I find myself losing my temper alot, (nothing physical or verbal) and that is not me, and I feel like I am failing, what should I do?

I am at the same point I lose my temper I do it 24/7 and try to explain to them if pushed too hard I will fall apart and they both would have to go to the nurseing home. they would be there today if we had a good one but we don't and why pay 7-8 thousand dollars a month for them to not be taken care better than what I am doing. They are sort of backwoods and would be made fun of. My mother is scared to death to be left alone my dad won't excerse with out me playing games with him he broke his hip almost 5 years ago and never really got going again.I live about 1/4 mile away but never really get to go home now but just a little while a day to take care of animals. My husband is being good about it for he does not want them to live with us. I am trying to hold on to family land which joints ours but there are days where if I had a million dollars I would give it up for one day off. I have one brother which is a hero in my mom's eyes. I have to take 2 naps a day as they won't let me sleep all night. I do this to keep for falling over. I miss my life I used to color my hair and dress up some I am not too good to do this but I am very weary. I look at the sunsets nature and try to tell myself this is enought but it isn't. I have lost my sprit. They have been pacrats as I have and now I want to get rid of my stash and work art with some of it but I can't. I feel really bad when I see them getting weaker and my patience is thinner but no one could carry this alone. Everything they have will be divided up in half while I do all the work and they think this is the way it should be. I will have to buy a brother out. They have no clue of what I have to do to keep them at home. My dad told me the other day he just didn't see that much I did for him. He thinks this is my duty I am not caregiver any longer I am a servent. I trully think God is making it so hard where I will let go. I will have to spend a long time after this is over cleaning up the mess. Wishing everyone a good day. Keep up the great work.

I appreciate all your concerns and comments. I feel for each of you and hope you can find the source which will aid you in this journey so that you know you are doing your utmost to provide care to your loved ones. As a caregiver I felt those feelings of failure prior to my parent's passing, but now feel them more intensely. I go over and over the would have, could have, should have of every day life and of the final weeks and wish I could find some resolution. Peace to each of you.

You are NOT alone. And you are NOT failing. I can relate to what you are going through. I lost my dad in 2008, and I've been with my mom ever since. Actually, I moved back in the house with mom in 2005 when dad went into a nursing home. I'm an only child, so everything falls on me. It's gotten to the point where mom doesn't even try anymore, and I feel like I've taken on dad's role and more. And the thing is, mom isn't even in poor health, so there's no reason for her to rely 100% on me. I'm tired, angry, and I cry a lot. As a matter of fact I'm crying right now. No matter how much I do, it never seems to be good enough. Mom can be cruel and says the most hurtful things. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone tells me to take time to "take care of YOU." But I have less and less time to do that, and it's really taking a toll on me. Caregiving has to be the hardest job of all. If anyone out there has any answers or suggestions, I'm listening.

Don't know if you have the patience but the UK did some great research concerning stroke patients some years ago.They proved that the affected parts of the body could be retrained to function.It took time but over the coarse of a year most of these subjects were using their affected legs, hands again.The technique was similar to teaching a baby.Start with picking up larger (light objects) and on from there.

I hate myself. My mom has demnitia for years and I am the one who is taking care of her. she is a very good mother all her life.
I love mom very much. I quit a professional job to take care of her. her hygiene is poor . some times she refuse to change or wash her . I spend one hour trying to convince her to be cleaned after that I loose my temper and scream loud. some times I spend two hours to convince her. The problem when she is not clean she touch every thing and cause me feel disgusted.

I hate myself when I loose my temper. some times I wish I die. I get a lot of thoughts to kill myself. even I do not dare to do that.

I hate myself a lot . I dont want to yale at my dear mother. I want to please her.

Of course you love your mother, Hope14, and you want to please her. You also want what is safe and good for her. Because of her dementia she often cannot or will not cooperate with your very reasonable expectations. This is frustrating! Yelling doesn't help, but it is a very human reaction. It doesn't mean you are evil or unworthy. It just means that you are doing a very difficult job and you aren't perfect.

You have been doing this for years. Dementia gets worse over the years. This job is getting harder and harder. You need and deserve some help! You need help taking care of Mother, and also help with your own feelings. And the most urgent help you need is with your suicidal thoughts. Here is a single page website with numbers you can call in OK: https://www.ou.edu/content/police/psafe/number-nyne-crisis-center.html Please look at it, print it out, and have it ready when you are feeling overwhelmed. You are helping your mother and you deserve someone helping you!

Both Mother and you deserve to have some in-home help. If you can get away and have some time to yourself regularly you are less likely to get overwhelmed. You are conscientious and caring. You are willing to seek help -- or you wouldn't have found this site and posted. Now contact the OK aging services department within Human Services. This site has the phone numbers: http://www.okdhs.org/programsandservices/aging/

Come back and tell us how things are going. We care!

Hi Hope14,
You've already done far more than a lot of people could. It's definitely time for professional help for your mom. I know that you love her very much. That is one reason to get help from the outside.

Caregivers burnout. That's where you are and for a very good reason. You are not a failure. Your mother's disease has reached a point where she may need to be in a nursing home. At the very least, you could call an in-home service in your community and see if they take Medicare for a weekly showering. I've been told that they do. Even so, you are struggling with much more than that.

Your mom would feel terrible if she could understand what this is doing to you. Unfortunately, her brain disease makes it impossible for her to "get" this. So, you have to think of her when she was well and remember that she'd have hated to have your give up your life and your health to take care of her.

Type the name of your state in your browser and type "aging" next to it - Oklahoma aging. This will give your the department of aging for your state. There are many links to choose from in order to get connected with local services. I see that your state is on the PACE (Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly) which is wonderful. Try that link. They are likely able to send help to you.

The bottom line if that you need help both for your mom and yourself. A burned out caregiver is bound to have a sharp temper and say or do things that they aren't happy with. That is not failing - it's natural burnout.

If you are feeling suicidal, call 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-SUICIDE (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline). Careline at 405-848-CARE is also good option.

Re-read Jeannegibb's excellent answer to you, as well. We are all behind you. Please get back to us and let us know how you are doing. We'd like to know if PACE or another agency in Oklahoma is helping you.

Taking action – such as coming to Agingcare – is one good step forward. Now take more action by getting help for your mom and yourself.

Blessings,
Carol

I do not have any answers. I get extremely angry & frustrated with aunt & uncle. I cannot unload on them but I get quiet & somewhat distant. Uncle senses this & becomes even more childish & petulant than he already is. I think if they had been nice people before the onset of dementia/AZ I MIGHT have more sympathy...but they were not. Someone told me to just look at this as a job & try to detach. That has helped some. I eagerly await the day when I can permanently leave.