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My Mother is in assisted living now for about 3 years and has dementia, with her short term memory pretty bad. She is able to be physically mobile but chooses to lie in bed all day. I have been told that dementia leads people to seek comfort and security which often means the bedroom.


She won’t engage in the activities there and thinks they are silly. She won’t make friends. Yet she complains of having nothing to do and feeling useless. She won’t help herself by choosing to engage. I work full time but even pre-Covid when I was there to visit I couldn’t get her to go to activities there with me. I have left her mending to do per her request, or knitting projects for the homeless but she is not self-directed enough to complete these tasks which she is still able to do. She always says “thanks, I’ll do it later today’. and never will as she forgets. We have her in individual PT to help retain mobility, and have asked them to try their best to get her to group PT and not give her a choice. That is the problem - they can’t make her if she says no, which is what she does if she pins them and asks “does she have to do it”. She is a rule follower and doesn’t give them trouble if something is not required, but intelligent enough to ask that question. Her days are long and boring and it breaks my heart. My logical mind says “well, if she won’t help herself...” but a dementia mind is not a logical mind. Thanks for any thoughts or encouragement. We can get her out now 2x a week at least!

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I'm glad that you can at least now get her out a few times a week, as that will give her a change of scenery, and you will have peace in knowing that at least a few times a week she's having some fun, and getting out of her room.
Perhaps now that you're able to spend more time with her, you can sit with her in her room and get her started on her knitting projects, and encourage her to keep going, and even do them with her. And if you don't know how, perhaps asking her to show you how, might spark her interest.
You can only do so much to get her engaged, so please don't beat yourself up if she chooses not to. You're doing the best you can.
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sparkielyle Apr 2021
You also are spot on. I try to do projects with her while visiting if I can. I will keep trying. Thank you for the words of encouragement!
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There is likely little you can do to change the fact that end of life is not easy on elders and there is honestly loss after loss after loss. My own brother, with early probable Lewy's dementia "made the best of" --in his words--assisted living. Most were very much more impaired than he was. Luckily he was already of a solitary, almost monk-like personality and he enjoyed puttering around, cutting roses for dining tables, could still read and shared books with some, etc. In general, other than a few activities I found most there to keep to them selves and to turn more and more inward. I think it is normal. I wouldn't push her at this, the end of her life to change.
Is this behavior out of character for your Mom. Was she in some prior life very very social?
This isn't always a "fix it " situation. Your Mom is relatively lucky with involved and loving family and a decent place to live. I would be easy on yourself and concentrate more on your own life, and how you will live it moving forward. I sure wish you good luck.
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sparkielyle Apr 2021
I am so sorry - Lewy's is a difficult path for sure. I guess daughter guilt will always be a bit present, but with counseling I do put it in perspective. She is/was such a fantastic Mom. Just breaks my heart.
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I am 71 and when I read posts like this I wonder what i will be like in my 80s. And I may be like your mother. I am pretty much a homebody now so COVID lock down has not been that hard on us. Husband is 74 and very hard of hearing so we don't socialize that much. I spend most of my time in my Den. So my question would be was your Mom any different before her Dementia? If she wasn't involved with people before, why would she be now? Other than knitting did she do crafts, puzzles, or games. If the answer is no, she isn't going to learn them now. Her short term memory won't allow it and she has no long term to fall back on. If she was living in her own home she would be like this.

The Al cannot force her to do what she doesn't want to. Good thing is she likes getting out a couple of times a week. My Mom enjoyed being in the common area or walking around inside the AL. She enjoyed the entertainment they supplied. So I really have no suggestions. Just that I don't think you can do anything to help her.
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sparkielyle Apr 2021
Thank you for the time you took to answer. She really was social ONLY to the extent that it involved her helping others. She loved music, handiwork, etc, so that is one reason I do find it puzzling she won't even go to listen to piano playing or doing some crafts. Oh well. So in essence you are spot on. She is very much a loner otherwise.
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As dad's hearing and balance deteriorated he withdrew and it was basically just mom and dad outside of mealtimes when they sat with friends. Dad began to feel useless and hated being helped - other than by mom and not that much until later on. He had always helped others and I believe he saw that as part of his identity. I believe being helped was an insult to he view of himself. Since 88 or 89 dad began to desire to die and lived until he was 91.

