How do you handle basthroom issues with an older parent?

Why do you think it isn't cognitive?

He is all there, it is just his being lazy. I think he is having some bladder issues he has spoke about before. Thought that was being done via meds. Maybe it is, not sure how to go about it other than just blurting it out. Then he gets his feeling hurt. I guess I have to have the conversation, just awkward.

Not sure about son-in-law and his dirty laundry, but, with seniors who previously did not have trouble in the bathroom, it's usually caused by some kind of medical or cognitive reason. I might check his vision first. Does he seem to have trouble seeing other things without glasses? Has he had an eye exam lately?

If it's not vision, I'd suspect cognitive decline. Hygiene and bathroom issues are huge warning signs, based on my experience and from what I have read. Even though you say, it's not that, I'd reconsider. I recall when my cousin first started with cognitive decline. I would explain her behavior and a couple of people said it sounded like dementia. I said NO WAY, because she didn't seem to have that, imo, but, that's exactly what it was. Her first signs were bathroom and dirty clothes issues. She soon progressed to have very severe dementia.

If it is cognitive decline, then, the options are limited. The only real way to avoid it is to accompany the person to the bathroom and ensure they do it properly. Maybe, there are some devices that attach to the toilet to make it larger are available, though, I haven't seen anything like that. (Only higher.) But, complaining, pleading, and reminding, really don't make a difference as the person will forget what you said and/or their brain does not allow them to adjust their behavior.

I believe that getting your dad a complete neurocognitive workup would be a prudent thing to do. You have been reporting signs that sound like the beginnings of dementia for more than a year. Various folks have suggested an evaluation for that long.

Now is the time, TG.

Have you suggested that he sit while using the toilet?

I won't go into detail about my dad's bathroom as it still horrifies me to this day but the day I recognized there was a problem I dressed myself out like a HazMat worker and brought every cleaning product under the sun in with me. Plus a box of gloves and a mask. I did this while my dad wasn't home so as not to embarrass him and I got the job done. I had no idea he was having.....issues. After the initial deep clean-up I kept my eye on the bathroom and never let it get that way again. But it was not pleasant to say the least.

Also, people who have dementia often do have bladder and bowel issues. My cousin was incontinent not long after her diagnosis.

Of course, a full neurological exam would be an excellent idea to rule some things out and figure out what the problem is.

I'd speak with his Primary too, if you think it's just his bladder. But, how does that explain not washing his hands and smeared feces? I'd speak to his Primary about it.

All good things, We have the same Dr so when I go later this month I will talk with him while I am there. No dementia issues that I am aware of, Keeping an eye on that. Need to encourage him to sit more. As for the SIL... the smell of cigarettes, beer and dirty clothes creeps into the hall.... will have to decon the room when they move out (and take the bed with them). UGH!, I am VERY sensitive to smells, Cant go to the mall (they pump in air scent) and places that have candles and perfumes so this gets overpowering. The SIL is just lazy... all I am saying.
Will have the talk with dad later today. He had nightmares this AM and was screening in his sleep (had to wake him to stop) and then a few inutes later he fell out of bed.... oh what fun...

I'd take notes about things with dad for the doctor, sleep issues, falling out of bed, toileting problems, not washing hands, etc. He can taylor some tests to figure it out.

It sounds like SIL is not helping matters. I'm sensitive to smells too. I can tolerate bleach though, as it doesn't hang around too long. Plus, while I like to be green when possible, if it's a bio-hazard kind of mess, I feel that bleach is required.

Lazy nope... Dementia yeppers.. I can not tell you HOW many boxes of Pooh we have found hidden.. in closets, in drawers, boxes you name it. This is from a woman that has limited mobility, but EXTREME mobility when the Dementia sister/other half comes a visiting.. Be patient, take pictures, and clean up without complaining. As I venture more and more into this process TBH each day is completely different to you to them, Just pull your big boy/girl panties up and come vent here,lol.

TG, what dementia symptoms are you waiting for?

I'm genuinely curious. You've got several posters here telling you that your dad's "bad habits" and "laziness" are all signs we saw in our elders that were a clearcut indication of cognitive decline.

Just lazy? No. A healthy responsible adult does not become too lazy to pee in the toilet just because they are old. Doesn't happen.

Sometimes it is a vision problem. If the toilet, toilet bowl, and floor around it are all light colored it can be harder to see where to aim. This should be resolved by sitting down every time. It can also help to put a colorful rug in front of the toilet and/or using a cleaning-tab thing that makes the toilet water green or blue.

It could be a cognitive issue and this seems more likely, as other poor bathroom practices are involved.

You say "He is all there, it is just his being lazy." And falling out of bed. And screaming in his sleep. Hmmm ...

Why can't you and your wife take vacations or go out to dinner together or a play or have a whole day out of there? Why can't Dad be left alone? In what sense do you have to be a caregiver? What are his impairments?

Does dad have mobility problems and can't unzip in time ?

Is he in a full size bed?

While mom's mobility was a significant factor in her not making it to the loo in time it was her denial of the trail of pee from her bed to the bathroom that irked me the most and obviously was dementia rearing its ugly head

I wiped the rug with a wet sponge and borax and mopped the tile bathroom floor every morning sometimes after stepping in the puddle since I'm nearsighted
At least she learned to toss her wet pants into the tub rather than leave them in the sink

Of course a puddle of pee is nothing compared to a trail of explosive diarrhea - a depends can't contain that

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's bathroom issues. Will your dad consider using Depends? Men's Depends products are more like underwear and that might be easier for you dad to accept. Also is a bed side commode an option? I know there are no easy answers. And its not pleasant for others to clean up. I would also consider taking your dad for an evaluation and see if there are other reasons he is making these messes.

I know its not easy living and caring for an elderly parent. My other suggestion is hiring a cleaner for both your dad's room and son-in-law's room once a week to control the smell. Given your dad's age this might be the best option. Or do you think it might be time to consider a nursing home for his increasing care?

I can't imagine this is easy for your dad. He might even be embarrassed. And this why he doesn't say anything about the messes.