My father and I have been extremely close throughout my entire life. However, as my father aged he became quite possessive of my time and space. No matter what I was doing he would interrupt. I would try to suppress my feelings, but after the third knock on my closed bedroom door in 10 minutes I sometimes got a little curt with him. However, I never spoke mean to him. He had some issues with toileting that drove my family crazy, and they wanted me to get after him, but I did not because I knew it might hurt his feelings. We went almost every where together, connected at the hip people would say. I bought everything he needed and wanted, took care of his health and medical needs, laundry, every meal but breakfast. The love we shared for each other was deeper than most father and daughters. He hugged each other, kissed good night and told each other we loved how much we loved each other. He told me every day how he thanked God that I was his daughter and that he appreciated all I did for him. He passed away after falling and breaking his hip, coming through surgery, then right in front of my eyes, in an instant he was gone. One minute he was awake and talking to me and the next minute he was gone. I had problems catching my breath, and immediately filled with guilt, it was my fault because of something I did not do relating to his care.
In the bereavement room my husband started on me about the cost it was going to be to have him cremated. No embrace, no so sorry honey, I know how much you loved him, and oh by the way I have to work late tonight and after I am home I am fixing Buds car. Home alone I came and the grief and guilt overwhelm me. We are devout Christians and I know my father is in Heaven. The next day my husband instructed me to go through all of my dad's papers and make calls and find out about finances, I could not do it, going in his room suffocated me. My daughters and grandson came home and have taken all the load of his funeral off of me. They are cooking, doing dishes, everything. Have told me to just grieve, but it is so hard, the grief overwhelms me. Getting dressed, brushing my teeth, taking a shower, I do not feel like doing anything and feel guilty about that. I am an RN so I intellectually I know the stages of grief, what we are supposed to do, but doing it, that is something different.
In less than a year I lost my 12 year old beloved dog, my mother in law married and I lost her help with my dad, then now my dad. How do I get over this guilt, let myself grieve, keep from just letting everything go? How do I get through the coming winter alone in my house when before all of this happened was already depressed from chronic pain? Many days I had gotten into the habit of just watching TV all day, and not doing anything but cooking dinner. I am going to go through some counseling, but how do I get motivated to do anything?