Mom on the other hand is fairly a solitary soul. Life with dad was no walk in the park and she was often the brunt of his put-downs (he was definitely passive/aggressive). So besides being a loner she has self esteem issues, but is also very opinionated. She doesn't have dementia but after dad died I told her she had to get out and socialize to help stave off dementia - she does have MCI. She was actually getting out a couple times a week doing some activity or other and then COVID where at times the residents of her AL were locked down in their apartments for weeks at a time. She keeps herself busy reading, doing jigsaw puzzles, suduko and word search puzzles; while I'm now able to visit again - but I'll be happier when I'll be able to take her back to the library, out to lunch and shopping.

Best of luck with your mother.
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Same thing happened with my MIL. Short-term memory was shot, wasn't remembering to even eat so we started her out in AL in a nice place but instead of being social like she had been all her life, she just gradually folded up. Then she decided she didn't want to get out of bed, ever. Not even to go eat with the others. We tried everything like you: PT, incentive charts, encouragement. None of it worked. She's in LTC now and other than her memory and very mild dementia, there's nothing wrong with her at 85. She even survived having covid. There is huge longevity in her family so I'm imagining her lying in bed for literally another 15 years. I hope you can come to peace with it, knowing you've tried everything to give her a better quality of life. That's all you can do.
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My mother is 75. No dementia yet, but it’s near. My mother is the same. Lazy and non self efficient at all. Gripes that there’s nothing to do when there are things to do. Drives me crazy.
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My 91 yo mom's entire week's 'socialization' is now 90 minutes at the local Sr Center playing BINGO.

That's it. She has refused now to go to the grocery store, sends YB and lets him shop for her. He won't bring a scooter-cart to the car for her (she needs to keep walking, and she only needs to walk 20' to where the cart is parked. But she won't even attempt it).

YB said she needs to make SOME effort, and we all agree. Not in a mean way, but very matter-of-fact. None of us can lift her, she's getting weaker and is falling more often. Dr. says she needs to KEEP walking as much as possible, not staying in her recliner all day.

I can't say she's lazy, but I can say she is just tired. She has brought up to me that she'd LIKE to move into a wheelchair, but I had to tell her that once she did that, she would also be moving into ALF. There is no room for the wheelchair. Same as with a powerchair. She was in the process of trying to obtain another powerchair and I told her that if she got one, it wouldn't really help her, she would be required to move somewhere that can handle the size of the chair.

None of this had occurred to her. YB has accamodated all her wishes to this point, but at some point--with about zero QOL, and being in chronic pain, she has to accept that the level of care she'd require if she chooses to 'step down' in her efforts. No more semi-independent living.

It's sad. She lost the will to work on independent living during covid. She just doesn't care any more. She has ONE friend, with whom she is no longer allowed to 'run around'. (Woman is legally blind and a terror on the roads).

She's probably depressed, but would NEVER take anything for it. Honestly? At 91, we expect nothing of her, but that she keep walking. Once she quits, her whole life will change.
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cweissp Apr 2021
Midkid58 so sorry. My father was much the same at 91 - though he'd been wanting to die for 3 or 4 years by that time. He did however keep walking some - he had balance issues and fell - A LOT! At 91 he ended up in hospital which we all thought was a respiratory infection, It was however his heart with several issues. After he got out of rehab he stated he no longer wanted active treatment. He was worn out. It could be your mother is just all worn out and doesn't want to make the effort anymore.

Good luck to you and your family.
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hugs!! it's not easy.

if you could find something that gives her a spark! something that motivates her!

often it's TV, food...

reading (with dementia) becomes hard to follow, movies, conversations not easy...

but if there's something that could give her joy.
for some people it's petting animals...

you said she can go out 2x a week.
maybe to have fun with some animals?
cute kittens, bunnies, puppies?

hug!
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Countrymouse Apr 2021
Yes yes yes - pet therapy is VERY popular!
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She's knackered.

