Getting even with siblings. What would you do?

Asked by

My siblings have all of a sudden become interested with Mom's health; they always stated they didn't want to take care of her. Now that she suffers from dementia, they're all concerned and especially for their 'inheritance'. My 1 sibling has decided that Mom's Will needs to be redone as SHE can't find it and it's OUTDATED and she doesn't want to lose what she thinks she should get (she doesn't understand probate laws). This sibling has already committed fraud regarding Mom's Medical POA (I was appointed) and had Mom sign a legal doc that Mom doesn't know why she had to sign it, but was told by this sibling it had to be done. What my siblings don't know is that I have researched State Law and confided with an Estate Attorney. The State Law is on my side. The Attorney says to let this sibling do what she wants as 1) she's committed fraud 2) A new Will won't be recognized per State Law and will revert to the original (I have it safe and secure). I am named as Executress, so I will be in control. I have always tried to be fair with my siblings all of my life, even taken their punishment instead of snitching. After everything that I have been put through this past year with their total lack of including me regarding Mom etc; I want to do as Mom has asked in her Will, but on the other hand I feel that since they have cut me out of the sibling circle I will do a majority of what Mom wants, but I will draw a line in the sand when it comes to the money, house and vehicles. What would you do if all of a sudden your siblings go from not caring to we need to know what to do when she dies and who gets what? FYI, I have been seeing a therapist and it was determined my depression (bi-polar) is due to exactly what these people have done to me all of my life. I actually provided home videos to make sure it wasn't in my head to my therapist (He said he never had a patient do that). My Uncle, Mom's youngest brother, agrees with me as I keep him informed of everything going on. He took care their parents too. So, it boils down to I will kick my 1 sibling out of the house immediately and change all the locks on day 1. I am going to get even and don't want the guilt, but to stand up to them and tell them to eat it.

Answers 1 to 10 of 10
Top Answer
I understand your anger, really I do.

But if you understand probate, know the state laws and are being advised by an attorney- you must also know that as executor you are legally bound to act in accordance to your mothers will - completely- not just partially.

An executor does not have the power to change or tweak the will - and a probate judge will make sure of it.

After everything you’ve been through it would be a shame to make matters worse in the name of getting even.
dkentz, first off I sympathize with you. My sibling's lack of interest, however, extended to the money. My Mom did not have much to leave us and that was never an issue.

I worry that this may have consumed you if you have gone so far as to take video and bring it to your therapist. In the end, the financial stuff will go according to the laws in place so this goal to get even may be to your own detriment. Living a happy life is the best revenge. Why not make that your goal instead. If your siblings are the pieces of trash that you make them out to be they will get whats coming to them with or without your help. Karma you know..........

Why not instead concentrate on making your Mom's last days as fulfilling as you can. All this other stuff can wait. Good luck to you.
I am so sad to read this. It was very important to my in-laws that their family of five children, spouses and grandchildren stay close after their deaths. They owned a family business and the sibs and one son-in-law worked together for years. There were always little riffs but nothing really serious. Like you, there was one sib, the oldest son who made trouble. After my in-laws passed, the business went downhill. The sibs got older and nastier to each other. They unceremoniously fired my husband when he became disabled and began having issues handling his work. They humiliated him. After that, the business went downhill and had to close. The bankruptcy finished the family. Even though half of them have serious health issues, no one hears from anyone. At the last family gathering, hosted by my son who is still trying to hold the tattered remnants of the family together, the family that was there (my husband wasn’t, just me) none of them spoke with me or asked how my husband was.

There is no doubt in my mind that when my in-laws possessions were distributed, some got more than others. There are a pair of very expensive figurines that just “disappeared”.

It’s a very sad situation. It’s also annoying and frustrating, isn’t it? I’m an only child who always wished I’d had brothers and sisters. Not anymore. Hugs to you for having to go through this.
I think you should heed the advice of Gershun and focus on your moms happiness and wishes.
"Vengeance is mine I will repay, saith the Lord."
Let God deal with them.You are only exhausting yourself emotionally by focusing on teaching them a lesson. You are the one that will suffer from the consequences of your actions. If this is how they are, you wont be hurting them as much as you think.
So glad you called APS!!!
My dad had bedbug infestation too...nests in his hat and shoes etc etc....totally awful AND very expensive plus VERY hard to get rid of once they've set up camp!!
My dad also had bites on his scalp and everywhere on his body and still has PTSD from it!!
I'm so sorry you ste going through this but please get outside help for this bedbug problem and your daughter really needs to check herself  NOW!!! 
My husband went in my dad's home with the hazmat outfit on, stripped down naked outside in the winter and still brought one into the house and it set up camp in his recliner and they multiplied fast!!  My son found one crawling on the pillow next to him on the couch 😩We burned a new couch, two recliners the whole room got flipped upside down...I don't know how many times I washed and re-washed and burned things because I was so paranoid!!    Bugs have never really bothered me but once I learned all I could about a bedbug they are the most disgusting thing on earth !!! And even the cleanest people can get them !!!  
Some people put their bedbug infested furniture out along the road to get picked up by whoever wants it or they donate it to a thrift store, yuck!! 
We ended up having to demolish my dad's trailer because it was so infested, they lay eggs in the most crazy places. Yes bedbugs do bite because that's how they feed themselves by sucking your blood.  Google bedbug pictures and see a picture of one that has just fed and one that is hungry.   After spending tons of money with an exterminator we found that it was worthless! Broke my heart when I saw my dad's arms with scabs and his rips my heart out all the time  when I hear of someone going through this experience!
I wish that we would have called APS but I didn't know about them at the time.   We tried to help my dad but he didn't think it was that big of a deal so I was desperately wanting someone to help and I think APS would've been the right answer!!
I will be thinking of you and again I'm so sorry your parents are going through this and you Hugs 💜
Your distress is understandable.  I would hate to see you continue to be excluded and punished by them.

