe you could make an appointment for yourself for a consultation with a geriatric specialist. Or contact your local Office on Aging and try to find someone you can consult with. You need some professional advice and help in developing a game plan for your mother's care.

It’s time to change your mindset and become the adult in this matter. I had to change from being my mother’s daughter to being the “alpha” professional for her. There is too much we can’t predict with behavioral issues and if anything happened and we did not act in accordance with making things happen to help them, then we would feel terrible for the rest of our lives. Be the tough guy here and get her the help she needs. This is bigger than you and her and she needs help. And you need help. Be firm and professional. It’s a new role for you, but one that will feel right when you practice it for a while. It’s best for her and for you.

So sorry to hear about your situation. My mother lives with me and it is a 24/7 battle. I want to mention that a lot of people on here say that someone might have a (UTI- Urinary Tract Infection) and that might be causing mental problems. Doctors usually prescribe antibiotics for it. But those can cause other mental AND physical problems. There is an all natural cure for UTI’s. It’s called “ D-MANNOSE. You can get it in powder form and it tastes and looks like powdered sugar. I have taken it myself for 20 years now and I have researched it to death and they say it has no side affects and you can take it with food or on an empty stomach. I don’t take it past 3pm because for some reason it keeps me up. I take several medications and I have never had any reaction ( and I am super sensitive to most things!) It’s very easy to take, just mix it in with any kind of liquid or sprinkle it on anything. If you use liquid, try to only use about 1/4 -1/2 cup. It comes from cranberries and is the ingredient in cranberry juice that makes cranberry juice the thing to take for UTI’s. One tablespoon 3 x a day for a few days and then a maitenance dose of one treaspoon once a week should keep any older person free of a UTI. I give it to my 97 year old mom. You can get it online at iherb. They have a good price and if you use this free code LIN940, you can get $5 off.
Please tell everyone you know about D-Mannose, because antibiotics are so bad for you in most cases. I always had UTI,s and must have taken antibiotics for ten days each time. I had the UTI’s about once every three months from age 18 to 45, until I found out about this miracle stuff! By the way, it stops the UTI pain and burning and fever within about 30-45 minutes. It truly is a miracle! Oh, and it works like this: Bad bacteria get into the urethra( the tube that urine flows out of from the bladder) and they hold on to the mucosal lining. That causes inflammation and pain. When you take the D-mannose, the bad bacteria like it and hold on to it and get flushed out with the urine. It’s as simple as that! Good luck and God bless!

Hi there,
My mother has spent the last 72 yrs of her life only seein* a doctor for childbirth 40 plus years ago. She recently had a stroke in May. She will argue about EVERYTHING to ANYONE. I have realized that when I look back at her behavior through the years she has always been stubborn. We fight, argue and yes she goes off the rails, thinks she lives in a jail cell, and is treated like a child 80% of the time. The fact that she is NOT living with you is a miracle.....my mother does live with me and has for some time. I have found that either A. I become a raving lunatic because of all this or
B. I treat her like I would a stranger when she has these terrible days.
I keep the positive because the negative can swallow you whole.
At this point there might be the ability to do what I did with my mother......Make the doctors appointment......let them know how this might go.....and if you cannot get them to come to her....have her meet them in their parking lot if possible. You see, I have found that with my stubborn argumentative mother......she was just SCARED....plain and simply SCARED.... You might need to remind yourself that when she was younger.....doctors were the devil. You only went to them if you were dead, dying, or missing a limb period. From one daughter to another ........ This is hard but remember....YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!!!!!!

How do you get a person with dementia to realise that she has dementia?

Do you spot the obvious circular problem in that question?

Stop waiting for your mother to realise anything. She has dementia (possibly other things too, or even instead, I should ask her PCP to investigate uti's for example) and she is therefore necessarily not going to realise.

Please don't think I don't feel for you. I will never forget the misery of addressing my mother in front of her GP and hearing myself say "and sometimes, frankly, you're just barking - !" Mother didn't show any sign of offence, and our lovely doctor stifled a smile, but the fact remains that you feel a heel spelling it out like that.