She herself doesn't understand why she feels so unable to get up and get moving. She herself genuinely thinks a little light mending would help to pass the time. She would no doubt be the first to agree that idleness is next to ungodliness, and she herself, when thinking or talking about her typical day, thinks it must be desperately boring and tedious.

But while the inner spirit is willing, the flesh (and especially the heart and brain) is worn out, dog tired, and content to nap in its nice comfy chair.

Exercise will do her good, the PT should be offered, but there is a fine line to draw, and it gets increasingly tricky to find.

Can they link the PT to a purpose, perhaps? E.g. there's a lot more point to getting up and using your walking frame if you're going to lunch, or to look at something in the gardens. This morning I - not tricked, let's say encouraged - a client to walk the long way round from her stairlift to her armchair partly to loosen up her legs a bit, and partly to get her engaged in her breakfast prep (I haven't got her on my round tomorrow or I'd work on step two - get the milk out of the fridge).

But whatever ruses you come up with, remember that all of this team effort is intended to be for her benefit. Your logical mind would be kinder if it told you "if she's happy, I'm happy" - and allowed her happy to look different from what it used to when she was firing on all cylinders.
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It shouldn't break your heart that your mom is doing as she wishes! That's the only way to look at this situation. If she was bored, she would get out of bed and do something, right? It's surprising that the AL is ok with her lying in bed all day though.

My mother lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and they will not allow her to stay in bed past 9:30am unless she is ill or on hospice. She has to be up and dressed and ready for breakfast by 10 am every day, so the aides make sure of it. If she hides out in her room, they come wheel her out of there and into the activity room to socialize with the other 20 residents. It's how they run things at mom's place, which is a good thing. After dinner, the residents can stay in their rooms or come into the common area to watch a movie or do a puzzle. My mother is prone to depression and feeling sorry for herself, so being alone intensifies that. This is why I'm glad the MC has the rules in place they do. But for your mom, if she's content, why fix what isn't broken? You do get her out 2x a week so that's a good thing.

Wishing you all the best.
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Sparkie, you say “She really was social ONLY to the extent that it involved her helping others”. Could you see if there is someone else in the facility who you can say needs her help? Someone having difficulty with their own craft, needs more help with dropped stitches than the staff can do? Someone trying to play the piano, but getting dispirited because nobody listens? It might be worth a try, if the staff can give you some suggestions.
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Countrymouse May 2021
I tried that on my mother the second time she went to respite: make conversation with the other residents because they'd like it, never mind if you would or not.

I think I made her feel guilty but she still didn't set foot out of her room if she didn't have to.
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Wow you just described me and my dad to a T including the private PT who has been a blessing during this pandemic. His AL have a computer which now he is obsessed in buying a new pickup truck put a mattress on the back and go live in the mountains (his drivers licenses was revoked by a Dr 2 years ago and he needs a walker.)

i feel your pain and know the frustration and wish I had and answer for you.

