Doesn't anybody die at 79 anymore?

I don't have anything constructive to add. I'm in my 40s and dear old mom is in her 80s. Personality disorder, losing her marbles, will probably live forever. Thank you for starting this topic, it's really refreshing to read, in a weird way.

I hear often "you are so lucky to have longevity in your family" lucky hmmm ???? 🤔 Some days it doesn't feel like luck

You can thank modern medicine for this. By pumping a dump truck full of drugs into people, we are now staying alive long past our expiration dates. And now that we are in the 21st century, this mess is only going to get worse.

I used to worry about not living a long life. Now I am worried about living way too long.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I know exactly what you mean.
Maybe you can see a lawyer about drafting a Health Care Advance Directive. Or just talk to a lawyer . Good Luck

I feel this post. My Dad was an absolute wretched man who hurt everyone of us. He spent 20 years dying. My sister and I took the brunt of it as long as we could but eventually got him qualified for Medicaid and got him into a care facility. He passed at 92.

My sister was so tired and neglected that she only lasted another 5 years. I've been terrible about taking care of me as well. Saved by being a little bit younger and a husband is on a similar path (but is a MUCH better person. ) However, if I don't somehow figure out how to put my own wellbeing first, I may not make it as long as Hubs does.

I've come to say in the US we are very good at prolonging the dying. I'm not sure I agree we are good at prolonging life.

I really dont know if how we approach aging in general in the US makes any sense.....

There is quite a bit of longevity in my family. My grandmother died "young" in our family and that was because she became a heavy smoker later in life. She was 71 when she died of pancreatic cancer. Grandpa was almost 80, he had a sudden heart attack. My grandpa's sisters lived into their 80s. My great-grandmother was in her 90s. My grandpa lived alone, my great-grandmother lived alone except the last two weeks, and my great-aunts also lived alone. My great-grandfather was 81.

There has not been any cases of dementia in my family (at least from the most recent). My grandma had six siblings, she and a brother and sister made it to adulthood. Her sister had diabetes and a leg amputation and lived into her late 80s, at her own home with some home health. I guess my family is fairly long-lived!

I have a brother who is now in his 50s. I am the baby of the family at 37, my mother is 75 (doing great no major health problems except a bit of arthritis and heart burn). My sister died at age 45, but she got lung cancer and was a meth addict, otherwise I think she would have lived a lot longer. Neither my brother or I have children. My sister has a son and a daughter. It's a weird pattern in my family. My grandma was the only one of her siblings to have kids, my mom the only one out of her siblings to have kids (she has a brother and sister who are still alive), and then my sister is the only one who had kids.

Due to my experiences of dealing with our difficult elderly parents , I have to agree with my husband that, lately I am worrying too much about becoming an uncooperative burden to my children . I need to try to enjoy now more .

We haven’t even retired yet . We won’t be 60 until next year . I feel so bad for those of you who are older than me and have had to deal with that stress of caring for parents. (((Hugs to all ))). It’s hard for everyone really to be a caregiver . Married or single people. Young people with growing careers , kids etc .

I know my parents and my husband’s parents enjoyed their whole lives and almost their whole long retirements without those worries . For some strange reason , they realized and acknowledged to a degree near the end that it was hard on us . We still have one more stubborn parent left who needs AL . We are in the waiting for “ the big fall “ stage . They didn’t know to worry about it , because they did not take care of any elderly relatives .

My parents have outlived their parents. They are taking medicine that was not developed until recent decades. It is terrible that everyone is developing Dementia and Incontinence! Not sure I want to live that long....

Lots and LOTS of people die well before they reach 79. Like the former members of my Facebook Stage 4 Melanoma support group. I surely won't see 79, I'll be lucky to see 70 and I'm 66 now. So I won't be around to be a burden to my children at all. Yay.

We just don't hear these stories of early deaths on Agingcare because everybody comes here to vent about their mother's or father's living forever.