Mind you, if your mother has got to 94 with no prior history of dementia and no obvious underlying causes of it and this current situation is therefore exceptional for her, I should find out more about what's going on before you despair. How long has the crazy talk been happening?

Will she even remember that you snapped and said she was crazy? Probably not.

Oh sweetheart - so many of us have been and are in your shoes. My mother has dementia/Alzheimer’s and she also refuses to see a doctor. Well - she refuses to see a neurologist or psychologist/psychiatrist. She will not admit that she has issues other than getting old.

Her anger, fits of rage and depression continues to get worse. We told mom on Tuesday that she was still going to get charged for the appointment if we don’t show up to the neurologist. Mom went but became belligerent, very angry and started screaming and she needed to be moved into a back room.

Yesterday things got so bad - she has a caregiver that is with her - that the crisis center and police were called. She is now at the hospital where she is being assessed.

I just spent an hour on the phone with the hospital psychiatrist. Mom does have a UTI that can cause some of these issues, but it’s time to take the bull by the horns and help your mom.

As hard as it is, remember that this isn’t the person you knew. She can’t help it. It’s like she is on this very dizzy merry-go-round with no way off. She’s scared and everything is a jumbled mess.

We, on the other hand, can get off the vicious circle.

Make sure you are the medical POA and POA for for money. I’m now fighting with my brother who is the POA for mom’s money. I’ve been working hard to get her into a memory care facility, but my brother has done underhanded things. I’ve now sought out an attorney.

Hang in there. Work on getting mom to a doctor however you have to. Most importantly - take care of yourself. This for us is a stressful and upsetting time yet we need to help them to hopefully live out their last remaining years on this earth happy and with dignity - in the best environment being cared for by staff that will ensure her every need.

God bless.

Aloha lightning rod,
I think at some point we've all been there. I definitely have been there and back and back again. This maniacal behaviour drives even family members crazy not knowing what is going on in their loved one's mind because either she's not seeking the help and/or is able to deny anything is wrong. Someone she trusts needs to go with her to a doctor's appointment so you can discuss treatment for this behavior especially being at her age. It could possibly be a UTI. Elderly react in this way instead of the common signs of fever and constant minimal urine output. After stepping away from the situation, you realize theres more to it than that. If you join her at an appointment, you would be able to help the doctor understand what she's experiencing as well as everyone else and receive proper care via medication, counseling and necessary tests. Hang tight and dont forget to breathe.

Visiting Physicians' Group sounds like an excellent idea if there is one in your area. That way, they come to her and it might be less scary. Another thing you could try would be to make the doctor appt, then take mom to lunch and just "happen" to stop by the doctor's office on the way back.

Also, does anyone have medical POA? If not, it would probably be wise to talk to an attorney and seek emergency guardianship once you are able to talk to the doctor and get a diagnosis. It doesn't sound like she is mentally competent, and she will need someone to advocate for her with regard to her health and make sure she is in a living environment suited to her needs.

I'd figure a way to get her to a doctor, regardless of what measures, I might have to take. Have you consulted with an attorney in her jurisdiction?

You also could report what is happening to Adult Protective Services and ask them to investigate. I would treat it as an emergency for a couple of reasons. Having hallucinations and a lapse with realty can be very scary and confusing to the patient. It can cause emotional and mental distress that is not healthy.

And, the hallucinations or delusions may cause her to hurt herself, due to her believing they are real. We had a family friend who was frightened because he thought many children were running around in his home. He ran outside into the street, fell, fractured his hip and never recovered.

I'd go online to You tube and look at videos by Teepa Snow about dementia. If that is what she has, she needs help, medical care and supervision. Trying to convince her to stop thinking that way, stop having hallucinations, stop saying certain things, is really not going to work and in fact, just make things worse. I'd work on ways to comfort her and help her feel less scared. She's likely afraid to tell you how scared she is.