There may be better ways to deal with siblings that don't involve you taking revenge or getting even. Ask your therapist and your attorney.

The goal is to get through this difficult time for you, with your sanity intact. Imo.
Tough love, rough justice with vengeance!

Be careful none of it back fires!

Take care of her and yourself first. Good luck
When you know within your heart, you have done all you can to keep peace.Let go of all the drama.Just do what is right. You can’t fight the Devil at his game, his propose is to destroy families. Put it all in God Hands he will take care all unrighteousness. Just have dinner with family that wants to call problems. I have the same problem with my siblings, I just don’t yield to them or their thoughts. I have taken care of my brother without their help or a phone call to see how he is doing for almost 5 years. I have POA. So I don’t have to answer to them. They had the opportunity to care for him and they didn’t want the responsibility. So I pray and work at doing the right thing for my brother.
It’s up to you. They’ve got it coming. But no whining from you if you ‘get even’ and then get the guilts.

I’m afraid that ultimately it’d be better to just go through the legal process (probate) after your mom passes away. You’ve got something to hold over your sister’s head forever. She committed fraud. Do with that what you will. You have won.
I agree with smeshque, don’t let this negativity rule the day.
You can never know everything regarding how your siblings’ relationship with your mom was over the years.
All moms are not perfect.
I would just let the anger go.
Your mom lives with your sister who deserves to have her own life as well. I wouldn’t guilt her over going on “day trips”. It’s quite a burden on your sister too.
I had two brothers. One an angel the other a devil. For years before my mom died we fought about everything. My brother disowned his mother (our mom) as he stated my mom should have protected him from getting his butt whooped by my dad whenever my brother was caught skipping school or staying out all night.
My dad was a WW2 vet - in Europe for almost 4 yrs - and came home to a son that grew up bucking every show of authority, got kicked out of high school, etc.
I am certain he probably did get his butt whooped as he outwardly disobeyed an Army Second Lieutenant.  Was my dad wrong? Yes. Was my mom wrong in not protecting her teenage son from getting beat up? Yes, probably. My other brother chose to listen to my dad.
Point being, should my older brother not have his own opinion about my mom not protecting him way back when brother was 17? Or should my brother have sucked it up and realized he made bad choices that led to my dad getting aggressive?
I held this against my brother for years. Fought with him when my mom had a double bypass at 83, all the way until when she died in 2013.
My brother himself had an enlarged heart. He eventually needed a heart transplant. Me, being a nurse, agonized over this diagnosis. I knew eventually what would happen years down the road for my brother.
He chose to ignore me and would not allow any brother/sister relationship to continue.
Long story - here is the end- my older brother passed away one year after my mother from cardiomyopathy. He was too sick to be placed on a transplant list (waited too long to approach the transplant team).
I went to his funeral.
I mourn them both - mother and son. Was my brother overreacting? Did he truly feel our mom did him wrong? I can’t say.
Moral of the story...parents are not saints but try their best all the time (we hope) to be good parents. Sometimes they just don’t have the right skill set. But now that both of them are gone I do wish our relationship was different and we all just “got along”.
Respect your siblings decisions for what they are. You weren’t there to see how your mother may have treated your siblings in her moments of depression and darkness. Parents are able to totally mess up their children’s psyche, as we want to believe they are perfect.

They are not.

It doesn’t sound like your siblings are neglectful of your mother, maybe your expectations of them are too high and you are angry they don’t show care or affection the way you do. What more would you want? Have you discussed this obvious sore spot with your sibs?

To end, you are a family. Try to work it out. I ask that you work on recognizing your sibs are doing the best they can in their own way. Is this worth putting a huge strain the future of your family relationship for years?  Not really, to me anyway. 

All the money and assets in the world won’t fix family dysfunction. We all have family dysfunction to a degree & don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Show an example for your daughter. Distribute your mother’s assets as your mom planned.

Not worth fighting over....bad feelings will persist for years to come and *poof* there goes your family.

Be fair to all your siblings according to your mom’s wishes.
Good luck !

Share your answer

Please enter your Answer

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support