How do you handle basthroom issues with an older parent?

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Dad is 81, he shares a bathroom in the hall. We have our own bathroom. It has been getting worse with the messes. Mostly the urine missing the toilet. The other evening while making dinner I had to clean up the large puddle floor in front of the toilet (while I was prepping dinner)? He doesn't wash his hands and I have found poo in places it shouldn't be. It is not a cognitive issues, more of lazy. The smell is starting to really get to me since my wife and I keep a clean home. Don't get me started on my son in laws nasty smelling room of unwashed clothes. Between both of their rooms the smell is horrible. Neither my dad or my daughter were raised that way and I do speak up. The issues with the missing the toilet is getting to me. How have others brought the delicate subject of aim and habits up?

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I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's bathroom issues. Will your dad consider using Depends? Men's Depends products are more like underwear and that might be easier for you dad to accept. Also is a bed side commode an option? I know there are no easy answers. And its not pleasant for others to clean up. I would also consider taking your dad for an evaluation and see if there are other reasons he is making these messes.

I know its not easy living and caring for an elderly parent. My other suggestion is hiring a cleaner for both your dad's room and son-in-law's room once a week to control the smell. Given your dad's age this might be the best option. Or do you think it might be time to consider a nursing home for his increasing care?

I can't imagine this is easy for your dad. He might even be embarrassed. And this why he doesn't say anything about the messes.
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Does dad have mobility problems and can't unzip in time ?

Is he in a full size bed?

While mom's mobility was a significant factor in her not making it to the loo in time it was her denial of the trail of pee from her bed to the bathroom that irked me the most and obviously was dementia rearing its ugly head

I wiped the rug with a wet sponge and borax and mopped the tile bathroom floor every morning sometimes after stepping in the puddle since I'm nearsighted
At least she learned to toss her wet pants into the tub rather than leave them in the sink

Of course a puddle of pee is nothing compared to a trail of explosive diarrhea - a depends can't contain that
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Just lazy? No. A healthy responsible adult does not become too lazy to pee in the toilet just because they are old. Doesn't happen.

Sometimes it is a vision problem. If the toilet, toilet bowl, and floor around it are all light colored it can be harder to see where to aim. This should be resolved by sitting down every time. It can also help to put a colorful rug in front of the toilet and/or using a cleaning-tab thing that makes the toilet water green or blue.

It could be a cognitive issue and this seems more likely, as other poor bathroom practices are involved.

You say "He is all there, it is just his being lazy." And falling out of bed. And screaming in his sleep. Hmmm ...

Why can't you and your wife take vacations or go out to dinner together or a play or have a whole day out of there? Why can't Dad be left alone? In what sense do you have to be a caregiver? What are his impairments?
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TG, what dementia symptoms are you waiting for?

I'm genuinely curious. You've got several posters here telling you that your dad's "bad habits" and "laziness" are all signs we saw in our elders that were a clearcut indication of cognitive decline.
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Lazy nope... Dementia yeppers.. I can not tell you HOW many boxes of Pooh we have found hidden.. in closets, in drawers, boxes you name it. This is from a woman that has limited mobility, but EXTREME mobility when the Dementia sister/other half comes a visiting.. Be patient, take pictures, and clean up without complaining. As I venture more and more into this process TBH each day is completely different to you to them, Just pull your big boy/girl panties up and come vent here,lol.
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I'd take notes about things with dad for the doctor, sleep issues, falling out of bed, toileting problems, not washing hands, etc. He can taylor some tests to figure it out.

It sounds like SIL is not helping matters. I'm sensitive to smells too. I can tolerate bleach though, as it doesn't hang around too long. Plus, while I like to be green when possible, if it's a bio-hazard kind of mess, I feel that bleach is required.
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All good things, We have the same Dr so when I go later this month I will talk with him while I am there. No dementia issues that I am aware of, Keeping an eye on that. Need to encourage him to sit more. As for the SIL... the smell of cigarettes, beer and dirty clothes creeps into the hall.... will have to decon the room when they move out (and take the bed with them). UGH!, I am VERY sensitive to smells, Cant go to the mall (they pump in air scent) and places that have candles and perfumes so this gets overpowering. The SIL is just lazy... all I am saying.
Will have the talk with dad later today. He had nightmares this AM and was screening in his sleep (had to wake him to stop) and then a few inutes later he fell out of bed.... oh what fun...
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Also, people who have dementia often do have bladder and bowel issues. My cousin was incontinent not long after her diagnosis.

Of course, a full neurological exam would be an excellent idea to rule some things out and figure out what the problem is.

I'd speak with his Primary too, if you think it's just his bladder. But, how does that explain not washing his hands and smeared feces? I'd speak to his Primary about it.
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Have you suggested that he sit while using the toilet?

I won't go into detail about my dad's bathroom as it still horrifies me to this day but the day I recognized there was a problem I dressed myself out like a HazMat worker and brought every cleaning product under the sun in with me. Plus a box of gloves and a mask. I did this while my dad wasn't home so as not to embarrass him and I got the job done. I had no idea he was having.....issues. After the initial deep clean-up I kept my eye on the bathroom and never let it get that way again. But it was not pleasant to say the least.
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I believe that getting your dad a complete neurocognitive workup would be a prudent thing to do. You have been reporting signs that sound like the beginnings of dementia for more than a year. Various folks have suggested an evaluation for that long.

Now is the time, TG.
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