Hi fellow caregivers. I have been here before but it's been awhile, and maybe I am finally ready to be completely honest and transparent about my situation with my Mom.
So my Mom moved in with me 9 months ago, because she is in hospice and her nurse asked me to just come get her....she could not live independently anymore with her advancing COPD and dementia. We moved her into our home....but in all honesty this was not an easy decision.
Just to give some background, she was physically abusive toward me during my whole childhood, but worse...was the neglect. She actually abandoned me to her live-in boyfriend...who sexually abused me for seven years. They broke up, and she allowed me to move in with him...between 9 and 13 years of age. She knew the whole time, that his was a one bedroom apartment. She had to know it was likely I was sleeping in his bed. But she looked the other way, and to this day...pleads ignorance.
But I've tried my best to forgive. She was not highly educated, came from an abusive background herself...I've done my best to just let it go..
So now she needs help. As stated before, she is half out of her mind with dementia. I've done my best to take care of her, considering it my Christian responsibilty...until finally I could not endure any longer. I have clinical anxiety...and while it had been controlled for several years, I was having frequent panic attacks...not sleeping...weight gain...high blood pressure...
Finally made the decision to put her in a nursing home. But I am struggling with that decision. Turns out I can't see her, without weeks of notice and covid tests...visitation is only available around once every 3 weeks. Her nurse keeps in touch with me, to tell me she's so angry with me. Like I have failed her.
All of this has me so totally depressed. Whatever progress I had made in my life, with my mental health...by being separated from her, from the drama and triggering of our relationship...just feels worse than ever.
Her nurses are sending me texts, telling me how she's the sweetest...thanking me for allowing them to take care of her....make me feel like such a failure. I feel so judged by them, and extended family, for not being able to handle her at home.
I know this is a crazy situation. I would not even expose this openly except for the fact that I feel so alone, and desperate. Has anyone out there had to care for an abusive parent, and the feelings it brings up?