Best wishes
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Sparkielyle, you're doing the best you can. I'm facing many of the same issues with my Mom, who suddenly had delusions and after rehab, had to be placed in Memory Care 5 months ago. After much research, I found the best place and in addition to 24/7 care, they have all of the amenities you could want, with activities galore. But she won't join in, is very negative, and constantly complains and criticizes the other residents and staff as her delusions and paranoia continue and she is more frail and confused.
The staff and I do the best we can to reassure and redirect, but it doesn't help much or for long. I usually take her to my home once or twice a week (I work from home and help with grandchildren), but I'm not sure if that is really helpful in her settling in process. Many here on AgingCare have told me that "safe trumps happy," and I see how that applies to my Mom more as each day passes.
I was hoping she would be happy, but the fact that she is well cared for and safe in a beautiful, clean, and active environment is a great relief.
Now I have to accept that she may never be happy, and know that I have and continue to try to do the best I can for my Mom, even if she doesn't realize it and probably never will. "One day at a time" surely applies here.
Hugs and blessings to all who are doing their very best for their loved ones.
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Funny how you think you're the only one that has this issue until you have a place like this forum where one can see that all of us are on the same ride with our parent / parents. My mother also will not get out of bed. Been almost 2 years. Same issues, not willing to do anything, nothing is good enough in regards too activities. But that isn't new, for the past 4 years she has had that attitude about activities. Tried everything. Only constant is the wish to die. My only concern now is the effects of staying in bed all the time will have on her body. I've done some research and let me tell you it isn't a comforting read. Effecting lungs, blood, bones and mostly mental. But what do you do. Can't reason with someone who has no reasoning skills. I struggle with the why, and the why nots about her behaviour and choice to stay in bed. Kills me. But her life, her body. Whats good in my mind for her isn't what she wants. So I support. All I can do. I visit, we laugh, I help her eat when she struggles and hold her had when she is upset. For a brief time in her day she is engaged and happy. Right now, in these moments thats enough for me. We all say that we don't understand why our parents with AL or dementia do the things they do. But sometime I try to put my self in there mind, what do they see, what are they thinking about when they are staring off into space. Then I realize who am I to try to make them live up to the standard I want for them. Even though it may what is best for them.
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nature73 May 2021
Very well stated. Thank-you!
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I saw similar patterns with my mother who now has advanced dementia. I realize now that she just couldn't finish those projects or get engaged. She was losing the abilty to focus. At a certain point she couldn't even read. And she used to be an avid reader. It's not by choice. It takes a certain mental ability to complete a task or get involved with an activity. And think about it, with short term memory loss even watching a movie may not be that satifying if you don't follow the plot. Talk to the staff there about it and also with the activity director. They may have some ideas of what she is capable of doing. With my mother, pre-pandemic I would take her to the facility's patio where she could sit and watch people walking by and look at trees and flowers. Sometimes I'd give her a meal out there. We'd sit there for a couple of hours. It's very passive, but she enjoyed it and I hope I'll be able to continue to do this now that she's vaccinated. My mother has forgotten how to walk and has to use a wheel chair now. You have to take it day by day and accept what it is. I had to lower the bar of my expectations about what she could do. Sadly, with dementia, things don't get better.
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Hi, all - I have one of these too. Mother with vascular dementia living in MC. Too cool to participate in the activities, although after a year she is giving in more.

My thoughts are definitely along the lines of Margaret’s - connect her with someone or something where she’s needed, not being entertained. My request to mom’s MC was to find ways to give her a ‘job.’ No one ever bothered, then a few weeks ago one of the directors told me triumphantly that she got mom doing a task for her in her office and she loved it - yes, no surprise. It’s a shame there can’t be more outreach specific to what each resident needs but they can’t when they’re all just doing the state’s staff minimum.

Ask the directors to look for ways she can be enlisted in the business of the place - as a favor, not as an ‘activity.’ And yes, you can keep working on your emotional reaction to it all. :) Ostensibly our day will come too, she doesn’t own this condition in life. Best wishes! 💐
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Sometimes with dementia comes depression which can lead to lack of interest. And on top of that the brain not fully functioning. I understand you when you said it is heartbreaking because she was a good mom. It is sad for us to see the decline and we want so badly to continue seeing them as they once were. My dad was so physical, worked around his home, could build or fix anything. To see him reduced to a wheelchair and then the bed in his last two years made me so sad. But I had to realize it wasn’t my "old dad". He would not have "chosen" that way to live. He so wanted to be released from the earthly bonds, but it seemed to take forever. He finally chose his way out by stopping eating and he lasted a couple of weeks. This was during Covid lockdown when I wasn’t allowed to visit. That was just criminal to me. He died in June and I saw him in a coma two days before he passed. You will reach a point where you just go day by day. Remember the past but don’t try to recreate it. Visit with your mom and see if she likes to go down memory lane. They often like to do that. If the conversation turns south, redirect and change the subject. You sound like a great caring daughter.
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Sometimes with dementia comes depression which can lead to lack of interest. And on top of that the brain not fully functioning. I understand you when you said it is heartbreaking because she was a good mom. It is sad for us to see the decline and we want so badly to continue seeing them as they once were. My dad was so physical, worked around his home, could build or fix anything. To see him reduced to a wheelchair and then the bed in his last two years made me so sad. But I had to realize it wasn’t my "old dad". He would not have "chosen" that way to live. He so wanted to be released from the earthly bonds, but it seemed to take forever. He finally chose his way out by stopping eating and he lasted a couple of weeks. This was during Covid lockdown when I wasn’t allowed to visit. That was just criminal to me. He died in June and I saw him in a coma two days before he passed. You will reach a point where you just take things day by day. Remember the mom of the past but don’t try to recreate it as it’s not going to happen. Visit with your mom and see if she likes to go down memory lane. They often like to do that. If the conversation turns south, redirect and change the subject. You sound like a great caring daughter.
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Thank you!
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'She won’t engage in the activities there and thinks they are silly. She won’t make friends. Yet she complains of having nothing to do and feeling useless. She won’t help herself by choosing to engage.' 

