How do you help a parent to understand the purpose of a POA?

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My dad is in a nursing home in Texas and want to come back to Ohio. Dad is not able to take care of himself and my step mother is not able to take care of him. He has run out of insurance, he thinks he has long-term care with the VA because he is a veteran. I checked with the VA and they say he does not have long term care. I'm trying to find alternative care, like a nursing home in Ohio. The nursing home or the VA will not talk with me unless I have information about his finances with means I need a Power of Attorney to gain access to his accounts. I'm trying to help him and I feel like giving up sometimes, my step is no help because she doesn't comprehend things, but she does not want to give up the control. They have two houses and both homes are not fit for a disable person. My siblings are not understanding the purpose of a POA, they feel all four of us should be my Dad's POA. I spoken to my attorneys and doctors and they all say that is crazy. I want to help my Dad because he wants to come back to Ohio, but this is very frustrating for me. I shouldn't have to feel like I am the bad guy in all this.

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His doctor may be able to tell him directly but maybe you've tried that. Does your dad have a friend or a spiritual leader who he trusts? This person may break through your dad's resistance and help him understand that he needs your help to get back to Ohio and that means making you his Power Of Attorney.

Elders often hate giving up what they see as control of their finances because it seems like they are losing more control over their lives. So, an alternative may be that you tell him that this is his choice and you'll accept it, but that he is giving up a chance to go back to Ohio. He may actually go along with your idea - sort of reverse psychology.


If a friend, doctor, attorney or spiritual leader can't convince him to make you his POA, and telling him that he's making the choice doesn't help, you may have to give up, simply knowing that you've done your best. You are the good guy, so don't beat yourself up. Unless your dad can be proven incompetent in court, you won't be able to force him.

Good luck. Please let us know how this turns out.
Carol
tell him he has to permit poa to the person he thinks he can trust the most . a checking account can be opoened with multiple sibs having access to bank statements but only one having authority to make transactions . this sharing of financial info might get the other family members on board and help persuade dad .
tell him that at a point he becomes incapacitated its too late to get poa . he may pass away with his finances frozen and be tossed in a swamp ..
Perhaps your dad is worried about having control taken away from him via a PoA.
I had the PoA written so that my dad did not need to be deemed incompetent. This way I was able to explain to my dad that he was "sharing" his access with me so that I could pay his bills and take care of taxes, etc. for him. I keep him informed and "ask" his opinion on things that need to be done. When I "ask" about things, I respect his wishes if possible, but occasionally I will gently persuade him.
You've been given good advice about the POA.

Why does Dad want to come back to Ohio? Would his wife come, too? I take it they are not living together now -- Dad's in NH and Wife is in one of their two homes? Where would she live in Ohio? Are they estranged? Does Wife visit Dad often? These things don't have much to do with the question of POA, but if we knew the bigger picture we might be able to share some insights.
If your father really can't understand the purpose of your having POA then it sounds as if you've missed the boat; and if your stepmother is determined to keep control of her assets, and some of them are held jointly with your father, you're going to have problems anyway. Do he and your step mother have their own attorney? It might be a good idea to ask a specialist in elder care to look at them as a package and suggest ways forward.
If she is paying her own bills to Assisted Living, she must still be competent enough to know that she will need a POA in time. Having this appointed does not preclude the afflicted individual access to their own funds, or paying their own bills- it just gives the POA authority to do so if needed..
Your step mom is in Texas and you want to bring dad home to Ohio? Just a question, does anybody care about her? Back to dad...is he competent? If yes, then have POA drawn up for him to sign. If no, get guardianship. But if all this is just to move him because he says that's what he wants today, what happens if he should want to go back to be with his wife?
Well, try this. Tell him if there is no POA then the state will take over. My mom didn't sign a Power of Attorney and the state DID take over. It took me a month to get her out of a geriatric psyche unit (and she was there because the high numbers from her diabetes affected her brain).

Doubt anyone wants the state to take over their medical care.

Now, about the VA. Why is there no long term facility care from the VA? I thought the VA took care of all people no longer able to care for themselves. I remember my dad always telling me that he had a place at the VA when he gets sick and can no longer care for himself. Has that changed?
My friend is about to go into Assisted Living. She has no family except a niece who lives in another state. Does she need someone here to have POA? If she gives it to the niece, will there be problems?
Also, it's okay if your the 'bad guy' because guess what? You're NOT! Your the person who is concerned about your parent. Stop feeling guilty and don't allow your family to make you feel bad. Quite frankly, I wish I had some siblings...I'd walk away right now and let them handle everything if they felt so competent to do so. I wouldn't feel guilty in the least especially after the last four days I've had to put up with! :) So far, I've plunged the toilet five times (she 'POOBED' and yes, that spelling is correct--that's how she tells me). I swear she uses twenty FEET of toilet paper each and every time and she doesn't tell me until the toilet bubbles up and over the floor).

So, don't feel guilty. Let them do it if they're all so smart. That's how I feel about it. Give it to them. Visit dad and tell him how much you love him and let them handle the finances and the really bad stuff that comes with that).

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