My mom is 91 and in decent health on paper. We've been to the ER twice in the last week, but after all of the tests they've run, she's simply dehydrated. She won't drink enough, or eat enough, on her own to feel better, and gets very emotional and upset if I try to get her to drink more.
She can't get herself out of bed anymore, and she tells me every morning that "she doesn't want to do this anymore" or that she just "want's to die." How long can this go on? Might she come out of it?
Many years ago, when I visited my mom in Independent Living, she would occasionally say “This isn’t living it’s just existing”. After a serious hospitalization in early 2021, she would sometimes say, mostly when she was in pain (and feeling like a burden), “Why don’t you just hit me over the head” or “Why don’t you just shoot me”. She would also ask “How did you get stuck with me”. It broke my heart.
I was told the declines I was seeing were probably because of the pain…so I was looking forward to her next pain clinic appointment. Knowing what I know now, I would have gotten a hospice evaluation earlier (instead of waiting for her PCP).
Please take care of yourself!
Don’t push her to eat/drink! It may make YOU feel better but it makes her feel worse. Keep her comfortable.
My 92 year old grandmother was always of sound mind but had so much physical and emotional pain in her life. She was in the hospital and she called me. Sounded very clear headed and calm. Said she was tired and kept saying she loved me. As soon as I hung up, I knew that was he last time I’d ever talk to her. She went comatose the next day and died peacefully the day after that. She had told me goodbye.
Your mother is ready to go. Don’t prolong her time. Give her the love and grace she deserves. Peace.
To answer your question, in general, once a loved one refuses to drink, the body usually can't survive more than a couple of days. I wish you much peace at this time.
110% of us have experienced a loved one 'simply' giving up.
I sense the question is how are you going to cope / manage the grief you will feel, whenever your mom transitions.
I ask you why you are wanting her to - or concerned with her 'come out of it?' in other words, what is your motivation or emotional/psychological pull to keep her alive at 91, esp if she says she is ready to go.
No one of us can know how a person feels inside when losing their facilities, their independence, in pain and feeling miserable day after day, moment after moment. (I believe) a person KNOWs when it is time to go. They may be intensely afraid of the transition or they may will it to happen.
While hard to write and hard to hear ... There comes a time when family needs to put their loved one first and honor their feelings vs wanting them 'here' with us for our own needs. Clearly, it is one of the hardest experiences in life to lose a parent - to grieve this huge loss. And, yet. It is the most respectful, loving gesture / mindset we can have - let them be at peace - let them go ... if this is what they want.
Gena / Touch Matters
My late mother lived until age 95 and had slept over 20 hours daily the last six months of life. Palliative care happened in her last month of life. My brother spent the last week with her until she passed away up in OR.
In my personal opinion, I do not want to live until age 90 since I am alone in CA. No local family is available, and I don’t want to burden anyone, including Medicaid.
Have a conversation during a calm moment and try not to get emotional. Tell her God takes us home when He is ready. And He has told us our body is a temple and expects us to take care of it. Remind her not moving around makes our bodies painful.
Failure to Thrive is a valid reason for Hospice to get involved.
also
VSED is also a reason to contact Hospice.
VSED is Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking.
If this is what she wants to do she should have the support of Hospice as well as family.
If you do contact Hospice they will talk to her and if this is what she truly wants to do they will support her.
With my mom, while she isn't slacking off regarding bills and getting the taxes prepared, I feel like she's showing signs. She hasn't been in town for 5 years now. She's been up and around the house less and less frequently, with her being up and out of bed 4 times this year. She's currently working with her hair dresser to get a salon chair set up in our house so her hair can be washed and colored. She doesn't want to risk getting sick and doesn't want me to be forced to lift her on and off of things several times on beauty shop appointment days, even though I never voiced any disagreement over lifting her up so much while she was in town for something. She can be heavy, but I'd rather lift her up multiple times when she's up and around the house regularly rather than see her sit in bed and only be up and around the house twice a month. I looked it up and individual physical therapy sessions are cheaper than some of the salon chairs we found online. She was outside a dozen time in 2022 and she's been outside just 4 times since then.
She's only been up and around the house for showers and the gap between her showers is getting bigger. Before she was immobile, she bathed every day. After she was recovered enough from her ankle injury to get a shower, it was twice a week. Then once a week. Then every week and a half. Now it's 2-3 weeks. And it's been years since she had both legs in the shower. For years, she's opted to keep her right leg sticking out to make it less of an inconvenience for her. She's long since stopped trying to get her legs in the shower on her own. And it's been nearly 2 years since she last got both legs off her bed by herself. She would slide them off the bed with her hands. It's been longer since she last got both legs back onto her bed unassisted, again using her hands to do it.
She had me bake brownies back on Valentine's Day and she's still eating on them at the moment. She's eaten less than half of them. She's had me cook spaghetti with alfredo sauce on a regular basis, but she's eaten less of it of late and I end up throwing out more than usual. She's only gotten 1 to-go order from our Country Club this year and that's despite them recently coming up with an easier way for members to get to-go orders lined up. Of late, she's been drinking one can of Coca-Cola instead of two. She did have 2 cans today, but her opting for one can some days has more to do with her trying to lose weight via cutting back.
Perhaps just having the discussion of bringing hospice on board might make her look at things differently and agree to drink more, if she's really not wanting to die yet, but if she is ready to just call it quits hospice is your best bet, as they will keep her comfortable until she dies.
At 91 I am sure she is tired of it all. I perhaps would be as well if I get to live that long.
And only the Good Lord knows the day and time that He will call your mom Home, so for now just enjoy whatever time you may have left with her.
He went to the hospital after some falls and while there, kept telling everyone he wanted to be euthanized. They diagnosed adult failure to thrive. He went on home hospice from there and lived another four months. He was 80 when he died. But everyone is different.
I would recommend hospice and comfort care. Taking care of people like your mother is exactly what they do.
best wishes to you.
It is very common to want to go and be ready and my patients often expressed this and then would sadly say "But my family won't listen, can't hear it, want me to be positive". What an injustice to the dignity of an elder!! They were left with sharing how they felt with a TOTAL stranger.
It is a TORTURE and a TORMENT to try to push food on someone who cannot take it, doesn't want it. Truly, it is selfish, in my humble opinion, and it denies basic human dignity and choice. I am sorry to be so brutally honest but I feel VERY STRONGLY about it, and as I am now 82 even MORE strongly.
I have given you my opinion. You are free to kick it to the curb. But please, this is about your MOM now, and her choice. Please allow it to be so.
As to predictions? Nah. Most medical folk won't make them. You can live a very long time on miniscule amounts of water in many cases.
Good luck. Please let Mom speak her truth if she is able. Please honor her truth and her wishes. I promise you you will feel easier the rest of your life for giving her that last blessing and dignity.
Best of luck to you.