My Mother is in assisted living now for about 3 years and has dementia, with her short term memory pretty bad. She is able to be physically mobile but chooses to lie in bed all day. I have been told that dementia leads people to seek comfort and security which often means the bedroom.
She won’t engage in the activities there and thinks they are silly. She won’t make friends. Yet she complains of having nothing to do and feeling useless. She won’t help herself by choosing to engage. I work full time but even pre-Covid when I was there to visit I couldn’t get her to go to activities there with me. I have left her mending to do per her request, or knitting projects for the homeless but she is not self-directed enough to complete these tasks which she is still able to do. She always says “thanks, I’ll do it later today’. and never will as she forgets. We have her in individual PT to help retain mobility, and have asked them to try their best to get her to group PT and not give her a choice. That is the problem - they can’t make her if she says no, which is what she does if she pins them and asks “does she have to do it”. She is a rule follower and doesn’t give them trouble if something is not required, but intelligent enough to ask that question. Her days are long and boring and it breaks my heart. My logical mind says “well, if she won’t help herself...” but a dementia mind is not a logical mind. Thanks for any thoughts or encouragement. We can get her out now 2x a week at least!
Mom on the other hand is fairly a solitary soul. Life with dad was no walk in the park and she was often the brunt of his put-downs (he was definitely passive/aggressive). So besides being a loner she has self esteem issues, but is also very opinionated. She doesn't have dementia but after dad died I told her she had to get out and socialize to help stave off dementia - she does have MCI. She was actually getting out a couple times a week doing some activity or other and then COVID where at times the residents of her AL were locked down in their apartments for weeks at a time. She keeps herself busy reading, doing jigsaw puzzles, suduko and word search puzzles; while I'm now able to visit again - but I'll be happier when I'll be able to take her back to the library, out to lunch and shopping.
Best of luck with your mother.
The Al cannot force her to do what she doesn't want to. Good thing is she likes getting out a couple of times a week. My Mom enjoyed being in the common area or walking around inside the AL. She enjoyed the entertainment they supplied. So I really have no suggestions. Just that I don't think you can do anything to help her.
Is this behavior out of character for your Mom. Was she in some prior life very very social?
This isn't always a "fix it " situation. Your Mom is relatively lucky with involved and loving family and a decent place to live. I would be easy on yourself and concentrate more on your own life, and how you will live it moving forward. I sure wish you good luck.
Perhaps now that you're able to spend more time with her, you can sit with her in her room and get her started on her knitting projects, and encourage her to keep going, and even do them with her. And if you don't know how, perhaps asking her to show you how, might spark her interest.
You can only do so much to get her engaged, so please don't beat yourself up if she chooses not to. You're doing the best you can.