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My 92-year old father had colon cancer more than 24 years ago. He has an ostomy bag and has been having a lot of pain for the last few years. Has a hernia under it, problems with leakage, digestion, etc. You name it he has it. I feel bad for him, but we have taken him to several doctors and all agree that at his age there is nothing that can be done. He also doesn't like to follow the doctor's suggstions and continues to do it his way. He says the doctors just don't care and can't be bothered. The last few days he has been complaining that the stiches (on his rectum) are hurting. I think after all this time there are no stiches, just perhaps scar tissue. Why all of sudden it is hurting him, is beyond me. He is insisting that I take him to a doctor. But I don't know who. I have made an appointment with his PCP just to satisfy him, but I know there is nothing that can be done. I think he is just looking for some miracle cure that doesn't exist. Either that or he is just looking for attention. I cannot work because I can't leave him alone all day. I feel terrible because I lose my temper with him all the time. I have my own health issues which I am struggling with, including extreme pain, dizziness, headaches, balance, diabetes, weight loss, etc. I am loosing my patience and just want to be left alone. But I cannot even think of putting him in a home, as it will kill him and we can't aford it. He is old world, eastern european style person who never saved or made much money. He never had a checking account (Until I opened a joint with him), never owned property or had credit and now living on his social security. He doesn't qualify for Medicaid as his monthly check is a few dollars above the threshold. At my wits end. Trying to appease him but I am ready to give up. I have three siblings. two of which could care less and don't even come to visit him. It's me and my husband only and we should be able to go on vacations and travel, visit friends, etc. but because of dad, we are trapped in our home. My husband goes to work and I try to help him from home.


God forgive me, but at times, I wish he would just pass and put him out of his misery. I don't know how else to help him. I try to take him on little outings to get some air, but he refuses. He is worried about his ostomy bag leaking and offending people or because of his enlarged prostate, can't go more than 10 minues wihtout going to the bathroom. He doesn't want to eat and then complains he's not feeling right (he's not getting the right nutrients). So we are stuck. I do have a sister who comes to visit a couple of times a month, but she is very busy taking care of her grandchildren and her job. Dad refuses to stay with so that my husband and I can get away. Don't know what else to do.

There are support groups for people with ostomies. There he can discuss his concerns and how to care for it himself.

Maybe he has hemorrhoids or a fissure and that's what making his rectum hurt. If he's not eating enough fiber, drinking enough fluid, and getting enough walking/movement, he may be constipated and straining.

You are making him the center of your world. No wonder you resent taking care of him and feel the way you do. If you are enabling him - doing everything for him and being with him all the time instead of living your life - then you are disabling him. Hire someone to show him how to cope with his ostomy. Plenty of people do it. And there's pride to be had in caring for oneself.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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LonelyDad, I am sorry you have faced this for so long. You’ve done so much for your father including gambling with your own health. You say “I can’t put him in a nursing home because it will kill him.” Well, honestly, isn’t his time limited anyway? If you continue on this way, he may take you with him.

Think of the advantages of his residing in a facility. He will have around the clock supervised medical and personal care. He will have three shifts of trained caregivers. Sure, it’s not the perfect solution, but either is your situation now. File for Medicaid for him. He should have no problem getting approved. He is a US citizen?

I fear that when he is gone, you will berate yourself for your feelings of wishing he’d pass. Guilt over what we as caregivers have done and not done is a common thread here. But if you’d at least consider a facility for him, it may work out for all over you in a (good) way you never expected.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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You and your parents should get out the house and do something toghther
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Reply to Queenpartygirl
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Have you considered speaking to Council on Aging in your community to see if you can receive a few hours of respite care?
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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LonelyDad; Pay no attention to Shad.

So, you've been posting here for almost 3 years; you've lovingly tried to get dad the nutrition he needs. But he resists.

You basically have given up your life to cater to your dad. I have no great suggestions for how to get beyond that, but the basic question is, why do you feel you have to do this? Why isn't dad taking care of dad?

Are dad's funds/SS/Pension being used to pay rent to you and your husband?

Are you figuring out ways to get respite?

Does he wear protective garments so he can go out and leak to his heart's content and not have an issue?

Why are you allowing him to rule your life.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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