Ironically, I was adopted into a family who ALL lived to ripe old ages. I cared for my mother with dementia for 10.5 years who died at 95 years old after being diagnosed with dementia 6 yrs prior. If your mother has vascular dementia, the life expectancy for it is 5 years or so. So she may be closer to the end than you think.

Stop propping up her illusion of independence in IL and let her fail. That will get her into Memory Care Assisted Living much faster and lessen your load some.

Well, I didn't die at 79. Neither did my mother who died at 106 from Vascular Dementia. Her organs were all ticking over well except for her brain which was damaged from episodes of high blood pressure. And she had life long Borderline Personality Disorder which was far more difficult to cope with than the VaD.

I hear what you are saying about needlessly prolonging poor quality life by extraordinary means and totally agree with it. Mother, unfortunately perhaps, had a very strong body which didn't need any help.

By the time mother died I was over 80 - my caregiving days extended well past my expectations. Apparently that's becoming more common - seniors looking after ancients. So what do you do about it?

I had to suck it up and do what had to be done, to see that she had good care. Was it hard on me on top of a lifetime of dealing with a mentally ill mother? Yes. you bet it was.

I also had to look after myself and I recommend that to you. I had a life separate from my caregiving, sig other and I travelled...You say you are depressed - then get help for you so you can deal with whatever life brings to you and your mother. She may live another 10-15 years. How are you going to cope with that?

On the other hand maybe you are just venting and that's OK too but remember there are several of us here over 79.

Believe me you have my sympathy. I thought mother would never die - or not in my lifetime. If I had to do it again, I would put me first more often than I did.

I want to add this - that some of the comments here smack of ageism. Aging is hard. That's reality. We look at ads and see silver haired, trim and active seniors, as if that's the norm. I don't think so. Old people don't conveniently pop off when life gets difficult for everyone. Two of my kids either don't want to or are not capable of caregiving me. One says he will but isn't good at communicating with me. OK. That hasn't spoiled our relationships. I am glad they are honest and so far I look after myself just fine and expect to for another 10 years anyway. It's something I work for by taking care of myself and arranging my life accordingly and. no doubt, good genes on both sides help. My younger than me sig other wants to but has his own health issues these days so I am not signing him up for anything right now.

Longevity is increasing globally. Health care needs some adjustments in how seniors are treated. Those kind of changes don't happen quickly. Speak up where you can make a difference. I am reminded of Kermit's song, "It's not easy being green". It's not easy being old either. Perhaps you will find that out too.

My mother is 90 and has chf and other assorted health issues. Takes many medications. There is frequently some problem requiring a call or email to doctor usually resulting in a medication adjustment or lab work or e-visit. Many pre covid ER visits. She refuses to do the recommended PT exercises and as a result can barely walk. I don’t know how she hasn’t fallen. I fear her wheelchair days are almost here. She is afraid to go anywhere as she does not want to “get sick.” She says she wants to “stay alive” no matter how many pills she has to take.

She’s always favored my brother who now (along with wife) take care of her. I pitched in for awhile but moved 3 hours away a couple years ago. I visit occasionally for a long weekend and by the end I am ready to go.

She does have a part-time caregiver weekdays. She goes to my brother and wife’s home on the weekends. I suspect they’re tired of taking care of her and they must resent it. I feel for them but it’s up to them to deal with this. My brother has medical and general POA, is in charge of her finances etc. SIL is co owner of her bank accounts. I never have been part of all that. This was hurtful at one point but now I just feel relieved that I don’t have to deal with all that. There is almost no communication between my brother, SIL and me.

My mother never helped care for her parents when they were aging. They died at 78 and 82.

I don’t get how this can be considered any quality of life. It’s been going on since before the pandemic! Does it matter these days? Seems we at the point where we medicate and impose on others to live as long as possible.

