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I have gradually been taking on more and more care for my mother and now I am fed up. She has persistently refused any consideration of professional home care. No, there is no one who can persuade her, no friends and so on. Yes, I did contact local agencies and they say there is nothing they can do if she's not going to accept them into her home. Yes, I have tried all the positive stuff when I talk to her about it. No, there is no one else the family who can help. No, she will not listen to a doctor and has not religious minister.


So, now i feel backed into a corner and can't think of any alternatives than to just give her strict boundaries as to how much I will visit and what I will or will not do. Then, just leave it up to her and if she decides to do without the care at all, so be it.


She has advanced Parkinson's and at severe risk of falling. I have read and heard all the advice on to how to persuade her and nothing has worked. So, I should I just put my foot down and withdraw most of the care I have been giving her? I would appreciate any advice or shared experiences.

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Sunnygirl, I can't take it either, and I'm doing it! Making changes tho, some from what others on this site have said and lived through,,,,,
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A lot of years and still the FOG but for mine and my family's sake ive taken the "let nature take its course" route. A lot of willpower.

Not interested in guardianship as that will be traumatic for both mom and me.
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Even if you think that she will not listen to her doctor, I'd still pursue it. My cousin's doctor told her point blank that she needed AL, since she lived alone and was not able to provide her own care and run her household. The doctor said that she would not let it rest. I knew that she meant she would take it to social services to have court intervention if my cousin continued to refuse. And thankfully, my cousin did come around and agree. I didn't think she would. She must have sensed the doctor was serious.

In the meantime, I agree with those above about getting legal advice on what proof you need in court. Just because your mom may not have memory problems, that doesn't mean that she is competent to make decisions regarding her health and welfare. If she's refusing doctor's orders and placing herself in jeopardy, that would be examined. I'd see the attorney to get advice and learn about the process and evidence you will need. If you win, you may be able to recover your legal fees.

Setting boundaries and putting your foot down sounds good, but, it's just not feasible in most cases. People try to do it, but break down and end up living a very stressful and exasperating existence while they cater to a person who is living in the danger zone. I don't think I could take it.
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Martha, advanced Parkinson's is a huge consideration. I would talk to her doctor and also get some professional advice about what to do. I would talk to people who deal with Parkinson's. The internet has blogs and support available. I imagine that many people have been in the same position as you and can give you good counsel on how they managed it. My first thought is to have her doctor tell her that she needs more care at a facility and that living alone is not an option. Would she be able to afford assisted living that provides the level of oversight that she needs?
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I agree with ALL of you! With my mom it will have to be guardianship, and that's fine with me.... I no longer have the stamina to do much for her, or to put up with her manipulation, micromanaging and control, and stubbornness. Listen to us, Martha; we've all been there! LOL
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I think discussing it with an attorney and finding out if guardianship is a possible route to take. I gather she is still mentally competent, but very stubborn.

Also you might want to discuss it with your local agency on aging and a social worker in her doctors office.

Other than that, do what you describe, set boundaries, make it clear to your mum what you are doing and what the alternatives are. Then stick to your boundaries and be prepared to deal with the crisis when it happens. There are many here on the same situation. Do come back and let us know how it works out. (((((hugs)))))
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Funny how old folks will gladly work relatives to death. I was trying to convince my mom to get help. Told her she didn't mind watching me work my @ss off around her house. Her responce: Well you're family. I dont want strangers in my house.

I think there is a comfort zone for caregivers in terms of how much you pull back. I got so tired of worrying about every little detail for my folks and sick of fighting with them about moving or getting help. I still do all the basic stuff but I've pulled back quite a bit. There will be a crisis, a fall, something that will force the issue.

And honestly, I know folks careing for elderly parents who pretty much let nature take its course. They don't worry that dad is eating too much sugar or mom wears the same dress for a week and these oldsters are just as healthy and happy as the elders whose kids obsess over every little issue.
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I'm in agreement with pamstegma. It takes will of steel and utter resolve to be able to stand back far enough for a loved one to fail and risk injury - I know I couldn't do it, the worry and temptation for "just this once more" would be too great.
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Martha, your Mom sounded just like my Mom.... what I should have done early on was set boundaries as it becomes really difficult to draw the lines afterwards. In my case it probably wouldn't have made any difference as if my parents had a bumper sticker it would have read "we can manage".

My parents were in their 90's still living in their house which had a lot of stairs. Even trying to cut back I was racked with a ton of guilt and a lot of sleepless nights. I bet my parents were sleeping just fine.

We can only do what we feel comfortable in doing. I wasn't hands-on, I was there for all those doctor appointments x2 which eventually I cut back, no need to go every 2 or 3 months to a specialist if there wasn't anything urgent, and my parents had a LOT of specialists.

I did on-line grocery shopping and would pick up the already packed containers at the local grocery store. There were some issues, as for some weird reason my Mom thought the food didn't taste as good as going into the store to shop. And it cost more, which it did, but looked at all the time I saved. Mom kept trying to get me back into the store... no way.

There were the hearing aids and eyeglasses, a continuing saga which had me running screaming into the night, or so I wished I could do. But those items were needed, but we never found that magically hearing aid or got Mom back 20-20 vision.

Do do what makes you feel comfortable and put up a shield as guilt will be thrown at you left and right.... and you will still have many a sleepless night.
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You sit down with an attorney and discuss legal options. Personally, I would pursue Guardianship and court ordered placement at Assisted Living or memory care. If she refuses to speak to the court evaluator, that will work in your favor.
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