I've been overseeing my 93 year old mother's care for decades now, coordinating home care, household needs, repairs, medical, and so on. Her dementia is so advanced now, I felt it best to move her to a memory care place in town where she still can see friends, but has a higher level of care for her condition. Her primary home care person, who genuinely loves my mom, has made this transition very hard, accusing me of callous disregard and so on, really far beyond what any family member would express. This move has cost her dearly financially, so in part I'm sure her horrible comments are fueled by that. She is not alone in expressing their dismay at my decision to move my mother. This move was difficult enough for me to orchestrate and pay for, but I simply don't know how to handle "well-meaning" people who feel it is their right to express negative opinions based on absolutely no knowledge of this place - and virtually no awareness of how I have struggled over the years to keep my mother safe and everything paid for (on a teacher's salary, no less). Is there any advice out there as to how to handle this situation? And thank means the world to me...

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We are on the edge of the same situation. My husband and I have been caring for his mother for many years... the last five 24/7 with the help of a paid employee for a few hours each day to deal with personal care. We have decided that it is no longer possible for us to give up so much of our own lives. I'm sure others in the family will have their own opinions, but I hope they keep them to themselves.

No one who hasn't dealt with a dementia patient round the clock has any right to comment.

Be strong and take care of yourself. Each of us gets only one life to live.
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mlface Dec 2018
I just put my hubby in respite care & if all works well will leave him there. My grown girls who just visited are encouraging this as I have had day help but not at nite & now realize how much better I feel w sleeping all nite. I’m 82 & hubby 88 w 11 yrs of Alz. Reports are he is loving his new place w lots of activities but sleeping they are still working w him. He needs adjustment time. I loved his caregivers who needed the money & will spread word if anyone needs paid help. Yes I miss him but I think while he can enjoy the new placement & they him I’ve done the right thing.
I am so sorry to hear people are guilt tripping you. It’s probably easy for them to be so negative as they’ve never been in your shoes.
When they say negative remarks, I would respond that your decision was to assure her safety and was the best decision for all.
Not that they have any right to comment, but take the high road and let it be. You know in your heart and much better than strangers (essentially office staff or non involved parties) what mom and you need most. Don’t blink an eye or even give an explanation; One sentence will do and you are being gracious with extending even that much information to them. You don’t owe them an explanation.
You need to take care of yourself as well. Your mother is well provided for and has been for years.
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Your mother’s caregiver was doing a job she was hired and paid to do. She is not a blood relative and even if she were, unless she was devoting as much of her life to Mom’s care as you were, she still would not have had the right to judge. She stepped over the line by criticizing her employer, which is what you are. If I were you, I would contact her agency if she works for one and suggest she takes a course in professionalism in the workplace. I work with young children and I answer the parents’ questions when they ask, but I’d lose my job if I gave them child rearing advice or told them their kid’s a brat and they’d better step up and raise them right.

If the caregiver says anything again, I would thank her for her exemplary care of Mom, but explain to her that you did not consult her when you decided to place Mom and you’d rather she kept her opinions to herself. Further comments from her will illicit a call to her supervisor.
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If the caregiver is from an agency, she will get another job. I would talk to her supervisor though if she is from an agency.

If not an agency caregiver than I can see her being upset, she lost a job. But, she has no say in family decisions. Your reasoning is none of her business. If Mom is happy then u did the right thing. Caregiving is hard. And there comes a time we just can't do it anymore.
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nikawriter, so many people have zero clue how difficult it is to take care of an elderly love one in a home setting. Each case is different but just as challenging. It can take a whole village, a village of qualified and experienced staff.

Ok, I can understand your Mom's caregiver was now losing a client, but that is the norm in that type of business. It is not fair that she is making such comments about your decision.

Just tell well-meaning people who voice their negative opinion that your decision was the "best" for the care and well being of your Mom. And that your Mom is quite happy there being around others of her generation. That is what my Dad really liked... all new sets of ears to hear his stories :)
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JoAnn29 Dec 2018
I could have never cared for my Dad. Loved him but he was a hard man to live with. He would have been happy in a NH. He would have been waited on hand and foot. 3 meals a day people to hear his stories.
Someone told me years ago to always remember “you don’t owe the world an explanation” and it’s very true. Most of us have something left over from childhood that makes us feel like we need to justify our actions, even when we know we’re doing our best. You’ve done well for your mom, I guess no one in the group around you has told you that. Rest in that knowledge, don’t feel any need to reply or justify at all. Those who don’t get it never will anyway
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I would swiftly and efficiently put anyone in their place who would have the audacity to question the hard decision you have had to make after "decades" of coordinating your mom's care! I would be polite about it with some people, but the "hired help", whether she loves your mom or not, is definitely overstepping!! I would simply tell her that it isn't her mother and ask why she thinks she has the right to question any decision you make?
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This makes me so angry! These other people are quite literally not entitled to their own opinions let alone to share them with you!!
No explanation is needed. You know you’re doing what is best for her and you’ve certainly already done all you possibly could!
Be at peace with that and know that those of us that have been in any similar situation understand fully and would never guilt you over this.
Do not judge lest you be judged! Something like that..? That’s all I’d have to say to them!
The worker has boundary issues to ever share anything of her opinion on this situation! It’s unprofessional at the least and undermining of you. Totally inexcusable and she should be reported either to her boss or her professional liscensing board.
In my experience, the type of people that cross these professional boundaries do it time and time again. As a caregiver we are expected actually care but not so much as to involve ourselves with personal issues related to our clients or patients. She probably took excellent care of your mother and even loves your mom but it does not give her a pass to express any negativity towards this situation.
She was paid for her services was she not? She didn’t go over to your mom out of the kindness of her heart to give her care! She gets no say whatsoever! Shame on her!
Well meaning or not, the comments are hurtful and I would allow great distance from you and your mom for a time. The last thing you want is for any of them to say things like this to your mom and sour her view of the situation and least of all you and your relationship with her. Even with dementia she’s likely to understand just enough of it for this to occur.
Best wishes to you and your mom!
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I have a friend who when someone says something out of line just says "Really?" And then stares at them. That’s it...and it’s quite effective and disarming. These people want to defend their opinions and by not saying more you take that satisfaction from them. You could also say "not that it’s any of your business, but I have good reasons." Period. May sound rude, but then they’re being rude. If the person is being sweet and concerned you can just say, "unless youve been there, you really have no idea about decisions like this."
You don’t have to justify why you made this decision. i would tell this person in case she want to continue to visit mom that she is not to undermine your decision to your mother.
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I'm willing to bet the caregiver is a privately paid caregiver and is upset at losing her job. Understandable, HOWEVER, that issue is totally irrelevant to what your mother needs.

As far as others and their comments, simply tell them unless they are willing to become her guardian, conservator and full-time caregiver, they have no say and their comments are not appreciated.
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