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My dad was 91 when he died. My mom died in 2003 with Alzheimer's. My dad wanted to join her since she passed. I'm the nurse and next door neighbor.  I had cared for him for almost 20 years. It's been 3 months and I cannot motivate myself to move forward. I took a hiatus from nursing and after 30 years of nursing both as a career and a daughter caring for elderly parents, I do not know if I can practice as a nurse any longer. The task of working full time as a nurse and caring for my parents have completely burned me out. My daughter is in her 3rd year at college and is thriving. My husband is very supportive of me, but I've lost interest in most things. Ive become isolative, lack motivation and often do not leave my house for days. I am scheduled to see a psychologist in two weeks. Any advice?

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Martinamarie, I know how you feel.   My heartfelt sympathy for your loss.   Caregiving, as we all know here, is so emotionally and physically draining, being it hands-on caregiving and/or logistical caregiving.

I had zero energy after my journey with caregiving, even though I had help with professional caregivers.   It was just all that stress for the past 7 years.

Have a doctor run a blood panel for B-12 and D, to see if either or both are low.   Mine were low.   Once I started getting the full dosage recommended I started to feel a bit better, felt the energy coming back.

I also went to talk therapy, and lucked out finding a therapist who was around my age and who had also dealt with her own issues with elderly parents.   Thus, when she would say "I know what you are going through", I knew that she really did understand.

Once you start feeling better, could you work part-time?   I am so glad I have a job where I need to get up in the morning, get my brain running on all cylinders.
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Martinamarie -first of all I'm sorry about the loss of your father. I'm not sure I have any advice except I think it is a good thing you are looking to take care of yourself and to see a psychologist. Let us know how you are doing.

My step mom a few months ago moved my dad into nursing home (after a fall). She had been 24x7 for nearly 5 years. When he first went in, she was so exhausted and burned out that she pretty much slept for the first several weeks. The years of caregiving really take a toll. She had a physical and works with a psychologist and is getting her spirit back & started to get interested in things again.

I think you are taking the right first step. Give your self a little time to grieve and recoup. Take care.
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I empathize as I have been caregiver of my paralyzed and speechless, though alert sweetheart for 12 years...I too am quite inactive personally. One thought comes to mind:

"Move a muscle, change thought."

Easy to say but incredibly hard to do for me..

One thing that helps me greatly is my friendly little dog, Elsie...I talk to her like she is a person...

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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Everyone is different but just realize that you are very tired. You need rest. Physically and emotionally. Especially from the stresses of caring for others. Try music. Try nice baths. Try laughing. Try walking. Notice what does interest you. Watch out for carbs, tv and alcohol numbing you out even more. Journaling is good. Going to theaters and galleries or nurseries or farmers markets can feed your emotions. Notice your breath. Meditating even for just a few minutes a day or several times a day can refresh you. Acupuncture. Deep tissue massage. Physical therapy. Get or give yourself a facial or manicure. Something nurturing to give youself a small boost to stimulate your energy and boost your mood. If you don't have a walking buddy try walking while talking on the phone with a friend. If you can't get yourself out of the house, be sure to open the drapes and let the light in. Be patient. You will get better.
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It takes time. Caring for your dad has been a big part of your life for many years. Not only are you grieving his loss but you now have all this free time you don't know how to fill. It gets better. I promise. Counseling is a good idea to help you get an outside perspective on your thoughts. Your husband is a jewel.
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Martina Marie, I am so sorry for your loss. I had experienced the loss of my incredible dad in 2015 and it still seems like it happened yesterday. I was truly blessed by a wonderful therapist and in addition an extraordinary support group! By utilizing both avenues of grief counseling it satisfied all my needs at that time: personal grief counseling as well as grief support with others who were suffering as was I. It was in its entirety an amazing experience which helped me tremendously to achieve wholeness again. At the time there was a young woman who lost her dad as well and I found myself reaching out to her because it was evident to me that she was drowning in pain and sorrow. Within time we became friends in her own time and I began to realize that our friendship was not only a life line for her but for me as well. When the group was over she thanked me for helping to save her and I said " while I was saving you I was saving me". It really took me a year and a half to find me again because when we take care of our loved ones we lose ourselves in the process and it is important to acknowledge that. If you can afford to take some time just to heal by what ever avenues are available to you , please do so. I am not working right now and I just focus on finding my joy again. You are an awesome daughter and you will one day revel in that fact but now it is time for healing. Please think about a grief therapist as well as a grief support group. I pray that it will change your life as it did mine.
Blessings and peace
Gloria
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Martinamarie - I am sorry about your loss. Everyone's situation is different, but time will help you.

I lost my husband of 29 years last summer. He was much older but was doing fine till 5 years ago, and his final days started when he had a stroke 9 months prior to his passing. So my care giving experience was much shorter than you were. However, I couldn't move on and only very recently (7~8 month after) I started pulling my life together out of necessity.

I sold the house in a hurry after his first stroke so that I could move him to a facility where they can properly care for him, but kept boxes & boxes of his belongings in my small apartment. I work as a computer programmer and my job kept me busy. So I dismissed that the mess in my apartment is from my laziness, but I finally realized recently that the issue was in me than outside. I wasn't be able to bring myself to touch or clean up his items.

I started to move on but very gradually. My advice to you is to allow yourself some slack, but listen to yourself and follow what you feel. You mentioned you arranged to see a psychologist. The action you took by itself is a sign that you are ready to move on. There is no need to rush.

Again, everyone is different, but let me dare say this: you are not alone. My best wishes to you and hope your visit to the psychologist helped you.
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If you're in a financial position to do so, I think you should get away for a while to decompress and recharge. If you don't want to travel far because of family, then how about renting a hotel room for one week and pamper yourself like crazy. If you don't want to go full-course on the pampering, then maybe just watch movies, eat pizza, sleep in a big comfortable bed. Your mind and body need time to adjust - and the grieving process will be ongoing; however, you need to do something now to put you on the course of grieving. You need something to get you unstuck.
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do something that is very low stress. I found that crocheting a monotonous repetitious Afghan kept my fingers going and let my brain just recuperate from all trauma and all of the tough decisions I had to deal with as a caregiver. I compare it to being on a high-speed Highway and all the sudden exiting to a 25 mile an hour Zone. it's a transition and it takes time to rearrange our lives. I also found that when it was really stressful that praying for my mother gave me some peace. do thingss that are not demanding and let yourself heal. we all deal with the grief of death in her own way.
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I am sorry about the loss of your father. While I'm not a healthcare professional, I can tell you what my mother said to me before she passed away nearly 9 years ago. She told me to mourn her death and then move on with my life.

When my father passed away 3 years ago I did the same. Mourned his death and continued moving forward with my life.

Basically, in order to get to the other side, you have to walk directly through.

Take care of yourself by letting yourself feel... good or bad, happy or sad. Don't worry about the future. Just take care of yourself TODAY. Tomorrow will worry about itself.
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