Caring for my mom who had a massive stroke in 09, can't move her left arm and minimal on her left leg, right mind but she is so depressed and talks about missing my dad who died in 96, feel like I can't do anything right
The hard part is over.
I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes.
You've already done far more than a lot of people could. It's definitely time for professional help for your mom. I know that you love her very much. That is one reason to get help from the outside.
Caregivers burnout. That's where you are and for a very good reason. You are not a failure. Your mother's disease has reached a point where she may need to be in a nursing home. At the very least, you could call an in-home service in your community and see if they take Medicare for a weekly showering. I've been told that they do. Even so, you are struggling with much more than that.
Your mom would feel terrible if she could understand what this is doing to you. Unfortunately, her brain disease makes it impossible for her to "get" this. So, you have to think of her when she was well and remember that she'd have hated to have your give up your life and your health to take care of her.
Type the name of your state in your browser and type "aging" next to it - Oklahoma aging. This will give your the department of aging for your state. There are many links to choose from in order to get connected with local services. I see that your state is on the PACE (Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly) which is wonderful. Try that link. They are likely able to send help to you.
The bottom line if that you need help both for your mom and yourself. A burned out caregiver is bound to have a sharp temper and say or do things that they aren't happy with. That is not failing - it's natural burnout.
If you are feeling suicidal, call 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-SUICIDE (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline). Careline at 405-848-CARE is also good option.
Re-read Jeannegibb's excellent answer to you, as well. We are all behind you. Please get back to us and let us know how you are doing. We'd like to know if PACE or another agency in Oklahoma is helping you.
Taking action – such as coming to Agingcare – is one good step forward. Now take more action by getting help for your mom and yourself.
Keep coming to this site and venting also, it really helps! :)
There's a great article here (https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-152629.htm) that was liberating for me. Yes, I tried to fix it all when I came to live with my mom and, 3 months in, felt like a failure.
Now, I look at it as the article suggests - at the end of the day, is she safe? Yes, at least as safe as I can make her, given the parameters she's set for me.
Is she clean? Well...mostly. :-) If I suggest I offer to help her shower or wash her hair...she says, no, I'll do it and she does.
Is she fed? Well...again, mostly. If she refuses to eat, I put her dinner away and eat my own.
Is she warm? Yes, I paid the electric bill.
Is she medicated properly? Yes, because I will NOT give up control of her meds, no matter what she wants.
Have I advocated for her? You betcha. Always and forever. Wound care wants to drop a feeding tube in her? Over my dead body. The physical therapy assistant at the rehab center refuses to work with her as I direct? Who tells her that she can't go home because she won't do as he says? New physical therapist who will work with her to keep her as safe as possible within my mother's parameters (yeah, that pta was a real jerk, LOL!).
Is she well-cared for? Well, I think she is, to the best of my ability and within the parameters she has set. Would I like to have her accept outside help? Of course. Would I like her to be in assisted living? Yup. But she won't and she isn't, so I deal as best I can with the hand that's been dealt me.
I'm not saying I don't lose my temper anymore. I do. But less frequently and less, um, explosively. I, too, apologize. But most of the time now, I kind of mentally throw up my hands and walk away. When it's bad enough, I drive away. I go shop, I go eat lunch out, I go do something JUST FOR ME.
And that all helps.
I read another article here that talks about putting yourself into THEIR reality instead of trying to drag them into YOUR reality. That helps too.
Good luck in finding what works for you - all these suggestions are great. You'll need to find the right combination that works for you...and I know you will! It'll take a while and, yes, it's a journey, but you'll get there.
I also had anger/depression issues as I began to care for mom (and dad) after the stroke. There are many ways to deal with these issues. Talk to your doctor if you can. For me, medication wasn't the answer, but talk therapy, exercise and meditation helped. It's important to remember that unless you care for yourself first, you won't be properly able to care for your mother.
I wish you the best.
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