My sister has historically shouldered the brunt of my mom's care because she lives so close to her. Recently my sister's health has declined and I am now assuming more responsibility for my mom's care, 3-4 days per week 24/7 including meals and the scheduling of doctor's appointments. My brother does absolutely nothing for her, and doesn't offer or inquire as to what needs to be done. He calls on Mother's Day and holidays and visits once or twice a year. He only lives about two hours away. He used to live much closer, still did nothing and moved without the slightest care as to how she would be cared for and by whom. Is it fair for him to receive an equal inheritance? I ask because my mom insists that we should all inherit equally, but does not insist or even ask that he contribute anything to her care or needs which are extensive due to her age and hearing impairment which requires that she be accompanied even when she is visited by home health care practitioners. I feel resentful of this but don't know how to express this without sounding like a greedy little b******.
You need to work out a caregivers contract which should be vetted by a lawyer. It should lay out your duties and the rate you are paid.
would be inheriting equally from my
mother. I “suggested” to her that maybe the boys should be participating in the caregiving (they couldn’t; they live 2K miles away) whereupon she decided that maybe she should see to it that I get a bit extra. Don’t put up with it, girls; the days of unpaid “women’s work” are OVER!
My mom passed four yrs. ago. The last ten years of her life I became as she called it her "lifeline" It started out with getting her groceries, her prescriptions, escorting her to doctor's appts. and then just grew from there. When she got into her late eighties/early nineties I became responsible for everything. She lived five minutes from me and we were always close so I guess I was the logical choice. My five living siblings just let me. They barely did anything. When it was time to transition mom into a nursing home I made all the arrangements, decorated her room, bought her a new. t.v., made the place feel like home. Mom and I were very close but I was never under any illusions that when the inheritance was divided that I would receive anything more than anyone else.
I never hoped I'd get more. What I had hoped for was a special acknowledgement in the form of a personal letter or something similar when she died. But no, there was a letter for all of us that spoke of us as a group. So even though I'd cared for her more she always thought of us as equal. She loved us all equally and that was that. She didn't keep track of who did what and if she had I still think it would have been the same.
So salutem, maybe you are hoping for an acknowledgement that you are special and maybe the money isn't the important thing at all. Maybe you will get that. But if you don't, don't be surprised cause I think a lot of mother's just love their kids unconditionally and that's that.
I was mildly hurt that my mom didn't write me a special letter but knowing my mom I also know that she maybe thought that it went without saying and that I knew she appreciated me. Maybe that's why she said I was her "lifeline"
I hope you get what you are hoping for in the end but if you don't please don't let it seize you up inside cause it would be all for naught anyhow.
I found this response very touching. You are a kind and understanding, compassionate soul. Take care.
" my mom insists that we should all inherit equally"
That's shot the fox, as we say. End of discussion.
If your sister is not able to continue to provide care, and you resent providing care as long as your brother won't do his fair share, then the obvious solution is to use your mother's resources to pay for care either at home - if she's incredibly rich - or in a facility.
Or... would you feel better about it if your mother agreed to pay you for your time now?
It's your time and labor, to do with as you please.
When one or more siblings chooses to take on the role of caregiver, it does not obligate everyone else to help. And those who chose not to help are neither self nor bad people.
Yes, it shouldn’t be forced on someone to care for them. Some use emotional blackmail, etc. Awful to do to a child.
Should be a personal choice. Sometimes it’s complicated. Mom was left homeless after Hurricane Katrina. Crime is high in our city. Total mayhem after the storm. Very emotional time for all of us. Of course, I took in mom.
Had I had time to think about it fully without the emotional baggage of a major storm, I would have considered other options.
"My sister and I care for my 91 year old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?"
"I would not accept payment because I do it from my heart. I just feel that it should be acknowledged that some have made great sacrifices, while my brother has been completely selfish."
"All that I do for her including protecting her from isolation and feelings of abandonment I do without reservation."
You don't want to accept money from your mother, and you help her without reservation from your heart, yet you want your mother to give more money to acknowledge your help.
I think you need to get it straight in your head and heart what you really want.
If you just want to be acknowledged for your help, will a thank-you suffice? If you want to be paid for your help, then ask for it. Be honest with yourself. There is nothing wrong with getting paid for your time. Your mother would have to pay someone to help if you weren't there to do it.
As for the inheritance, your mother obviously loves all her 3 children equally without condition, that's why she wants to give equally to each of you. She doesn't put a condition on your brother to help in order to get his share. She just gives from the heart.
So, to answer your original question, yes, your brother should inherit equally because that's how your mother wants it. That doesn't mean she shouldn't pay you for your work. But then you say you don't want to accept her money.
Uh... so what is it that you want?
I think I know. You want to get paid without having to ask. Well, that's not going to happen the way it's going. So, you're resenting it. If you want it changed, you need to make it happen. Like I said earlier, there's nothing wrong with getting paid for your WORK.
You explained that perfectly!
My opinion is that no one should EXPECT to be left an inheritance. If it happens great.
My feeling is the money that has been saved by your parents should be used for their care. This is what it was saved for.."we will save for our old age"..is usually how a conversation starts when a couple starts saving.
People now also have the option to purchase long term care insurance..if you can afford it. But in the past you saved for what was necessary when you were no longer working.
The money that your Mom has saved use it for caregivers.
Use it to get a better mattress for her bed so she is less likely to get pressure sores
Use it for what ever she needs to make her comfortable.
Prepay for her funeral and enough to have a nice luncheon after
If there is any left be grateful for what there is...it is more than you have right now.
Your Mom does not see that one child is doing more than another all she sees is you are ALL her children and she loves you equally.
Care should come first. Who worked hard for that money? They did. So technically, bottom line, it’s their money.
How do I feel personally? I would reward the people who did more for me when I was living, if there was money left over after my care.
I would not necessarily shut out others if I still wanted to give them. If I did not want to give to certain people for my own reasons, I wouldn’t. Simple as that.
It’s not like they could argue with me after I am dead! 😂. Hahaha. Sorry, I have a twisted sense of humor at times.