Blue… I read in your profile that you are obsessed with life expectancy calculators. I have the exact same feelings about dealing with my mentally ill almost 76 year old mother. She’s a forever smoker, wheezes and gurgles audibly, yet her O2 sat is 95%. I’m sorry you are still being put through the mill. I’m still in the thick of it too

Do you have POA for Mom? I thought I saw something about a maintenance man in Moms building saying she is disruptive. He should report that to the powers that be. Your Mom should not be living alone. Time for MC. The IL can evaluate her and say that she can no longer live there. You then transfer her to Memory care. If Mom is not seeing a Neurogist, she needs to. She needs medications. She can no longer make decisions for herself.

Neurology hasn’t kept up with other fields of medicine is the short answer. We know comparatively little about the workings of the brain and nervous system compared to other organs.

Your profile states she is in Independent Living. If you are doing so much caregiving that it’s taken such a large toll on you she’s clearly not living independently and should be placed in a more appropriate facility.

My MIL died one day before her 80th birthday. Stroke, totally unexpected. Husband went to check on her after no one heard from her all day (she lived alone). Found her dead on the floor.

While it was a shock, in some ways it was the best way to go out. She’d had to place her mother (dementia) in AL and then an NH. Her mother was well cared for, but it was so hard on my MIL to see her in such bad shape. I know she didn’t want her kids to experience that.

But I get what you mean. Why are we
extending life when such people have no quality of life?

It’s because people intentionally don’t choose the paths to exit that opens earlier. Until you’re at least 80 and often afterward, doctors will treat your requests as if you’re 38, whether that be for transplant or car-t or four more post stroke brain operations or whatever new exotic thing.

Many survive even as the diseases and treatments take their toll on the body and mind. Eventually it’s not about grandma making it to the wedding or birthday, it’s about how everyone else’s plans are affected by grandma and her oxygen and her depends and how she doesn’t want to go in a home.

Sadly we now die way too old, and often after having for years no quality of life, and ruining the lives of others. There is even talk now of asking seniors if they will for sign statements saying they will not accept antibiotics. Sepsis from pneumonia used to be considered the "old man's friend" in that it ushers him to the "pearl gates".

You aren't alone. I know that doesn't help, but reading here you know you aren't.

I hear you, it's so hard - the frustration, depression, anxiety (yes, I am getting help). My active, healthy husband died suddenly last year at 70 years old.
Meanwhile, my parents are 93, with more issues that require help/care seemingly every day. I am at their home every day to help with something. My mother is recovering from broken ribs from a fall, we're caring for, trying to heal a venous ulcer on Dad's ankle for over a year - it has finally shown improvement the past couple months.
We had been caring for my 97 yr. old mother-in-law until she passed in the fall.
They all lived and enjoyed their lives in retirement when they were my brothers and my ages, were never called upon to be caregivers like this.
I know this sounds bitter but it doesn't seem quite fair or something, I sometimes wonder if the stress of caring for his mother (she was a pill) contributed to my husband's death - of course I'm still grieving so...

BlueHeron,

Are you getting help for yourself for depression ?

I agree it seems like nobody dies at 79 anymore from reading on this forum . Last year the cardiologist recommended a pacemaker for my 89 yo FIL with dementia . Luckily FIL said he didn’t want any procedures done anymore. 6 months later he stopped walking. Legs just very weak . He was very angry about that . He ended up dying soon after he stopped walking from CHF , COPD and Covid. I’m glad he did not live much longer after he stopped walking because he would have been miserable. He was so fixated on walking and not ending up in a wheelchair.

There’s a book whose title escapes me, my doctor told me about it—it’s about how humans used to live harder lives of daily physical labor and literally drop dead one day. And conversely, we now live far less physically active lives and have a seemingly endless array of medications and treatments, so we live far longer, but in much worse shape. I know that both of my parents were so very tired of dealing with their health issues, they were ready to leave this world long before they did. The most ridiculous thing that happened was my dad having an ill advised skin cancer surgery on his head. It required a skin graft, and was a long and slow healing process lasting most of a year. All because a “doctor said so” When we returned for a follow-up appointment dad told the doctor that I’d said he never should have done it. Dr got all huffy and said “this could have killed you” Dad asked when? Dr. said maybe 20-25 years! In a man in his mid 80’s with progressive congestive heart failure. Unreal. My hope is to see a change in at least some doctors to put their need to treat aside when it’s so obviously stupid to do so. I’m sorry you’re in such a frustrating place and wish you peace

My mother is 99 years old and lives in AL. Mentally ok. The people on that side of the family live to 100+ both men & women. Her brother is 96 still living with his wife in his home, his wife is 95.

