My dad is almost 90 years old. He has memory issues but is very high functioning. He can eat, change his clothes, take showers (with a reminder). However I don't feel it would be safe for him to live in his house and on his own. He would not eat properly, he is not allowed to drive any longer and for sure he would forget to take his meds. He gets the cell phone and the remote control confused. He lived with my husband and me for 6 months. It was challenging but we managed. He would wake up every day asking what we were doing for the day. It was like having a child that needed to be entertained. Prior to my dads decline I retired because life is too short. My husband has his own health issues but we had made a decision for me to retire early so we could travel before we are not able to. But then my dad's condition started to worsen. It has been a slow progression over the last 5 years and he was able to manage on his own but not any longer. I have put him in a Memory Care facility. He has been there for almost about 2 1/2 months. To get him there we led him to believe that he works there and helps others. He liked it in the beginning as he was helping others who need assistance. Now every time I talk to him, he wants to go back to "that place". He calls it his business but it is actually his house that he is remembering. There is no way he can live by himself and 24 hour home care would cost more than having him in memory care. Plus I do like the social aspect and the activities of Memory care. I feel that he may feel lonely at his house. His house is 30 miles away from mine. I am feeling guilty because I know he could live with me. I just don't want that. I am trying to remember his wishes while he had full memory. He did not want to be a burden to his children but we all say that. Now I am feeling so guilty. I visit him once a week and take him to my house for the day. I also talk to him on the phone twice a week. Am I not doing enough?

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Why did you place him in MC? You say he wouldn't be safe alone, wouldn't eat properly, can't properly manage his meds, can't drive, and tries to change channels with the cell phone. Those sound like pretty good reasons for placement. How many more symptoms should he have displayed before deciding to place him? You say you like the social aspect and activities the facility offers. Would you have the time, the energy or the interest to do the same?

Certainly the placement of our LO is a difficult and emotional decision. Sometimes it makes us feel that it was the wrong decision. But I assure you, it wasn't! So instead of feeling guilty, feel grateful that he's getting the care he needs and that you made the right decision. So dismiss the guilt, it takes too much energy that can be used for better purposes.
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Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. I learned that here.

What’s wrong with keeping your Dad safe?
Well fed?
Meds properly given?
Activities available?
What is wrong with each of those things?
Sounds like a pretty nice life for him.

For you, there is your marriage.
Your stress level lowered.
You can leave your home without worrying about finding a sitter for your Dad.
Sounds like a better life for YOU, as well.
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You know you do not want him living with you, so stick to that. Don't let guilt overrule your good sense. It does seem that taking him to your home each week could just cause more confusion and restlessness. Maybe you can take him to other activities on visiting day like going to a park or to the zoo, but coming and going going from his residence only.
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You're doing too much. Stop taking him to your house, because it's confusing and dementia patients have a very difficult time with a change of surroundings. He's not settling in at his place because he's not understanding that that's home now.

Visit him at his place only, but bring him a nice lunch to share, pictures to look at together, and have plenty to talk about.
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