I couldn't believe it when I read this, as I could have written it! The only differences are that my mother has given up walking because of vertigo, and we don't know yet if she has dementia (it's in her family, so likely, and the doctor is supposed to be organizing tests to check). Mum seems to have NPD and has always been lazy and reliant on others, and of course lockdowns have led to her using her brain less and less, so her short-term memory is now poor.

Even before COVID, Mum wouldn't go to most of the social activities put on and scoffed at those residents who chose to play Scrabble, etc. She is now complaining about having nothing to do, no one to see, nowhere to go, yet when the hairdresser (someone she *saw*!) asked if she had made any friends in her AL, she said she 'doesn't do friends'. That's true - she makes no effort to keep up with the few she has, even moaning when they write to her because she feels obliged to write back!

If anyone suggests that she do some mild exercise to help her fend off further blood clots and keep mobile, they are 'bullying' or attacking her. Trying to get her to do things for others wouldn't work either. She used to be really good at knitting and sewing but, despite not having arthritis, she can't be bothered to make anything even for her four great-granddaughters.

As a classic scapegoat child, I have spent the last four years trying to help a woman who clearly doesn't want to help herself; it is unbelievable to us that she would rather sit all day and moan, but that seems to be the case. Maybe she feels that complaining is the only way she has left to make a mark on the world; how terribly sad, and extremely stressful for us who feel morally obliged to try to help her - at great cost to my mental health and my relationship with my husband.

We too are hoping that the easing of lockdown restrictions will at least allow more visitors, to cheer her up a bit if possible and ease the load on us, her 'support bubble'!
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nature73 May 2021
You have described my dad. He's in MC & is interested in NOTHING except visits from me & my husband. I did communicate with the activities director about this & she understood. She said he stays in his room most of the day but would try to engage him more. It really hurts to see him in this state.
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Would she go if they asked her for "help" with lonely patients? Would she go if you were with her, to try it a few times? Would she go if you told her how sad you are when she just lies in bed? Or you were going to a meeting and needed her to be there? None of these things might help, just possibilities. Sometimes the disease takes away their ability to experience pleasure or even how to go about it. It must be like being in a room with people speaking a foreign language and unable to include you in it. My MIL was at home; she could do little. She enjoyed folding laundry and stringing green beans, simple useful tasks. Or your Mom may just need you to be there with her when you are available and hold her hand. Good luck.
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While my mom was still living in her own home 4 years ago...She told me she had no joy anymore. My mom used to be a very joyous person. The Dr prescribed an anti depressant for her. It didn't help...the reason...She wasn't depressed...She had apathy ..which is seen in 70% of Alzheimer patients. There is a fine line between depression and apathy. She is actually the one who told me she didnt feel depressed , she had apathy and she just didnt care about anything. It was so sad. She spent a good part of her day in bed. I moved her 650 miles away from her hometwn to live with me for 2 years. I gave her all of my laundry folding to do which she always loved folding and kept an easy 100 piece jigsaw puzzle out for her to work on. She no longer was able to work on the puzzle. She loved going for rides and to DQ which I took her every day. I took her to every musical event I could find and she was so appreciative of that. In the beginning The Dr prescribed several other anti depressants to see if they would make a difference. They didn't. If she had depression ...one of them would have helped. There is no med for apathy. The most you can hope for is to bring them MOMENTS of Joy for instance through the music they love. My mom has now been in MC for 4 months. . She was first in AL but I could see through my YI camera that she needed more care. In AL you have more independence..so if you want to stay in bed all day...they let you..in MC they have her up and dressed by 6 or 6:30 am and they are out of the room. My mom feels very sorry for herself. She told me she feels stupid and she hates the way she feels. She has no short term memory left and doesnt remember from 5 seconds to the next. So its moments of joy that make the difference.
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Robin1968 May 2021
This is my mother to a t. Doesn’t care about anything, anyone. Stats in her room and is bored. My dad passed in 2019. She used alcohol and pain meds to cope. She’s not depressed she says. Has no love for anyone just wants everything her way.
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She may have depression - very common in seniors. Ask her doctor for a referral to a geriatric psychologist.