Since my mother has her faculties, she decided to have a pacemaker installed last year to extend her life. Good Grief!

She will run out of money in 2 years, then onto Medicaid we go.

My mother is extremely self-centered, cares about no one but herself, she is very demanding and makes my brother crazy as she is also a nasty belligerent "B". I haven't spoken to her in 14 years nor does anyone else in the family, my brother is the last of the Mohicans, basically he is stuck with her.

She has said to my brother several times that she wanted to die so he says "Then why did you have the pacemaker installed"? No comment from her.

I support my brother behind the scenes, I am the one who moved her from NC to FL and found the home that she is in. I handle the business end of the family as he has no clue. Believe me, we battled her for 10 years to move from the mtn's to Fl. It was war.

Stepmother is in MC, she has a son who does nothing for her, he hasn't seen her for 30 years, lots of drug issues. So when the stepfather died we ended up making sure she was taken care of. She is 85, her mind is toast.

Unfortunately, she could still live for years. My brother and I are stuck where we are until both are gone.

I am 76 and would like to be free, but it is not in the cards right now. My father died at age 84, his parents died in 1965 at age 77, that was old for that time frame. My father was a heavy smoker & drinker until he was in his 60's.

My brother and I are tired and would like this all to be over, been going on over 5 years, at one time we also had his father in AL, he was totally deaf and on dialysis, had cancer, now that was a real trip! There were 3!

Time for both of them to go to the "Happy Hunting Ground" although I see no relief in sight!

Good luck to you. I’m pushing 70 with both my parents in a NH and just wish it was over.

I told my husband yesterday after another fun filled hour visiting my mother that I wished she would just die already because I hate her guts. He was horrified. There’s no compassion left in me anymore. She is 95 and doe noIt have dementia. She actually might be nicer if she did.

I met a man today, well dressed, well spoken. Told his son he must make other arrangemnts for his daughter (his own grandaughter) as his son must be available to look after HIM.

I told 2 collegues.
A. Said you know empathy has been lost & the selfishness of dementia has started when they put their own needs before a grandchild's.
B. Said he hopes to have expired before his brain shrinks to that.

So what's better? A frail or painful failing body with a fit brain VS a fit healthy body with a shrunken brain like an inflexible rock.

Well blueheron, you still have a good sence of humor. Your post about the bp meds made me giggle.
All I can say is your not alone. My mom's 87 I'm 60 and I had a melt down, hearing stories of people in there 70s taking care of there 100 yr old parent. But it has helped me tremendously listen ing to others stories. And I'm trying to figure out away to have my life and care for my mom though this form , now before I'm 70 and she is 97 . This forum will help you with that.
Nothing about caregiving is easy. Good luck, and take care of you

Blue,

I just read your profile. Sounds like you have gotten the run around for quite some time. I’m really sorry that you are going through this situation.

I would feel the same way about having your mom moved from Independent Living to either Assisted Living or Memory Care.

Do you have to stay with your mom’s current doctor? Is it possible to switch to a different doctor that would actually listen to your concerns?

I can’t answer your question about life expectancy. I can tell you that there is longevity in my family too.

My mother with Parkinson’s disease and dementia lived to be 95! Her brother lived to be 96 and several of my great aunts and uncles lived into their late 90’s. We also had an ‘energizer bunny’ (my cousin) who lived to be 101 and several other cousins who lived past 90.

Rant, vent and scream all you want! We have all been there in our caregiving journey.

Wishing you peace as you try to sort through this difficult situation with your mom.