Dementia patients tend to do better with structure in their lives = routine. Your mom's current routine is to stay in her room. Ask family, friends, members of your faith community... to visit her and do an activity with her. Ask the staff to wheel her out of her room after breakfast to "try" an activity. If she says she is "done", they can wheel her back to her room. I am hoping that enough "tries" may lead to her "staying".
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Ricky6 May 2021
I agree with Taarna. I would add how about taking her outside of the assisted living place for an outing like to the zoo, restaurant, or flower conservatory (Your mom is not prohibited from going outside.)
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You go to visit her and either talk her in to going to an activity or take her to an activity and stay with her.

Bribe her to go.

Tell her she has to go.

Go with her.

Prayers
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I suppose a "lesson" for us all is that it is valuable to have hobbies and various interests that we can pursue even if we end up in MC or NH, particularly if we are still quite "high-functioning". That way we might have choices available if we found the usual activities offered in these places to be boring. My mother enjoyed following politics, so she watched the news on TV quite attentively even when her short-term memory was quite impaired. She read as long as she was able. Music is another activity--one can put on earphones and listen to a huge variety of music on YouTube. This is not to imply that social activities should be avoided, but I believe I would find bingo getting boring after about the first five minutes so I would want to have something more challenging available to use and protect whatever intellect I still had left. Finding other people in the facility having a wide range of interests would also help--I've found that some residents in my mother's NH had a lot of interesting stories to share.
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disgustedtoo May 2021
"I've found that some residents in my mother's NH had a lot of interesting stories to share."

This is true. My mother wasn't in a NH. The facility is IL/AL/MC. To get to the MC area, I had to walk through the entrance area, past some of the AL/IL dining area and take the elevator downstairs.

I've met many interesting people along the way AND in the MC unit. In the MC, one gentleman was a former judge. Another was an author of children's books. One woman almost made it to 101 (and had lots of stories to tell about kids, grandkids, weddings, great-grandchildren!) Anyone who was willing to talk with me, I would engage with them. I've also chatted with several who were in the foyer or waiting for a meal. One man was actually a few months older than my mother, still very much with it, both physically and mentally! I do miss interactions with these people. The virus shut that down, and now that mom is gone...

Sometimes it does take just the right person. One staff member who especially liked my mother would tell me how she would try to engage with mom, in her initial time there. She said mom would just close her eyes, basically shutting her out. She was persistent and won that battle! She became mom's favorite person there!

For anyone having this kind of issue, esp those who are working full time and can't be with the LO often. Maybe try an agency that hires out companions? I would work closely with them and try to find someone who would have interests similar to what the LOs were in the past and also have a similar or complementary personality. It might take a few tries - give each one some time to try to establish a relationship - but perhaps one or more might find a spark and/or activity they can do together to get them a little more engaged, even if it's just to talk a walk outside (now that nice weather is returning!) It likely won't hurt, but if it can help, why not?
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This sounds all too familiar....my mom was never very social, didn't have any hobbies and had a small number of friends when she did work, but after retirement, didn't really have anyone that she did anything with on a regular basis.  She like to watch TV.  She took care of her yard and home and visited with me and my family for cookouts and what not.  Once she got dementia, it dwindled down to only watching TV.  Once she was placed in assisted living, I thought she might join some of the activities, but she never does.  She won't join the stretching/exercising groups, she won't play any games, she won't try a puzzle, etc.  It really bothered me in the beginning, but then I realized that she never liked those types of things prior to dementia, so why would she like them now.  Even when I pick her up to bring her to my house for a visit, all she does is sit in front of the TV.  Last week mom moved from assisted living into the memory care part of the building.  They encourage group "everything."  They have asked that I not visit for a week to let mom get acclimated to her new shared room and the routine.  This evening will be my first visit with her since the move.  I wonder if she is going to complain about being "forced" to play games...LOL  At this stage in her dementia, I am not going to force her to do anything she doesn't want to do.  I'm sure there are many of you who will disagree with me on that, but she has had dementia for 10 years now... dementia
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disgustedtoo May 2021
"...I realized that she never liked those types of things prior to dementia, so why would she like them now."

You never really know until you try. I love jigsaw puzzles and another resident did too. I would sometimes work with her on them. I would get mom to come over and join us at the table. To my surprise, she would actually start moving pieces around and actually managed to not only find some that went together, but also locate one that I was looking for! My mother NEVER was interested in anything like that! Another time when I arrived for a visit, she had torn out a picture of a little white fluffy dog. She announced she was going to ask YB to get one of these for her. ??? I think WHAT? Yes, we had a few dogs along the way, some gerbils, mice, but mom was NEVER EVER a pet person. When I would lose a cat, she'd say don't get another. THIS woman wants a dog? Seriously? The facility allows pets, even in MC. In her case, bad idea. She wouldn't have a clue how to care for it, feed it, take it out, etc. The poor thing would likely starve to death! Unless staff took care of it, but then what's the point?

On the other hand, things my mother used to do, she lost interest in. She would, at various times, join exercise classes, to trim down. When they were doing light exercise, they tried to get her to join. I was there and heard her say "I did that for years. I don't need to do it now."

So, you never know what or who *might* spark an interest. We can only try and if it pays off, great! If not, well, we tried.
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Would your mom be willing to go out somewhere?
Like for lunch, shopping, visiting family?
A lot of times an elderly person doesn't want to be part of the activities because they aren't interested in them.
Would it be possible for her to have a hired companion who would take her out a few times a week?
I did companion work years ago for a few people who lived in AL. Most of them had some dementia or mobility issues, but none of them were so bad off that they couldn't be taken out in public anymore.
We'd go shopping, out for lunch, bingo, all kinds of places. I had one old WWII veteran who I would take to the VFW for drinks with his pals that he met there every week.
See if the AL your mom is in will let you hire a companion for her.
I know that years ago Medicare and Medicaid paid for some hours of companion service. They may still. If they don't, hire one through a care website. You can check them out personally and negotiate their pay too.
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disgustedtoo May 2021
Funny, I just suggested this in a reply to Jamesj!

It might take a few tries, for each companion. If they don't "click", try another! In my comment I mentioned how one persistent staff member kept trying to engage with my mother. She'd close her eyes and shut her out. But, persistence won! She became one of, if not the favorite person for my mother!
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I am a power of attorney to someone with dementia - in a nursing home. No matter what anyone does, she insists in being in her bed almost constantly. They will complain from frustration - how else can they rebel at their situation. Don't force her to do this or that - she is not interested and won't enjoy it. Leave her be where she feels most comfortable - in her bed.
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marte48 May 2021
Thank you for speaking on behalf of the patient! All of these forced activities are more for the benefit of the onlookers. It makes THEM feel happier.
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My heart hurts for all who are walking this path. Mom, 95, hard of hearing and seeing has been in memory care for almost 4 years. She was on hospice until March ( 22 months) but graduated because she was stable at 99 pounds and unable to do anything for herself. When we first moved her in, she was still aware enough to say no to bingo, and the 6 am get up time. Over time the staff has acclimated her to their schedule, and she just goes where they put her. It is very hard, but I know she is safe and cared for. We have her on an anti anxiety med. Her Alzheimer's has progressed to not knowing who what or where; she lives only in this exact moment. Funny thing, at first when they offered her a chance to fold towels and napkins, she said, " I pay a lot to be here, don't they have staff to do this?" She often thought she was in a hotel.
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disgustedtoo May 2021
"" I pay a lot to be here, don't they have staff to do this?" She often thought she was in a hotel."

Too funny! Not aware of who what or where, but knows this much!

Out of the mouth of babes and dementia residents!
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Have you tried anti-depressants? Is that an option?
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